day 2 of pulling on the big girl pants

So its day 2 and what have I achieved

• I did not have any coke zero yesterday
• I am playing with the amount of sugar in my tea
• I ate proper meals yesterday, that may sound strange but I had stopped eating meals, I would have breakfast and then I would just binge on crap for the rest of the day if Simon was home I would have tea as he would cook it otherwise I more often than not wouldn't eat tea either.

I had a headache yesterday afternoon and this morning at boot camp I felt like vomiting for about 20 mins, at one stage I actually stopped and moved away and was even a little dizzy. 

I was talking to an amazing friend at boot camp about our whys and goals and I know I often struggle with these things. I struggle to make goals as I don't know what to aim for as I do not want to fail, never crossed by mind that because I don't aim for anything I am always failing as I am never achieving lol.

For the first time ever and not just since I started this journey I mean ever I have actually achieved a goal, I ran 2.5 kms without stopping. It was such a strange feeling to achieve something I set out to achieve. I didn't need to tell anyone, I didn't need them to congratulate me or make me feel better about something I had done. There were people I wanted to share the achievement with and I was proud of me, really proud, but also empowered I felt like I could actually achieve something. I want to say a huge thank you to Matt Silk, he is an amazing trainer who always believes in me and encourages me, without him I would never have joined running group. He makes me feel welcome and I never feel like I am the slowest or holding anyone up and he always manages to motivate and encourage me without making me feel like I am the fat chick who need to be encouraged. I feel like he is invested and values my achievements for what they are my achievements. I can not thank him enough for his support.

Forgot to come back to the why

•  health
• decrease my risk of so many chronic illnesses
• I have been increasingly worried about the risk of cancer due to all the chemicals I am putting into my body from processed food.
• I need to be able to keep up with Jhett for safety reasons
• I want to be a good role model for my kids
• I want to be able to buy the style of clothes that I want
• I want control of my life
• to be able to play with my kids and do things like bushing walking, playing at the beach
• I want to be able to look at myself and be proud of everything
• I want the outside of me to reflect the inside\

I haven't weighed myself and I am worried to as I can get caught up in that number. I will do it tomorrow, I do have some number goals and there are things I want to be able to do that I can't do without being under a certain number. I am also going to do pictures and measurements tonight, these are the things that help to give me a better idea of what my body is doing and where it is changing.

Goals for today

• No coke Zero
• 3 meals
• increase water
• plan meals for tomorrow

round and round we go

The last 6 months have been really really difficult for me and I am still standing in that spot where my weight is the highest it has ever been. I have spent much of this 6 months, putting band aids on or trying to ignore, unfortunately the 1st thing that caves when I do that is my food.

I have been drawn back into my sugar addiction and it is dominating my life again, much of the food I consume each day is processed and sweet, and I am drink coke zero again. I look for convince and pleasure. My moods are so intrinsically tied to the amount of sugar I have had, and the thought of trying to stop this scares me so much, and I get rather anxious about it. I have such tunnel vision about sugar, and i don't know what to eat if it is not sugar related and in my head it seems like everything is going to take so much longer to prepare, being lazy is one of the things that puts a huge dent in how well I manage this lifestyle change.

Now I have already received some flack about cutting out sugar, this is a decision I made after lots and lots of reading and research and looking at what worked for me. I have been reading a book called I quit sugar, and although this book advocates quitting all sugar for an 8 week period you do reintroduce healthier sugars at the end. This is to give your body a chance to rid itself of all the sugars and toxins, to allow it to reset itself and to break the addiction.

The reasons I have decided to go down this path.

• I am so addicted it controls my life, I need to break that so I can move forward
• I have insulin resistance, so the way my body reacts to sugars means I put weight on quickly
• I like the lifestyle change in the book and believe it is something I can settle in my life with some level of ease.
• I have 2 kids whos behavior is effected by sugar, 1 of which is in a very dramatic manger, and finding a way to eliminate that will make life easier for all of us.
• Something needs to break my relationship with food and why not eliminate sugars, particularly those that are processed given they are a huge trigger food for me.

My head gets stuck in this place where I doubt that I will ever be able to lose weight, my fitness is improving and I ran for 2.5 km for the first time ever which is huge. I have to focus on the fact I am moving forward and improving and that weight is only one part of that.

I have come to realize that for me to be able to devote the mental energy I need to try and change my lifestyle I need to feel safety, and that for a while I haven't been feeling this. I have struggled with this for a long time, feeling like I have someone to catch me if I fall, and while I work on this it is still something that stops me from committing or putting myself in a position where I feel I might fail. I have come to realize that unless I ask for the things I need to happen to create that safety it wont happen. I have also started working more on this stuff with my own life coach. I started a process to deal with my issues, but I never finished it, time to finish what I started.

So today I have started the process, so the step today is no coke zero, water and cutting the sugar in coffee and tea by half.