tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7184137356218604492024-03-13T00:20:47.682-07:00The sisterhood of the shrinking big girl pantsDaniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.comBlogger35125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-73638013817718214892013-07-01T17:59:00.001-07:002013-07-01T17:59:09.128-07:00weight loss vs finding lifeHi my name's Danielle<br />
<br />
Some of you will think you know me, some of you have watched from the sidelines. I need you all to know that none of you know me, this is my doing, I don't know me. I want this to change so it is time to be open to live my life with vulnerability, to have courage. Today I heard this definition of courage and I loved it.<br />
<i>the definition of courage was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.</i><br />
<br />
I will stop running, I will live in the now, I will stop forcing perfection, I will live whole heatedly and I will always be enough.<br />
<i> </i><br />
So in this post I want to introduce you all to who I am, without my superhero capes. My superhero capes have been protection, food addiction and fat. If you want to know more about superhero capes go <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHHPNMIK-fY">here</a>. So this is me.<br />
<br />
I am scared and worried about what others think of me and I am regularly anxious about what my day will hold and how I can hide.<br />
<br />
I feel my feelings with an intensity that makes me catch my breath and need to clutch the wall, at times I will feel they will overcome me . I am amazed by other people and I am curios about what makes them tick. I am excited and feel invigorated watching and supporting someone to become their best selves. I love watching people smile and laugh. There is no greater honor that to have someone offer their hand an allow you to support them.,<br />
<br />
My family are in the centre of my world and to me their smiles are like magic. They light my life from the inside out.<br />
<br />
I want to stand out, I want to be noticed.<br />
<br />
I value kindness, acceptance, communication and passion. I crave excitement, connection, truth, acceptance and passion. I am walking away from safety (that is provided externally and believing in safety in myself) I am walking away from judgement of self, hiding and mediocre surface living.<br />
<br />
I am opening myself to tears, to fears, to laughter, to new experiences, to feeling everything, to myself, to you, to my dreams. There is no right or wrong as I am always enough. I will no longer wear my capes of food addiction, I will no longer dull or numb that big scary emotion that threaten to engulf me with food.<br />
<br />
I will strive everyday to be me and live whole heatedly in my life. I will stretch my handout and ask for help when I need it most. I will be grateful for everything life brings to me and everything I experience. Most of all I will know with every inch of myself that I am enough. I am enough in everything I do.<br />
<br />
I no longer need to lose weight I need to find my life !!!!!!<br />
<br />
My life will be healthy, filled with people who love me and will hold my hand when I need and even when I don't realize I need it. There will be boot camps, rock climbing, burlesque classes, pole dancing, roller derby, life coaching workshops, laughter, tears, camping, movies, meals, hangovers, friends, family and photos.<br />
<br />
This amazing post by this beautiful lady started this post: <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o">the power of vulnerability</a> Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-90431120428411241532013-04-10T14:52:00.000-07:002013-04-10T14:52:20.907-07:00day 2 of pulling on the big girl pantsSo its day 2 and what have I achieved<br />
<ul>
<li>I did not have any coke zero yesterday</li>
<li>I am playing with the amount of sugar in my tea</li>
<li>I ate proper meals yesterday, that may sound strange but I had stopped eating meals, I would have breakfast and then I would just binge on crap for the rest of the day if Simon was home I would have tea as he would cook it otherwise I more often than not wouldn't eat tea either.</li>
</ul>
I had a headache yesterday afternoon and this morning at boot camp I felt like vomiting for about 20 mins, at one stage I actually stopped and moved away and was even a little dizzy. <br />
<br />
I was talking to an amazing friend at boot camp about our whys and goals and I know I often struggle with these things. I struggle to make goals as I don't know what to aim for as I do not want to fail, never crossed by mind that because I don't aim for anything I am always failing as I am never achieving lol.<br />
<br />
For the first time ever and not just since I started this journey I mean ever I have actually achieved a goal, I ran 2.5 kms without stopping. It was such a strange feeling to achieve something I set out to achieve. I didn't need to tell anyone, I didn't need them to congratulate me or make me feel better about something I had done. There were people I wanted to share the achievement with and I was proud of me, really proud, but also empowered I felt like I could actually achieve something. I want to say a huge thank you to Matt Silk, he is an amazing trainer who always believes in me and encourages me, without him I would never have joined running group. He makes me feel welcome and I never feel like I am the slowest or holding anyone up and he always manages to motivate and encourage me without making me feel like I am the fat chick who need to be encouraged. I feel like he is invested and values my achievements for what they are my achievements. I can not thank him enough for his support.<br />
<br />
Forgot to come back to the why<br />
<ul>
<li> health</li>
<li>decrease my risk of so many chronic illnesses</li>
<li>I have been increasingly worried about the risk of cancer due to all the chemicals I am putting into my body from processed food.</li>
<li>I need to be able to keep up with Jhett for safety reasons</li>
<li>I want to be a good role model for my kids</li>
<li>I want to be able to buy the style of clothes that I want</li>
<li>I want control of my life</li>
<li>to be able to play with my kids and do things like bushing walking, playing at the beach</li>
<li>I want to be able to look at myself and be proud of everything</li>
<li>I want the outside of me to reflect the inside\ </li>
</ul>
<br />
I haven't weighed myself and I am worried to as I can get caught up in that number. I will do it tomorrow, I do have some number goals and there are things I want to be able to do that I can't do without being under a certain number. I am also going to do pictures and measurements tonight, these are the things that help to give me a better idea of what my body is doing and where it is changing. <br />
<br />
Goals for today<br />
<ul>
<li>No coke Zero</li>
<li>3 meals</li>
<li>increase water</li>
<li>plan meals for tomorrow</li>
</ul>
Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-39431105962221082322013-04-09T16:38:00.001-07:002013-04-09T16:42:10.216-07:00round and round we goThe last 6 months have been really really difficult for me and I am still standing in that spot where my weight is the highest it has ever been. I have spent much of this 6 months, putting band aids on or trying to ignore, unfortunately the 1st thing that caves when I do that is my food.<br />
<br />
I have been drawn back into my sugar addiction and it is dominating my life again, much of the food I consume each day is processed and sweet, and I am drink coke zero again. I look for convince and pleasure. My moods are so intrinsically tied to the amount of sugar I have had, and the thought of trying to stop this scares me so much, and I get rather anxious about it. I have such tunnel vision about sugar, and i don't know what to eat if it is not sugar related and in my head it seems like everything is going to take so much longer to prepare, being lazy is one of the things that puts a huge dent in how well I manage this lifestyle change.<br />
<br />
Now I have already received some flack about cutting out sugar, this is a decision I made after lots and lots of reading and research and looking at what worked for me. I have been reading a book called I quit sugar, and although this book advocates quitting all sugar for an 8 week period you do reintroduce healthier sugars at the end. This is to give your body a chance to rid itself of all the sugars and toxins, to allow it to reset itself and to break the addiction.<br />
<br />
The reasons I have decided to go down this path.<br />
<ul>
<li>I am so addicted it controls my life, I need to break that so I can move forward</li>
<li>I have insulin resistance, so the way my body reacts to sugars means I put weight on quickly</li>
<li>I like the lifestyle change in the book and believe it is something I can settle in my life with some level of ease.</li>
<li>I have 2 kids whos behavior is effected by sugar, 1 of which is in a very dramatic manger, and finding a way to eliminate that will make life easier for all of us.</li>
<li>Something needs to break my relationship with food and why not eliminate sugars, particularly those that are processed given they are a huge trigger food for me.</li>
</ul>
My head gets stuck in this place where I doubt that I will ever be able to lose weight, my fitness is improving and I ran for 2.5 km for the first time ever which is huge. I have to focus on the fact I am moving forward and improving and that weight is only one part of that.<br />
<br />
I have come to realize that for me to be able to devote the mental energy I need to try and change my lifestyle I need to feel safety, and that for a while I haven't been feeling this. I have struggled with this for a long time, feeling like I have someone to catch me if I fall, and while I work on this it is still something that stops me from committing or putting myself in a position where I feel I might fail. I have come to realize that unless I ask for the things I need to happen to create that safety it wont happen. I have also started working more on this stuff with my own life coach. I started a process to deal with my issues, but I never finished it, time to finish what I started.<br />
<br />
So today I have started the process, so the step today is no coke zero, water and cutting the sugar in coffee and tea by half.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-8830912604603314502013-02-12T03:11:00.001-08:002013-02-12T03:13:08.421-08:00I dont think I can do thisWell I haven't had batteries in my scales for a week or so, and today I jumped on, I am over 157kgs, the biggest I have ever been. I have put on over 25 kgs in under 12 months, rather mean feat for someone who is trying to lose weight.<br />
<br />
I am so bloody confused and starting to wonder what is wrong with me, or is it time to actually say I can't do this weight loss just doesn't work for me, and I need help, my BMI is 45.9, I am almost double my healthy weight range. What am I doing wrong, seriously, I mean I know that I haven't been fantastic with food, but honestly at least half of the last 12 months I have been actively trying to lose weight.<br />
<br />
I am doubting and second guessing everything and I have no idea what to do next as seriously nothing is working. I think I am done, I hate working so hard and going further than backwards, I am the heaviest I have ever been and I have never worked so hard to try and loose weight. I hate exercise, I hate food, I hate clothes. How do you fail so dramatically at something you want so muchDaniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-47549459571797512252013-02-09T02:17:00.002-08:002013-02-09T02:17:27.278-08:00100 things I am grateful to my body for1. That its my body, each and every day it teaches me something<br />
2. My hair it is very thick<br />
3. my eyes, I love their shape and the fact they let me see amazing things and the people I love<br />
4. My ears, so I can hear the sounds I love, and so I can punch holes in them.<br />
5. My nose, it is the same shape as my Grandfathers, and I love that it is something that reminds me of my family.<br />
6. My arms, they allow me to hold those dear to me, to protect to shield and also to do things like drive and write.<br />
7. My hands, to be able to feel, and touch.<br />
8. My fingers, so I can count, as my brain cant do it lol.<br />
9. My nails, I love them when they are long and pained, makes me feel feminine.<br />
10. My mouth, it allows me to kiss those people I love.<br />
11. My tongue, it helps me to talk, and taste<br />
12. My heart, it beats every day keeping me alive, and it fills to bursting point every time one of my kids smile say I love you mum, cuddle up to me.<br />
13. My insides, they still work lol, after all the crap I have pumped in there its still slugging away, admittedly slowly but its still happening.<br />
14. My womb, for growing 4 amazing human beings.<br />
15. My legs for allowing me to walk, to travel<br />
16. My ankles, my one body part I think of as thin.<br />
17. My feet, for keeping me from sending myself broke with my shoe obsession lol.<br />
18. My skin, for keeping it all together<br />
19. My muscles for making it possible for me to exercise<br />
20. My freckles, for making me less pale.<br />
21. My knees for giving me some shape to my legs<br />
22. My wrists, for a space to tattoo my loved ones name<br />
23. My lips, so I can smile<br />
24. My teeth for making sure many dentists are kept in a job<br />
25. My butt for giving me a nice soft place to sit.<br />
26. My brain for allowing me to think<br />
27. My personality (its housed it my body so I am counting it lol) for being me.<br />
28. My brain for the ability to learn new things every day<br />
29. My nerves for relaying all this information my body receives back to my brain<br />
30. My brain for processing information<br />
31. My palms for allowing me to grip, and hold my fingers in place<br />
32. My toes for being able to feel the sand between them<br />
33. My fists so I can punch in a thump class<br />
34. My kidneys for processing the toxins in my body<br />
35. My vocal cords, for my voice<br />
36. My nostrils, for allowing me to smell<br />
37. My tear ducts so I can cry<br />
38. My memory for every thing I hold dear<br />
39. My soul for my values and respect<br />
40. my neck for keeping my head in place<br />
41. my head for holding my face in place<br />
42.My ribs, for holding my heart<br />
43. My finger prints, for being unique<br />
44. My DNA for making me me, the combination of my parents<br />
45. my elbows, for allowing my arms to bend<br />
46. My spine, for keeping my upright<br />
47. My gall bladder for reminding me that I should treat me body well<br />
48. My body for for being a light colour, saves me on waxing<br />
49. My Boobs, for being big enough that clothing hangs of them not my muffin top<br />
50. My hips for being big enough to accommodate my babies<br />
51. My eye brows for being a ncie shape, no waxing available<br />
52. my eye lashes for being long enough that they are there<br />
53. My Skeleton for giving my body structure<br />
54. My lungs for breathing<br />
55. My lungs for breathing<br />
56. my veins for allowing my blood to flow through me<br />
57. My knuckles for allowing my fingers to bend so I can play the piano<br />
58. my eye lids for giving me darkness<br />
59. the soles of my feet for connecting me to the ground<br />
60. My ego for protecting me<br />
61. My throat for swallowing food<br />
62. My shoulders for carrying the weight<br />
63. The primal part of my brain that makes me breath without me having to think about it.<br />
64. My brain for giving me common sense<br />
65. my brain for processing the information the world gives me<br />
66. My heart for bumping my blood around my body<br />
67. My eyes for giving the world focus<br />
68. My limbs for still working no matter how much I have neglected them<br />
69. My toe nails for being so thick it reminds me why I need to loose wight every time I have to cut them<br />
70. My chin, for giving my face structure<br />
71. My snot for keeping little things out of my airways<br />
72. my saliva for helping me to process food<br />
73. My spin for teaching me to listen to my body<br />
74. My hair for not falling out even though I colour it to within an inch of its life<br />
75. My cheeks for helping me to blow raspberries on my kids bellies<br />
76. my birth mark for being mine<br />
77. My optic nerve for carrying information<br />
78. My taste buds for trying to change<br />
79. My toes for keeping me balanced<br />
80. My thumbs for making me different to a monkey<br />
81. My brains ability to keep coming back for me<br />
82. My brains ability to learn<br />
83. My brains ability to read<br />
84. My thighs to be able to sit on seats<br />
85. My neck so I can wear lovely scarfs<br />
86. My bladder for holding urine, so I don't wet myself<br />
87. My nose for smelling things<br />
88. my fingers for holding rings that all have special meaning for me<br />
89. my laugh, it reminds me of what its like to enjoy life<br />
90. my boobs, for the comfy place they provide my children to lay their heads.<br />
91. My head, it gives me a space to put my princess crown<br />
92. My height for allowing me to see over the top of crowds<br />
93. My cheeks for being there, I would look stupid without them<br />
94. My body for being mine<br />
95. My legs for moving even when I think they can't<br />
96. My brain for its dedication to making things more than they are<br />
97. My spinal cord for protecting my nerves<br />
98. My body for allowing me to meet some amazing people who have changed my life.<br />
99. My eye lids for a place to put eye shadow, it looks very pretty, going to try some bright and sparkly colours soon<br />
100. My body for holding my soul, the essence of who I am.<br />
<br />
Wow that was hard, and technically some of those things may not be my body, but I am using it lol.<br />
Amazing how much doing this makes you realize all the amazing things this body of yours does.<br />
<br />
<br />Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-8935688231263532362012-12-17T02:31:00.002-08:002012-12-17T02:31:21.882-08:00on the start to the way upOK so lets get something happening. I will post daily from now on. So I have some guidelines that I am going to work on, these are not always food related, but are about getting my life on track.<br />
<br />
Mon, Wed and Friday<br />
-Non spending days<br />
<br />
everyday<br />
1 hr physical activity with the kids<br />
food planned the day before<br />
2 ltrs water<br />
10 mins of meditation every day.<br />
<br />
An amazing friend of mine sent me a message after my earlier blog and she asked me about what has worked previously and what hasn't and what I am prepared to do so here is my lists.<br />
<br />
<div class="_38 direction_ltr">
things that have worked<br />6 meals<br />protein<br />no fat<br />organized in advance<br />
<br />
haven't worked<br />calorie counting<br />restrictive<br />same things all the time<br />
<br />
what am I willing to do<br />be organized 24 hrs in advance<br />daily exercise of some sort<br />cappuccino, only when with another person<br />treat once per week<br />
<br />
Ok so tomorrow<br />
I will take Jhett for a walk to the park in the afternoon<br />
<br />
Food<br />
breakfast scrambled eggs with avocado and 1 toast<br />
snack strawberries<br />
lunch salad with tune<br />
snack apricot protein ball with rice cake with cottage cheese pesto and tomato<br />
tea hamburgers with salad<br />
snack berries with yoghurt<br />
<br />
I will be taking pics of my food on instragram so please follow if you want to see what I am doing <br />
<br />
I have downloaded a head space app which is a meditation app, I will do day 1.<br />
<br />
Now because I need to change my focus.<br />
<br />
I am grateful for<br />
<ul>
<li>my family</li>
<li>amazing friends</li>
<li>my strength to try again.</li>
</ul>
</div>
<div class="_38 direction_ltr">
What I like/ or am proud of, about me</div>
<div class="_38 direction_ltr">
<ul>
<li>My desire to strive for better</li>
<li>My eyes</li>
</ul>
</div>
<br />Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-59294616719704934502012-12-16T17:03:00.002-08:002012-12-16T17:03:41.095-08:00BrokenWell it has been a few weeks of the same old shit, I say I want to do it, and I still eat crap. I am struggling and I mean really struggling. In the last week I have had a back injury and also had another tooth out. My body feels like it is not mine and that I am not connected to it.<br />
<br />
There is always some reason why I wont start today and currently it is Christmas, but honestly it could be anything.<br />
<br />
Food is my big problem and I struggle with what to do to control that.<br />
calorie counting<br />
<ul>
<li>I don't like numbers and they scare me, so it makes me anxious</li>
<li> It doesn't seem to bother me if I go over</li>
<li>I never really know what level I should sit on</li>
<li>To do it properly I would have to weigh stuff etc etc and that seems like hard work to me</li>
</ul>
Paleo/Clean eating<br />
<ul>
<li>Coming up with ideas</li>
<li>portion size</li>
</ul>
<br />
In general<br />
<ul>
<li>what to eat and when to eat</li>
<li>portion size</li>
<li>variety</li>
</ul>
<br />
I am so full of excuses, and yet I just don't seem to be able to push past them. I don't understand why it is so hard to get something you actually say you want.<br />
<br />
feeling lost and vulnerable, I am not overly sure how to start or how to get out of my funk.<br />
<br />
One of the girls posted this on facebook and I really liked it there are so many things that move me, this is just one of them <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja9BFx5Mhqo">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja9BFx5Mhqo</a>.<br />
<br />
I am still trying and I am still looking, I will get there. <br />
<br />Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-89136055555490199492012-11-28T21:40:00.002-08:002012-11-28T21:40:52.046-08:00failure bitesvery much feeling like a failure today.<br />
<br />Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-22801032194313752822012-11-26T21:53:00.004-08:002012-11-26T21:53:51.640-08:00I am scaredI am no longer going to be living the negative, I am going to focus on the positive, but I need to have this out.<br />
<br />
I am so scared of not being able to do this, I am so scared that it wont work and I will have to accept something I don't want to. I am scared of disappointing people, I am scared of getting sick.<br />
<br />
I am scared of what my life would be like if I lost weight, I don't know a life without a shield to hide behind, I feel vulnerable, and small.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-32063473318350581932012-11-26T18:19:00.000-08:002012-11-26T18:19:58.192-08:00Getting myself sortedSo I talked about putting everything together that I have said I should do, so here it is:<br />
<br />
<ul>
<li>Organize each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch</li>
<li>Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins
with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is
important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am</li>
<li>Develop a goal and reward system</li>
<li>Be proud of my achievements for the week</li>
<li>Water Water and more water.</li>
<li>Review what I am thankful for in the day/ Gratitude diary.</li>
<li>Daily Mantra </li>
</ul>
<br />
<br />
I was so sure there was so much more, so in all honest I have just been living my excuses, I haven't even been looking for ways to overcome them.<br />
<br />
So I am going to try and focus on these things, and take it one step at a time. I have done a shop and I even ate a lunch, that meets all my requirements. Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-63713150172268120372012-11-24T03:22:00.001-08:002012-11-24T03:22:28.531-08:00When your butt doesn't fitI started today with boot camp and boxing, and I had attitude, princess attitude lol. I was so frustrated with myself as it is so obvious to me how much fitness I have lost recently, I am annoyed that I have allowed myself to sink back into the pit of unhealthy-ness I find myself in once again.<br />
<br />
This afternoon it was Alexy's first dance concert, they performed on Thursday night as well, I didn't watch Thursday, rather I helped out the back. Today I was all excited to see her perform, and I sit down in the seat and bugger my butt doesn't fit, that may not be quite what I thought lol. Again that feeling of disgust, failure dread and the tears where there ready to go.<br />
<br />
Somewhere this afternoon I decided that I will not be beaten and I am only human, I will slip up, oh well so what pick up lets go and move on. I will not allow myself to be consumed and stopped by the negative, it is now on my list of reasons I want to be healthy, I will use it to motivate me so I don't have to feel this again.<br />
<br />
Tomorrow morning I have the last fitness test for the challenge with Matt Silk, I am aware that this is not going to be pretty, I have allowed my excuses to take control lately and have not achieved any of the things I set out to at the start of this 12 weeks. So tomorrow is the bench mark for me to get healthy from, it will not be a negative for me, I can choose to wallow in the fact that I have not used my time to achieve what I want, or I can use the time coming up to achieve what I want. Seems rather straight forward when you think of it that way.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-51440652040052576332012-11-21T16:46:00.002-08:002012-11-21T16:46:32.995-08:005 days.....then it falls apartI would hate to be my life coach, I don't do any of the things I say I will, I don't do anything of the things I think I need to do to help me move on from being controlled by food and my eating habits.<br />
<br />
I did so well for 5 days and then crapola, there doesn't seem to be any real reason, other than organization and planning. The days are different and more things happen and I find it harder to be on top of it all. Since it has gone to crap I have made no effort to bring it back into line. Then the bulk of the family caught Gastro. I seemed to get a bad run, and for about 4 or 5 days I didn't eat much, other than bread, then last night another gall stone attack, that's two in about two weeks.I haven't had an attack for such a long time, and this one stopped me from going to bootcamp. My body is all over the place, it doesn't know if it is Arthur or Martha.<br />
<br />
I have done this to myself, I have used enough excuses to sink a battle ship, even my excuses have excuses. I have hidden, I have run away and most of all I have made my body unhealthy. Matt Silk posted on Facebook this morning, and it really struck a cord with me and made me acknowledge some stuff.<br />
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<i> "<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">cut the BS & excuses ... Just do it!!!"</span></span></i></div>
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">After last night, I have changed my focus to health and supporting my body. Weight loss can no longer be my focus, it doesn't make me look after my body, often it makes me fight against and punish my body. It is never about feeling better, it is always about going further, lifting more and getting smaller. Feels like I have missed the point.</span></span></div>
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<span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent">So given how bad I am at following my own advice, I have decided to go back thru all my posts and write it all in one spot. See where that goes, and what I need to do, but there is not more BS and excuses, now it is just about being healthy. </span></span><i><span class="messageBody" data-ft="{"type":3}"><span class="userContent"> </span></span></i></div>
Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-72588849998227083642012-10-30T04:35:00.001-07:002012-10-30T04:36:36.871-07:00Reality and feeling the funkI feel like I need to apologies, I have been playing a huge game of back and forth, of saying I am going to do this, of saying I am committed and then running away and doing the exact opposite. At the time I didn't even realize this was what I was doing. I demanded a certain level from myself and I haven't been able to give that and so I have hidden from everyone including myself.<br />
Perfection can never be achieved when you are expecting a godlike performance. <br />
<br />
As part of my life coach training I have been doing NLP, and as part of that we explored limited beliefs. What this identified for me was a very in-ground feeling of worthlessness, not being good enough and a failure. When I started to go back and look over things I began to see that because I had this belief about myself I actually did things to make sure I was a failure, and there was no need for me to try at anything as I was a failure, so I would never achieve anyway. This thought process had dictated so much of my life and what I had done.<br />
<br />
This training has given me a chance to review so much about myself and to address some things that were really holding me back. I have taken steps to address these issues and on the whole I actually feel rather ok emotionally.<br />
<br />
So if I have dealt with that stuff what is going on now........<br />
<br />
To be honest fucked if I know.<br />
<br />
I am struggling with Jhett not sleeping and that has made my exercise routine take a flying leap. I have also found that lately my body is really suffering, and I have lots of aches and pains.<br />
<br />
What I am trying to do is not run away and hide, to be open honest and put it out there, and to be honest I am not feeling motivated at all.<br />
<br />
I am continuing to work on my head stuff, I have my goal up and visible, I have my daily mantra and I am working on being mindful. I have set myself a challenge to start doing some hula hooping, lol. I have wanted to for awhile, but always put it off. Also it is meant to be very good for helping to loosen up back muscles, so that can only be a good thing.<br />
<br />
I am working at getting back involved, sharing this journey is what is important to me, I find it to be so motivation, inspiring and also fulfilling, so this is the start of me getting back under way.<br />
<br />
Currently I have a food plan to follow, I haven't been following it. There is a part of me that feels I need to do my own stuff, and a part of me that doesn't trust myself to do my own stuff. Space is something that is lacking in my brain at times, and I have made the decision to continue to follow this program thru to the end, so I dont have to think and so I can say I finished something.<br />
<br />
I have gained back about 14kgs and I struggle with that, I feel very defined by my weight and also my lack of success. I have allowed it to have power over me as I have tried to hide from it and ignore the fact that this is my reality. I have used excuses and backed out of doing things I would normally do. Its time to put my foot down this is my reality and my funk is well and truly happening, but it will not stop me. I will beat it.<br />
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I struggle with this journey as I feel like there is no path that works for me and that the stairs are miles apart and I can't take a step that is that big. I struggle to trust that it is ok to make a mistake, that it is ok to not know and that it is ok to just be in the right here and right now.<br />
<br />
There is not a lot of answers here, I am muddled, and somewhat frustrated and also feeling a little pushed aside by people I thought actually had my back. Now these are my issues, my interpretation of the events, so I will allow the wallowing tonight but it will be gone in the morning.<br />
<br />
There will be answers and direction in the morning.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-70490497598655943432012-07-31T20:43:00.003-07:002012-07-31T20:43:58.140-07:00Where's the switch and why didn't it flickWell after my last blog post I was feeling like I had identified and worked thru my issues, mourned my loss and embraced my change. I expected to wake up the next morning and feel different. I believed I would suddenly want to eat differently that I would have this sudden control over my food. Ummmm really lol, why I thought that I am not sure but wow what a limiting belief, if I am always waiting for the switch the flip I will be waiting for a very long time.<br />
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I was talking to an amazing friend, Sandie about this last night and her comment was you are the switch, that really resonated with me she is right I am the switch. I decide if I want to eat a certain food, I am in control of what goes in my mouth. Yes there will be cravings but there are things I can do to deal with that.<br />
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So today I have been my switch, I woke up this morning tired and feeling shit, there is lots going on here and so I was feeling like I was failing in a few areas and all I wanted to do was eat, I wanted crap straight away.<br />
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There was a post on facebook that really hit home and reinforced things for me;<br />
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This is where things are at for me. Today is going to be a great day and I will do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next day.<br />Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-16953668685532459712012-07-30T03:03:00.002-07:002012-07-30T03:03:27.465-07:00hiding is easy, living it is rewardingI have been meaning to write this blog post for a few weeks now, but it is so much easier to hide, only thing is I am sick of hiding. I dont want to settle for second best any more.<br />
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I have been struggling with food, seems like a common theme, well it really is, as I am not honest with myself. I continualy tell myself that my eating is not that bad, and that I have been following a healthy eating plan and to be honest its has been a load of bullshit. I eat crap, most days and often to much of it, and just becuase I pretend I am not eating it, even convince myself I am not eating it doesn't mean my body isn't registering it.<br />
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So why? What is stopping me? Well there seems to be 2 things at the moment, this fear of not being able to do it, and feeing like I dont have a safety and that I dont have a support behind me. I dont feel like I am important enough for others to care, I mean really care about my journey, but I also do not care enough about me to back myself in. Well you know what I do have a support system and it is amazing, and I can back myself it. It is going to take a while for my head to catch up and so I will have to tell it and remind it everyday.<br />
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Second factor for me is that I can never make myself as perfect as I want me to be, I hold myself to a standard that I would never expect of anyone else, so I do nothing as it is easier to stay here within the parameters that I know rather than fail yet again. I am letting go of this belief, it not longer matters, the importance is in the achieving, the journey and the process. <br />
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I feel so stuck at times, i honestly want to lose weight but I feel unable to push forward and take that leap.<br />
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So I am going to push myself and move it forward so here is what I will do;<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li>Organise each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch</li>
<li>Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am</li>
<li>Develop a goal and reward system</li>
<li>Be proud of my achievements for the week</li>
<li>Water Water and more water.</li>
</ol>
Weight loss to me seems like the holy grail, and it is the thing I constantly talk about and want to achieve, but I continue to want someone else to do their "magic" for me and make it all better and I continue to believe that I am being deprived in life. I continue to allow food to become more than a fuel in my life. I am sad that I have let almost a year slip by with very little downward progress. I feel trapped by the weight of indecision and lies that I continue to invest time in. Today I take back that power and I know that this choice is mine, my heart is beating and I have a lump in my throat and I am close to tears. Tonight I am mourning the loss of the space that has been my friend, it has served it's purpose and I am embracing my new space and the challenges that come with that space. Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-2952691566358930572012-06-16T00:54:00.002-07:002012-06-16T00:54:32.954-07:00The pain of needing acceptanceLast night it was very clearly bought home to me how much I still crave acceptance. I am always so concerned that what I am doing may cause someone else to feel uncomfortable or not like me and there are times that fear will actually stop me from doing something I want to do for me. As a result I also have difficult asking for or accepting help, and saying no to different things.<br />
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I really want to be able to say NO, to ask for help and to feel ok to just be me in my skin. This was touched on at the Emazon session and I am really looking forward to getting the mind CD so I can work thru this block. I know this is holding me back so much and I know this lack of acceptance of myself is what is at the root of my difficult with losing weight. I have previously talked about needed to start listing my qualities/talents/ the things that make me me, I have never actually done it but I think this is something I need to start doing. There has to be a way to move to acceptance of myself.<br />
<br />
I had an experience that left me in tears in public last night, i felt so insignificant and also disrespected that I just wanted to run away and hide. I had gone to a pub/club thing with an amazing friend. When we arrived we got chatting to a lady there and went to walk into the location with her, she had previously been inside. So this lady walks, in my friend walks in, I say"hey do we need to go that side", Bec says "Nah lets go", so I follow her, no more than a rulers length apart. Security stop me and make me go to the back of the line on the other side, all I can think is I got sent to the back of the line as I was fat. They let Bec walk in, they saw we were together and yet they stopped me. Stuff like this shouldn't bother me, but it really really did.<br />
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I currently have a few balls that I am trying to juggle and life is rather stressful at the moment, so I have taken a step back from some of the facebook groups I am part of. I am feeling the need to protect and shelter myself, but also to take some time to re-energies my batteries. I am taking comments very personally and I am sure that is not how they are meant.<br />
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In saying all of that I need to look at why I am letting others views bother me so much, it really shouldn't matter but I am still striving to be good enough and accepted and so when something doesn't work out that I have planned, I feel like such a failure and that it is all my fault.<br />
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I am not sure how I want to finish this post, I know its not there is still more I want to say, so I will come back to this there will be a part 2.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-32785331744847930762012-06-10T23:56:00.002-07:002012-06-10T23:57:39.735-07:00And the circle continuesAgain I am stuck, I have put on some weight and I feel like I am stagnating in the same spot. I feel like my head is starting to come together and then it falls apart. So back on to the roller coaster of trying to get this weight loss journey to become consistent.<br />
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After really searching and thinking I am starting to see that it is so easy to lie to myself, as a result, often I am not eating well and I don't even acknowledge it. How it tends to work for me is that I eat my 6 meals and they are healthy meals that follow the guidelines I am using but it is the bits in between. The times I eat things like choc, cake, chips and lollies, these things I don't seem to count or remember so I will look back on my week and feel frustrated and disheartened because I have not lost weight or have put it on when I am saying I have had a clean week. To address this I need to plan my meals, I am going to start menu planning again and then packing these meals the night before. If it is packed and ready to go it is so much easier. I need to eat away from distraction, now I sit on the couch and either watch TV or Facebook, sometimes both. I need to turn off the TV, for noise I can use the radio.<br />
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I have previously talked about the fact that I have struggled with staying focused on my goals and that I felt I needed to break them down into weekly goals to keep me focused. So I have developed a daily tracking sheet, I am going to print this up A3 size and laminate it and put magnets on the back. Here is my first one, I am sure this will change over time. This will enable me to have a concrete plan for each day and a constant reminder of what I am doing and Why.<br />
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It really is hard to struggle everyday and feel like you are not going anywhere. Sometimes you really have to stop and look at where you came from to notice the differences. In saying that you really need to stop focusing on the future or the past and live in the now. What can I do now, what do I want to do now, what will make me smile, what will give my family and myself some wonderful memories. To an extent I still sit around and wait for life to catch me, although I am getting better on this front.<br />
<br />
Recently I have let outside things get in the way, I have let food and exercise fall to the side, I have not given them the priority in my life that they should have. Life does get in the way at times, but I think we have to choose do we let life derail us or do we change things around and do what we can. I let life derail me, life will always be there and things will always come up, so if every time something pops up I get derailed I am always going to be going back and fort between those few kilos.<br />
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Weight loss needs to be my priority, so much of my life and also my families life has been put on hold or changed because of my weight loss journey and yet I don't make it a priority, I say that I am but really I am just blowing steam, its a load of crap. So pull me up, challenge me next time you talk to me. The next 12 months are about this weight loss journey and the direction my life is starting to take.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-90798618262089395782012-05-23T03:26:00.001-07:002012-05-23T03:26:18.448-07:00Emazon the start of the begining of the real meOn Sunday I went to an emazon session. I had no idea what to expect but I went in with an open head and heart. Since my last weigh in I have tried so hard to stay on track and I have managed about 75% but it has been bloody hard work. I think that I struggle with the hard work that is involved and the crap that goes on in my head along with all that hard work. Since Sunday it hasent been so hard.<br />
<br />
So Emazon was amazing, I walked out with a feeling of calmness, strength and focus that I have never had before. I walked in feeling such self-doubt, self-loathing for the things I perceived as my inadequacies and I huge fear/hatred of food. When food is such a source of anger and frustration is makes it very hard on a daily basis to eat and not rebel. Once I had finished the session food was just that food, it doesn't have any power over me and I can eat what ever I want to, but it comes down to if that food is supporting me or not and if I choose to value that food for what it is, and that if fuel for my body. Food is not an event, not a crutch, not a boredom killer, it is just fuel nothing more nothing less. I haven't been 100% with food since Sunday but when I have eaten something that is not fuel I haven't let it consume my thinking and send me into a negative spiral, its just food, I made a choice, its done lets move on.<br />
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I found my inner inner strength, my determination and my desire to do this for me. I feel for the first time that I am coming in from the dark, that I am beginning to hear me, it is quite and soft but it is there.<br />
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Emazon said within the next 6-8 weeks we would all face a challenge, well mine decided to come on Monday night. Those of you who have been following me for a while might know that I have had massive car issues for over 12 months, so we got a new 2nd hand car. Well this car broke down, on the way to my daughters school band concert, so we walked, then walked back to the car and it still wouldn't start. Normally this would send me into a tail spin, the world hates me, I must be a bad person, nothing every goes right etc etc and of course I would eat and eat and eat. This would go on for days and particularly in a situation like we are in now when the car is still in the location it broke down and we don't have the money to fix it. This time I said to myself it is a car, nothing more nothing less, it broke down, big deal. I can use public transport and I can use this opportunity to fix any issues the car may have so this doesn't happen again. I was amazed at how I have managed to stay calm and I feel strong, I feel like I have controlled the situation, like I am living my life rather than being controlled by it.<br />
<br />
I am practicing the technique Emazon taught us, to be able to draw ourselves back into the moment with ourselves, rather than the auto-pilot with the negative self-talk that tend to dominate our lives. It is amazing how different things feel when you are actually experiencing them. Mind you I have discovered my balance is not good enough to be able to do lunges with my eyes closed lol.<br />
<br />
I have also started a new supplement regime which I am excited about. I started today, and already I am noticing the increased level of energy and the decrease in bloating. This is such an opportunity for me and something that come about as I was brave enough to just say yes. I added a facebook page recently that was about saying yes to things and experiencing all that life has to offer. Whats so exciting about saying yes is the doors that are opened to you once you start to trust yourself and your abilities and stop fearing the change and opportunity.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-88733021386857292132012-05-10T14:37:00.001-07:002012-05-10T14:37:54.727-07:00Lets get HonestWell today i had my 12 week weigh in for my gym challenge. I knew that I had not done overly well in these last six weeks, but to find out that of the 6 kgs of fat I had lost at the 6 week mark, I have put it all on bar 200grams is devastating. I am so disappointed, frustrated and angry at myself. I want to cry, i just don't want to do it in front of anyone, so maybe in the shower. <br />
<br />
So what now......... lets start with some honesty.<br />
<br />
My food is wrong, I have been eating crap and there have been days where I have binged. I have not been accountable for what has gone in my mouth. So to start with Simon has all the money and my ATM card again, so I can't buy crap. I need to pack my daily food every night, I know organisation is one of my big keys. I also have to find ways to get around my sweet tooth. There are some options for snack options maybe with protein powder, I think I will start to look into those. Portion sizes I think are to big. I hate writing everything down so I have decided I will take a picture of everything I eat and drink, I will be posting this on facebook in a private folder so I don't annoy the crap out of everyone, if you feel like following my progress let me know and I will add you to the folder.<br />
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Next thing is enough with the excuses, saying I am lazy, I don't like cooking, I don't focus enough on my goals are all things I do to stop myself from having to actually do the hard work involved. There are ways to work around each and every one of these things I just have to do it.<br />
<br />
My head is holding me back at the moment to a huge extend. I have booked in to attend an Emazon session which I am really looking forward to. I need to continue to live in the moment, the moment that is my life and the day to day things that come along with that.<br />
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I feel like crap, and I want to eat crap I want to stop focusing on the fact that I fucked things up again, that I had a chance to lose weight and I stopped it. I wont eat crap, I will feel like crap. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to focus on the things I did well.<br />
<br />
So time to pull those big girl pants up start with some honest and mindfulness and try again, things will be different and I will succeed. Next weigh in is in 6 weeks time.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-36953148936299735882012-04-30T06:44:00.000-07:002012-04-30T06:44:23.152-07:00Just MeToday I have managed to not binge, or include foods that don't support my goals. Before I went to sleep last night I had a talk with myself, sounds silly doesn't it. It works for me, it is about treating myself like I would treat any other person. I told myself it was OK to crave food, it doesn't make me a bad person and that just because I was craving something didn't mean I had to go and have it. I am worth taking some time/ worth the effort to be prepared and make food.<br />
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I have struggled with some second guessing and also some negative talk due to an incident tonight. I took on board someone else negative emotions and let that make me feel like I had done something wrong. I am very passionate about paying this journey forward and there will/are times when I will meet people who have their own agenda which makes having a relationship where we support each other and develop a mutual respect impossible. That doesn't make either of us wrong, it just means we are not right for each other. (Sounds like I am talking about finding a life long partner lol)<br />
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I am a good person, with lots of amazing qualities, strengths and personality traits. My best is good enough and all I can do is be open and honest and live to my values and morals. No person has the power to make me feel negatively about myself. I am good enough, I am strong enough and I am worth it.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-52881973516396601562012-04-27T03:12:00.001-07:002012-04-27T03:12:52.703-07:00Is the struggle worth the journey.After my last post, an amazing friend who I have know for a long time called me, there was a level of concern that things were seeming quite negative. I feel like while much of this journey and the bits that end up here on my blog often highlight the negative, I am ok with that I feel like it is the struggle I need to go thru to make the end point the best possible version of me. I don't ever want to go back to being overweight, actually I don't want to go backwards at any point, but for me that means I need to address some of the reason why I am over weight. While this journey is difficult and at times emotionally challenging I am proud of the fact that I am able to move forward and continue on this path of physical, emotional and spiritual self-discovery.<br />
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I am still struggling a little, more because I am letting myself. It is so much easier to sit here and do nothing rather than force myself to get out there and do things. I have spent many days trying to work out what was holding me back, because there must be something holding me back, right? I mean seriously I wouldn't be eating crap if there wasn't something going on in my head. I had been going back and forward and struggling and nothing was coming up that was new. Tuesday I was on the way to the dentist, big shout out to another amazing lady I have met on this journey, thank you so much, and it hit me there is nothing holding me back, there is no deep seeded emotional issue,(that is new lol) I just need to choose to eat healthy and live this life. I need to be prepared to say no to myself and to be strong. <br />
<br />
Today I was reading an article about Compulsive overeating and it rang true with me, I am a compulsive over eater, there are days where I wake up thinking about food and ways I can get the food I want, I want it for the texture, the taste, the convenience and just because. I think about food all day often. This ties in to being lazy and not having a full life, it gives me time to think about food. I think it was in this article, that it said something along the lines of you will never fill the hole in your soul with food. That is what I have been trying to do. Here is the link to the article <a href="http://curlyhairedchica.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/the-other-eating-disorder-compulsive-overeating/">http://curlyhairedchica.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/the-other-eating-disorder-compulsive-overeating/</a> A few years ago I went to a Overeaters Anonymous meeting, the food equivalent of AA. This is something I may look into more, but I thought I would list the 12 steps on here.<br />
<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<ol>
<li>We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable. </li>
<li>Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. </li>
<li>Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him. </li>
<li>Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves. </li>
<li>Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs. </li>
<li>Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character. </li>
<li>Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings. </li>
<li>Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. </li>
<li>Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. </li>
<li>Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it. </li>
<li>Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out. </li>
<li>Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs. </li>
</ol>
Permission to use the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous for adaptation granted by AA World Services, Inc. </blockquote>
The other thing I have realised today is that I am some what unfocused on this weight loss journey. I have some goals but I feel like they are not concrete for me, so over the weekend I want to review these goals and plan out how I am going to reach them. Add information to the calender, my phone and my diary. Hopefully having these things planned out and in front of me will help me to focus on a regular basis and support me in my quest to not be controlled by food.<br />
<br />
This last week I have been sick, ever since I moved to Melbourne, 12 odd years ago I get a cold/cough thing, which basically is just this persistent cough where I keep myself up and can make myself vomit. I hate it, drives me batty and will last from a day or 2 up to the longest I have had it for is 10 odd weeks, when it is really bad I loose my voice and can't breath properly. I haven't trained this week because I didn't want to make it worse, it seems to be something I get when I am run down. Although I didn't really feel like I was run down, maybe it was all the crap food. Its not getting any better and now I am stuck, so I think I am going to leave it for the weekend and try and rest as much as I can and then back into things on Monday.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-46938115789425502822012-04-15T04:56:00.000-07:002012-04-15T04:56:51.859-07:00Losing myself in the hazy of myselfFor anyone who has been reading my blog you will notice from my last few posts that I have been struggling a little. This feeling has continued and my realisation over the last few days has been that mostly I am just a little lost.<br />
<br />
I have found that my way of coping with all the perceived expectations I placed on myself, my shame at how over weight I was and my complete loathing for myself was to hid, even from myself. I have mentioned before that I really don't have an idea about what makes me passionate, I don't know what it is that makes me excited.<br />
<br />
Lately I have been feeling an extreme lack of motivation and enthusiasm. I spend my days sitting on the couch watching TV and doing nothing, I don't even keep up with cleaning most of the time as I just don't feel like doing anything. I understand that some of that will be residual from my bad eating but I feel it is more than that. I feel like my life has no direction, nothing that brings a smile to my face (not including my family in this conversation) and defiantly nothing that makes me feel alive and refreshed. exercise doesn't do that for me yet, it is still a chore, maybe one day. My head is just this hazy of nothingness and it just seems like it is to much to get up and do anything cos I am not actually living in my life.<br />
<br />
The majority of people are able to tell you what interests them or what their passions are, for me when I start to think about that there is just this nothingness, just a hazy its like I am just not connected to that part of me. I guess part of that comes from the fact that I have never thought I was worthy of anything so didn't value myself enough to ever really develop hobbies or interests.<br />
<br />
At the moment I am feeling like my life is a lot of nothing and it is not helping to motivate me or encourage me to do anything. I know that sitting on the couch all day doesn't help and just makes it worse. So I have to start sitting on the couch less, try lots of new different things so I can try and find that thing/s that makes me excited. My family were/are Christian but haven't been church going for quite a few years now, I have been feeling the pull to move back towards going to church again so this is something I will explore as well.<br />
<br />
Life is very much what you make it and right now I feel like I am being passed by and not actually living. I want to live my life with passion, commitment and to the fullest and right now that is not happening.Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-13800282243893743282012-04-13T03:39:00.000-07:002012-04-13T03:39:17.257-07:00Great ExpectationsWell since my last post I am still struggling with food in actual fact I have gotten worse. It has just been Easter and that really didn't help to try and focus my attention on getting back on track. My mind was starting to become clouded and I was starting to feel like I wasn't able to do this. I have spent much of today really thinking and analysing this as there has to be a reason, some underlying pay off for the eating.<br />
<br />
Again for me it seems to come down to the expectations I have of myself, I have such high expectations and to be honest and logical they are completely un-achievable, things like expecting to be able to lift heavy weights quickly and to lose big numbers weight loss wise and to be within a health weight loss range. Due to my expectations being so high I am constantly failing, and so now I just believe I will fail. I hate the idea of failing and so it is easier for me to sabotage myself rather than risk failing. I know that seem stupid, but by sabotaging I am controlling the fact that I will fail so I don't have to fear it because I know it will happen.<br />
<br />
The reality of this situation is that truthfully I am not failing, I am achieving, just not to the stupid level I expect of myself, things that I would never expect of anyone else. So how do I get myself to see that??<br />
<br />
There were a few things that helped me to level myself out.<br />
<br />
1.Coming to the realisation that as much as I hate to admit it what I eat is a choice, my head doesn't control me, nor does a craving. I have to take the time to think about what I want to put in my mouth and the reasons behind it. I can eat what ever I want to but is that really what I want to do. I like to think that my cravings control me and there are times when my cravings are so strong it becomes a physical thing and impacts on my mood and interactions with others. I let these feelings and cravings take control of me and I don't fight them.<br />
<br />
2. A friend of mine sent me an email, that really spoke to me. "<br />
<div class="content noh">
What I'm trying to do is relax, stop thinking and just be, over thinking is definitely my big vice! Always going straight to the negative!! My friend who passed away last week uses to tell herself everyday that she's beautiful, courageous, inspirational etc she had a big list she had written down of all the things she is and her hubby read them all out at her funeral, it was the most amazing thing to hear someone speak like that of themselves coz it takes guts to believe in yourself like that and that is how I'm trying to live! You should try it too, life is too short to focus on all the negatives coz u are the only one who thinks it xxxxx "</div>
<div class="content noh">
Life really is to short and you never know what is around the corner. The idea of having a list of things I like about myself and of believing in myself is so foreign to me because I don't, I find it really confronting to think of something good about myself and yet I am starting to see just how important this is.</div>
<div class="content noh">
<br /></div>
<div class="content noh">
3. I spent some time on a facebook page called smashfit. <a href="http://www.facebook.com/?sk=nf#!/SmashFit">http://www.facebook.com/?sk=nf#!/SmashFit</a> </div>
<div class="content noh">
There were some posts on there that really struck a cord for me. I will share a couple.</div>
<div class="content noh">
<ul>
<li><span class="caption"><div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_4f87ffc10e0502715661172">
You have to get rid of the notion of DEPRIVATION. <br />You are not deprived because <span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show">you can't eat donuts, candy, or a big mac. I know you want them, but you don't need them. <br /><br />What you DEPRIVING yourself of, is that BODY you crave, the energy you try to coffee-up, and the health that keeps you going and glowing from every angle. I know the food tastes good and your taste"buds" are happy,but for the 10 minutes your buds get to be happy, your body has hours of filtering, digesting and *storing* to do. Do this over and over in one single day and your body won't be very happy with your "buds". Of course you should indulge from time to time, but not every day, all the time. Then you're just depriving yourself of your health.... and your best you. <br />-Heather Frey</span></div>
</span></li>
<li><span class="caption"><div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="text_exposed_show"><span class="caption"> <div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed" id="id_4f87ffd1264bc6050745900">
So you have MOTIVATION but feel weak on the willpower. <br /><br />That is, you're motivat<span class="text_exposed_hide">...</span><span class="text_exposed_show">ed to workout but don't have the willpower to turn away dessert. To bring these two power sources together and turn them into one takes, well, motivation and willpower. BUT, if you have one, you certainly have the strength to conquer the other. At the center of your motivation is a GOAL, ie to get smaller, to get leaner, to build muscle, to run faster, etc. To conjure up your willpower, you have to *include* in your motivation package. You make yourself workout when you don't feel like it because you can envision what you want. <br /><br />Willpower is no different - you have to ENVISION what you want in the same way and know that turning down the donuts and passing on the pizza IS part of the goal. MOTIVATE yourself to walk away, make a better choice, or realize you're not even hungry. <br /><br />Here are 3 Simple ways to Wake Up Your Willpower:<br />1. Pictures and/words. I've posted this before but it's a great brain-jolter - Put motivating words and/or pictures on your phone, in your purse, in your wallet, on your desk, in the kitchen, in your kids room, by the TV, wherever you think you might feel weak, post a reminder. <br /><br />2. Set your treat meal (or dessert) at the beginning of the week. It gives you something to look forward to and when you have it, there will be absolutely no guilt. That feeling alone is worth your willpower. <br /><br />3. See food as a means to your fabulous end! Don't let sugar, fat, salt and chemicals stand in the way who you truly are. <br /><br />-Heather Frey</span></div>
</span></span></div>
</span></li>
</ul>
</div>
<span class="caption"><span class="text_exposed_show"><span class="caption"><div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="text_exposed_show">So now that I have some idea on why I am struggling with food what am I going to do to try and address that.</span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="text_exposed_show"> I have put a note on my phone to come up at 9am everyday that says "I am not controlled by food, I am worthy of everything I dream of. I will eat food that supports me to reach my goals."</span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="text_exposed_show"> I feel like I need to spend a period of time each night focusing on what I have achieved for the day and the goals I have for the next day. </span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="text_exposed_show">Challenge myself to try new things, to find my passion to start to feel and not hide myself away.</span></div>
<div class="text_exposed_root text_exposed">
<span class="text_exposed_show"> To start my list of things I like about myself.</span></div>
</span></span></span>Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-45168761172351167992012-04-04T05:13:00.001-07:002012-04-04T05:20:06.481-07:00What happens when you decide not to actually feelThis post has been a long time in the making and I have been avoiding it as I didn't want to write these things down, I didn't want to face that this was what was actually going on, cos once I face it I have to address it and move on.<br />
<br />
About 3 weeks ago as part of the challenge at the gym we did a fun run, you could do either 6 or 10km. Now this was on a Saturday morning along a main road along the beach, so lots and lots of traffic. In the week preceding this run I started to eat, just little bits here and there, nothing like it use to be. I didn't really think about it at the time, but when I look back on it, I was so scared all week. This "fun" run really got under my skin because of a few factors. It would be the first thing I had to do on my own, normally when I do something new there is one of the other girls from the group with me or Simon. I knew that one of the other amazing girls from the gym Lauren would be there, but Lauren is many KGs ahead of me on this road, she is one of my inspirations and I knew she would be running. I had never tried to do 6km, the week before I had only just managed to do 1km without stopping. Then there was the whole running on a main road thing, I still struggle with my head thinking what must other people think of me. <br />
<br />
So basically I was scared and nervous, and rather than acknowledging that and moving thru it I ignored it, I didn't even decide for sure I would do the event until the night before when some of the girls from the group told me I should lol. If I had stopped and thought about this event and planned what I was going to do and how I was going to address it maybe I wouldn't have been eating to stop that horrible feeling welling up inside of me.<br />
<br />
Now the eating didn't stop after this event finished. The next thing coming up was week 6 week weigh-in and measure. I didn't notice any of this stuff going on at the time, it is only as I look back that I see this stuff. What was worrying me in the lead up to this is that my good enough may not have been enough. I really had been good until we hit the fun run, and even then I was still rather constrained, only problem was it kept getting worse as I wasn't acknowledging my reasons. I really didn't know what I would do if this wasn't working, I have been trying so hard and working my butt of, and have given up so much time with Simon to do this plan and if it wasn't working what then. The idea that my best wasn't good enough was so frightening to me and so unsettling, the thought of failing really rocks me as I have so much invested and so many reasons for wanting this. Now if I had stopped I would have noticed the changes in my body and I would have been able to see that yes this is working, but again I didn't want to feel that horrible feeling.<br />
<br />
Now I did get good results on my 6 week weigh-in, actually I was really happy, but still the eating didn't stop. Why didn't it stop? Well when I look back on it, it was because I didn't address anything, also because I didn't acknowledge what I had managed to do, I didn't rejoice in my achievements, I never challenged that negative thinking. Then this weekend just gone I completed the run for the kids 14.38km "fun" run. This ended up being a very negative event for me. Stupid isn't it, I actually started and finished 14.38km's and I couldn't be happy and proud of that. <br />
<br />
I went into the event with no real goal, at least non that I was willing to verbalise. I wanted to do it in around 2 1/2 hours, I wanted to run as much as possible. I was going to try and keep up with an amazing friend Megan. I do alot of training with Megan and I love her sense of humour and her willingness to get in and give it ago, she amazes me with what she can do. So we start and I run with Megan, I even manage to run about 2 kms, which is so huge give that 3 weeks ago I only just managed to run 1km. Then I had to walk, my body really started to hurt and the next 12 km were a fight with my head. I need to say a huge thank you to another amazing lady Simone. Simone pushed herself so hard during the run, and really kicked some goals, but she still managed to stop and get me some jelly beans when I was having a massive blood sugar low, without her I don't think I would have finished. Now I did finish and I did it in 2 hours and 42 mins, and then I cried, not cos I was happy but because I didn't think it was good enough. Really I wish I could slap myself lol. Again I couldn't acknowledge the amazing achievement because I was so stuck in the negative. <br />
<br />
Now this eating has continued and it has gotten worse, this week has been crap. I am worried now that I have done damage to my achievements so far and that I will have put on the weight I have lost. I am worried that I wont be able to pull it back it. I am still slightly stuck in that negative.<br />
<br />
This blog post for me is about getting it out and stopping the negative. I don't have to be strong, I don't have to be the best, I am allowed to be scared I just need to do it anyway. <br />
<br />
I don't really know how I get back to where I need to be, one day at a time I guess. I am thinking I need to pack my food the night before hand and have it ready. I also think I need to go back to not having any money, that way I can't go to the shop. Next is the hard part, how do I actually address my feelings. While all of this was going on I didn't notice it, it wasn't until after the event that I was able to look back and see that is how and why I was feeling and doing. So it seems to come back to being mindful and actually living in the moment. I did a Tai Chi class this week which I found really helped to clear my head and to allow me to find some clarity and space within my head. I am going to have to try some meditation/ yoga/ Tai Chi much more regularly I would like to build up to every day as I feel this would give me some space to actually feel what I need to and the clarity my mind seeks.<br />
<br />
I am still struggling cos I am eating but I am acknowledging and I am trying to address and feel.<br />
<br />
I have added some comparison pics from my 1st 6 weeks.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8gmOTDHYoBymFHhwfP94fTLgVA-yEknM9hP2gLQaxFGxsTqQbdgriXmSXk_mU0c6iEWed-uvi_KL9y1G6Tv5vi-O-nHTsYX-ueJHv14ohFUzqyyWCOzxorESNovlcMQQTX9UxTSihhFzQ/s1600/Desktop2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" nda="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj8gmOTDHYoBymFHhwfP94fTLgVA-yEknM9hP2gLQaxFGxsTqQbdgriXmSXk_mU0c6iEWed-uvi_KL9y1G6Tv5vi-O-nHTsYX-ueJHv14ohFUzqyyWCOzxorESNovlcMQQTX9UxTSihhFzQ/s320/Desktop2.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-718413735621860449.post-11112266627178894752012-03-05T22:12:00.000-08:002012-03-05T22:12:21.323-08:00You 1st have to love yourselfThis a statement I have heard so many times, if you want to lose weight you have to love yourself. Now for me as an overweight person, or fat chick as I often say the thought of loving myself was just horrible, I hated myself, I was fat, disgusting, lazy, useless, no good etc etc. These thought patterns were/are constant in my head and they are the words I use when talking about myself, so how can you love someone that is such a bad person, because that is what I thought I was.<br />
<br />
What I realised today is that every one of those things I think about myself, the way I was defining myself, the things I was using to rate how much I loved myself are things I am/do not actually who I am. Loving myself is about who I am, my actual personality. The problem is that for such a long time I haven't use my personality to gauge my worth as a person, I am not really sure who or what my personality is.<br />
<br />
Once I realised that to love myself is about my personality not about how I look, I was some what dumbfounded at the simplicity of it and yet this is something that has held me back for such a long time. me being fat doesn't not define who I am, the fact that I have empathy say so much more about me. Now while this statement may be simplistic, I am not so sure putting it into action will be quite so simple. So I am going to start with a list of the personality traits that I really like about myself.<br />
<br />Daniellehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10481123366440091427noreply@blogger.com0