Where's the switch and why didn't it flick

Well after my last blog post I was feeling like I had identified and worked thru my issues, mourned my loss and embraced my change. I expected to wake up the next morning and feel different. I believed I would suddenly want to eat differently that I would have this sudden control over my food. Ummmm really lol, why I thought that I am not sure but wow what a limiting belief, if I am always waiting for the switch the flip I will be waiting for a very long time.

I was talking to an amazing friend, Sandie about this last night and her comment was you are the switch, that really resonated with me she is right I am the switch. I decide if I want to eat a certain food, I am in control of what goes in my mouth. Yes there will be cravings but there are things I can do to deal with that.

So today I have been my switch, I woke up this morning tired and feeling shit, there is lots going on here and so I was feeling like I was failing in a few areas and all I wanted to do was eat, I wanted crap straight away.

There was a post on facebook that really hit home and reinforced things for me;

This is where things are at for me. Today is going to be a great day and I will do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next day.

hiding is easy, living it is rewarding

I have been meaning to write this blog post for a few weeks now, but it is so much easier to hide, only thing is I am sick of hiding. I dont want to settle for second best any more.

I have been struggling with food, seems like a common theme, well it really is, as I am not honest with myself. I continualy tell myself that my eating is not that bad, and that I have been following a healthy eating plan and to be honest its has been a load of bullshit. I eat crap, most days and often to much of it, and just becuase I pretend I am not eating it, even convince myself I am not eating it doesn't mean my body isn't registering it.

So why? What is stopping me? Well there seems to be 2 things at the moment, this fear of not being able to do it, and feeing like I dont have a safety and that I dont have a support behind me. I dont feel like I am important enough for others to care, I mean really care about my journey, but I also do  not care enough about me to back myself in. Well you know what I do have a support system and it is amazing, and I can back myself it. It is going to take a while for my head to catch up and so I will have to tell it and remind it everyday.

Second factor for me is that I can never make myself as perfect as I want me to be, I hold myself to a standard that I would never expect of anyone else, so I do nothing as it is easier to stay here within the parameters that I know rather than fail yet again. I am letting go of this belief, it not longer matters, the importance is in the achieving, the journey and the process.

I feel so stuck at times, i honestly want to lose weight but I feel unable to push forward and take that leap.

So I am going to push myself and move it forward so here is what I will do;

1. Organise each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch
2. Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am
3. Develop a goal and reward system
4. Be proud of my achievements for the week
5. Water Water and more water.

Weight loss to me seems like the holy grail, and it is the thing I constantly talk about and want to achieve, but I continue to want someone else to do their "magic" for me and make it all better and I continue to believe that I am being deprived in life. I continue to allow food to become more than a fuel in my life. I am sad that I have let almost a year slip by with very little downward progress. I feel trapped by the weight of indecision and lies that I continue to invest time in. Today I take back that power and I know that this choice is mine, my heart is beating and I have a lump in my throat and I am close to tears. Tonight I am mourning the loss of the space that has been my friend, it has served it's purpose and I am embracing my new space and the challenges that come with that space.