For anyone who has been reading my blog you will notice from my last few posts that I have been struggling a little. This feeling has continued and my realisation over the last few days has been that mostly I am just a little lost.
I have found that my way of coping with all the perceived expectations I placed on myself, my shame at how over weight I was and my complete loathing for myself was to hid, even from myself. I have mentioned before that I really don't have an idea about what makes me passionate, I don't know what it is that makes me excited.
Lately I have been feeling an extreme lack of motivation and enthusiasm. I spend my days sitting on the couch watching TV and doing nothing, I don't even keep up with cleaning most of the time as I just don't feel like doing anything. I understand that some of that will be residual from my bad eating but I feel it is more than that. I feel like my life has no direction, nothing that brings a smile to my face (not including my family in this conversation) and defiantly nothing that makes me feel alive and refreshed. exercise doesn't do that for me yet, it is still a chore, maybe one day. My head is just this hazy of nothingness and it just seems like it is to much to get up and do anything cos I am not actually living in my life.
The majority of people are able to tell you what interests them or what their passions are, for me when I start to think about that there is just this nothingness, just a hazy its like I am just not connected to that part of me. I guess part of that comes from the fact that I have never thought I was worthy of anything so didn't value myself enough to ever really develop hobbies or interests.
At the moment I am feeling like my life is a lot of nothing and it is not helping to motivate me or encourage me to do anything. I know that sitting on the couch all day doesn't help and just makes it worse. So I have to start sitting on the couch less, try lots of new different things so I can try and find that thing/s that makes me excited. My family were/are Christian but haven't been church going for quite a few years now, I have been feeling the pull to move back towards going to church again so this is something I will explore as well.
Life is very much what you make it and right now I feel like I am being passed by and not actually living. I want to live my life with passion, commitment and to the fullest and right now that is not happening.
Sunday, 15 April 2012
Friday, 13 April 2012
Great Expectations
Well since my last post I am still struggling with food in actual fact I have gotten worse. It has just been Easter and that really didn't help to try and focus my attention on getting back on track. My mind was starting to become clouded and I was starting to feel like I wasn't able to do this. I have spent much of today really thinking and analysing this as there has to be a reason, some underlying pay off for the eating.
Again for me it seems to come down to the expectations I have of myself, I have such high expectations and to be honest and logical they are completely un-achievable, things like expecting to be able to lift heavy weights quickly and to lose big numbers weight loss wise and to be within a health weight loss range. Due to my expectations being so high I am constantly failing, and so now I just believe I will fail. I hate the idea of failing and so it is easier for me to sabotage myself rather than risk failing. I know that seem stupid, but by sabotaging I am controlling the fact that I will fail so I don't have to fear it because I know it will happen.
The reality of this situation is that truthfully I am not failing, I am achieving, just not to the stupid level I expect of myself, things that I would never expect of anyone else. So how do I get myself to see that??
There were a few things that helped me to level myself out.
1.Coming to the realisation that as much as I hate to admit it what I eat is a choice, my head doesn't control me, nor does a craving. I have to take the time to think about what I want to put in my mouth and the reasons behind it. I can eat what ever I want to but is that really what I want to do. I like to think that my cravings control me and there are times when my cravings are so strong it becomes a physical thing and impacts on my mood and interactions with others. I let these feelings and cravings take control of me and I don't fight them.
2. A friend of mine sent me an email, that really spoke to me. "
Again for me it seems to come down to the expectations I have of myself, I have such high expectations and to be honest and logical they are completely un-achievable, things like expecting to be able to lift heavy weights quickly and to lose big numbers weight loss wise and to be within a health weight loss range. Due to my expectations being so high I am constantly failing, and so now I just believe I will fail. I hate the idea of failing and so it is easier for me to sabotage myself rather than risk failing. I know that seem stupid, but by sabotaging I am controlling the fact that I will fail so I don't have to fear it because I know it will happen.
The reality of this situation is that truthfully I am not failing, I am achieving, just not to the stupid level I expect of myself, things that I would never expect of anyone else. So how do I get myself to see that??
There were a few things that helped me to level myself out.
1.Coming to the realisation that as much as I hate to admit it what I eat is a choice, my head doesn't control me, nor does a craving. I have to take the time to think about what I want to put in my mouth and the reasons behind it. I can eat what ever I want to but is that really what I want to do. I like to think that my cravings control me and there are times when my cravings are so strong it becomes a physical thing and impacts on my mood and interactions with others. I let these feelings and cravings take control of me and I don't fight them.
2. A friend of mine sent me an email, that really spoke to me. "
What I'm trying to do is relax, stop thinking and just be, over thinking is definitely my big vice! Always going straight to the negative!! My friend who passed away last week uses to tell herself everyday that she's beautiful, courageous, inspirational etc she had a big list she had written down of all the things she is and her hubby read them all out at her funeral, it was the most amazing thing to hear someone speak like that of themselves coz it takes guts to believe in yourself like that and that is how I'm trying to live! You should try it too, life is too short to focus on all the negatives coz u are the only one who thinks it xxxxx "
Life really is to short and you never know what is around the corner. The idea of having a list of things I like about myself and of believing in myself is so foreign to me because I don't, I find it really confronting to think of something good about myself and yet I am starting to see just how important this is.
3. I spent some time on a facebook page called smashfit. http://www.facebook.com/?sk=nf#!/SmashFit
There were some posts on there that really struck a cord for me. I will share a couple.
- You have to get rid of the notion of DEPRIVATION.
You are not deprived because ...you can't eat donuts, candy, or a big mac. I know you want them, but you don't need them.
What you DEPRIVING yourself of, is that BODY you crave, the energy you try to coffee-up, and the health that keeps you going and glowing from every angle. I know the food tastes good and your taste"buds" are happy,but for the 10 minutes your buds get to be happy, your body has hours of filtering, digesting and *storing* to do. Do this over and over in one single day and your body won't be very happy with your "buds". Of course you should indulge from time to time, but not every day, all the time. Then you're just depriving yourself of your health.... and your best you.
-Heather Frey - So you have MOTIVATION but feel weak on the willpower.
That is, you're motivat...ed to workout but don't have the willpower to turn away dessert. To bring these two power sources together and turn them into one takes, well, motivation and willpower. BUT, if you have one, you certainly have the strength to conquer the other. At the center of your motivation is a GOAL, ie to get smaller, to get leaner, to build muscle, to run faster, etc. To conjure up your willpower, you have to *include* in your motivation package. You make yourself workout when you don't feel like it because you can envision what you want.
Willpower is no different - you have to ENVISION what you want in the same way and know that turning down the donuts and passing on the pizza IS part of the goal. MOTIVATE yourself to walk away, make a better choice, or realize you're not even hungry.
Here are 3 Simple ways to Wake Up Your Willpower:
1. Pictures and/words. I've posted this before but it's a great brain-jolter - Put motivating words and/or pictures on your phone, in your purse, in your wallet, on your desk, in the kitchen, in your kids room, by the TV, wherever you think you might feel weak, post a reminder.
2. Set your treat meal (or dessert) at the beginning of the week. It gives you something to look forward to and when you have it, there will be absolutely no guilt. That feeling alone is worth your willpower.
3. See food as a means to your fabulous end! Don't let sugar, fat, salt and chemicals stand in the way who you truly are.
-Heather Frey
So now that I have some idea on why I am struggling with food what am I going to do to try and address that.
I have put a note on my phone to come up at 9am everyday that says "I am not controlled by food, I am worthy of everything I dream of. I will eat food that supports me to reach my goals."
I feel like I need to spend a period of time each night focusing on what I have achieved for the day and the goals I have for the next day.
Challenge myself to try new things, to find my passion to start to feel and not hide myself away.
To start my list of things I like about myself.
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
What happens when you decide not to actually feel
This post has been a long time in the making and I have been avoiding it as I didn't want to write these things down, I didn't want to face that this was what was actually going on, cos once I face it I have to address it and move on.
About 3 weeks ago as part of the challenge at the gym we did a fun run, you could do either 6 or 10km. Now this was on a Saturday morning along a main road along the beach, so lots and lots of traffic. In the week preceding this run I started to eat, just little bits here and there, nothing like it use to be. I didn't really think about it at the time, but when I look back on it, I was so scared all week. This "fun" run really got under my skin because of a few factors. It would be the first thing I had to do on my own, normally when I do something new there is one of the other girls from the group with me or Simon. I knew that one of the other amazing girls from the gym Lauren would be there, but Lauren is many KGs ahead of me on this road, she is one of my inspirations and I knew she would be running. I had never tried to do 6km, the week before I had only just managed to do 1km without stopping. Then there was the whole running on a main road thing, I still struggle with my head thinking what must other people think of me.
So basically I was scared and nervous, and rather than acknowledging that and moving thru it I ignored it, I didn't even decide for sure I would do the event until the night before when some of the girls from the group told me I should lol. If I had stopped and thought about this event and planned what I was going to do and how I was going to address it maybe I wouldn't have been eating to stop that horrible feeling welling up inside of me.
Now the eating didn't stop after this event finished. The next thing coming up was week 6 week weigh-in and measure. I didn't notice any of this stuff going on at the time, it is only as I look back that I see this stuff. What was worrying me in the lead up to this is that my good enough may not have been enough. I really had been good until we hit the fun run, and even then I was still rather constrained, only problem was it kept getting worse as I wasn't acknowledging my reasons. I really didn't know what I would do if this wasn't working, I have been trying so hard and working my butt of, and have given up so much time with Simon to do this plan and if it wasn't working what then. The idea that my best wasn't good enough was so frightening to me and so unsettling, the thought of failing really rocks me as I have so much invested and so many reasons for wanting this. Now if I had stopped I would have noticed the changes in my body and I would have been able to see that yes this is working, but again I didn't want to feel that horrible feeling.
Now I did get good results on my 6 week weigh-in, actually I was really happy, but still the eating didn't stop. Why didn't it stop? Well when I look back on it, it was because I didn't address anything, also because I didn't acknowledge what I had managed to do, I didn't rejoice in my achievements, I never challenged that negative thinking. Then this weekend just gone I completed the run for the kids 14.38km "fun" run. This ended up being a very negative event for me. Stupid isn't it, I actually started and finished 14.38km's and I couldn't be happy and proud of that.
I went into the event with no real goal, at least non that I was willing to verbalise. I wanted to do it in around 2 1/2 hours, I wanted to run as much as possible. I was going to try and keep up with an amazing friend Megan. I do alot of training with Megan and I love her sense of humour and her willingness to get in and give it ago, she amazes me with what she can do. So we start and I run with Megan, I even manage to run about 2 kms, which is so huge give that 3 weeks ago I only just managed to run 1km. Then I had to walk, my body really started to hurt and the next 12 km were a fight with my head. I need to say a huge thank you to another amazing lady Simone. Simone pushed herself so hard during the run, and really kicked some goals, but she still managed to stop and get me some jelly beans when I was having a massive blood sugar low, without her I don't think I would have finished. Now I did finish and I did it in 2 hours and 42 mins, and then I cried, not cos I was happy but because I didn't think it was good enough. Really I wish I could slap myself lol. Again I couldn't acknowledge the amazing achievement because I was so stuck in the negative.
Now this eating has continued and it has gotten worse, this week has been crap. I am worried now that I have done damage to my achievements so far and that I will have put on the weight I have lost. I am worried that I wont be able to pull it back it. I am still slightly stuck in that negative.
This blog post for me is about getting it out and stopping the negative. I don't have to be strong, I don't have to be the best, I am allowed to be scared I just need to do it anyway.
I don't really know how I get back to where I need to be, one day at a time I guess. I am thinking I need to pack my food the night before hand and have it ready. I also think I need to go back to not having any money, that way I can't go to the shop. Next is the hard part, how do I actually address my feelings. While all of this was going on I didn't notice it, it wasn't until after the event that I was able to look back and see that is how and why I was feeling and doing. So it seems to come back to being mindful and actually living in the moment. I did a Tai Chi class this week which I found really helped to clear my head and to allow me to find some clarity and space within my head. I am going to have to try some meditation/ yoga/ Tai Chi much more regularly I would like to build up to every day as I feel this would give me some space to actually feel what I need to and the clarity my mind seeks.
I am still struggling cos I am eating but I am acknowledging and I am trying to address and feel.
I have added some comparison pics from my 1st 6 weeks.
About 3 weeks ago as part of the challenge at the gym we did a fun run, you could do either 6 or 10km. Now this was on a Saturday morning along a main road along the beach, so lots and lots of traffic. In the week preceding this run I started to eat, just little bits here and there, nothing like it use to be. I didn't really think about it at the time, but when I look back on it, I was so scared all week. This "fun" run really got under my skin because of a few factors. It would be the first thing I had to do on my own, normally when I do something new there is one of the other girls from the group with me or Simon. I knew that one of the other amazing girls from the gym Lauren would be there, but Lauren is many KGs ahead of me on this road, she is one of my inspirations and I knew she would be running. I had never tried to do 6km, the week before I had only just managed to do 1km without stopping. Then there was the whole running on a main road thing, I still struggle with my head thinking what must other people think of me.
So basically I was scared and nervous, and rather than acknowledging that and moving thru it I ignored it, I didn't even decide for sure I would do the event until the night before when some of the girls from the group told me I should lol. If I had stopped and thought about this event and planned what I was going to do and how I was going to address it maybe I wouldn't have been eating to stop that horrible feeling welling up inside of me.
Now the eating didn't stop after this event finished. The next thing coming up was week 6 week weigh-in and measure. I didn't notice any of this stuff going on at the time, it is only as I look back that I see this stuff. What was worrying me in the lead up to this is that my good enough may not have been enough. I really had been good until we hit the fun run, and even then I was still rather constrained, only problem was it kept getting worse as I wasn't acknowledging my reasons. I really didn't know what I would do if this wasn't working, I have been trying so hard and working my butt of, and have given up so much time with Simon to do this plan and if it wasn't working what then. The idea that my best wasn't good enough was so frightening to me and so unsettling, the thought of failing really rocks me as I have so much invested and so many reasons for wanting this. Now if I had stopped I would have noticed the changes in my body and I would have been able to see that yes this is working, but again I didn't want to feel that horrible feeling.
Now I did get good results on my 6 week weigh-in, actually I was really happy, but still the eating didn't stop. Why didn't it stop? Well when I look back on it, it was because I didn't address anything, also because I didn't acknowledge what I had managed to do, I didn't rejoice in my achievements, I never challenged that negative thinking. Then this weekend just gone I completed the run for the kids 14.38km "fun" run. This ended up being a very negative event for me. Stupid isn't it, I actually started and finished 14.38km's and I couldn't be happy and proud of that.
I went into the event with no real goal, at least non that I was willing to verbalise. I wanted to do it in around 2 1/2 hours, I wanted to run as much as possible. I was going to try and keep up with an amazing friend Megan. I do alot of training with Megan and I love her sense of humour and her willingness to get in and give it ago, she amazes me with what she can do. So we start and I run with Megan, I even manage to run about 2 kms, which is so huge give that 3 weeks ago I only just managed to run 1km. Then I had to walk, my body really started to hurt and the next 12 km were a fight with my head. I need to say a huge thank you to another amazing lady Simone. Simone pushed herself so hard during the run, and really kicked some goals, but she still managed to stop and get me some jelly beans when I was having a massive blood sugar low, without her I don't think I would have finished. Now I did finish and I did it in 2 hours and 42 mins, and then I cried, not cos I was happy but because I didn't think it was good enough. Really I wish I could slap myself lol. Again I couldn't acknowledge the amazing achievement because I was so stuck in the negative.
Now this eating has continued and it has gotten worse, this week has been crap. I am worried now that I have done damage to my achievements so far and that I will have put on the weight I have lost. I am worried that I wont be able to pull it back it. I am still slightly stuck in that negative.
This blog post for me is about getting it out and stopping the negative. I don't have to be strong, I don't have to be the best, I am allowed to be scared I just need to do it anyway.
I don't really know how I get back to where I need to be, one day at a time I guess. I am thinking I need to pack my food the night before hand and have it ready. I also think I need to go back to not having any money, that way I can't go to the shop. Next is the hard part, how do I actually address my feelings. While all of this was going on I didn't notice it, it wasn't until after the event that I was able to look back and see that is how and why I was feeling and doing. So it seems to come back to being mindful and actually living in the moment. I did a Tai Chi class this week which I found really helped to clear my head and to allow me to find some clarity and space within my head. I am going to have to try some meditation/ yoga/ Tai Chi much more regularly I would like to build up to every day as I feel this would give me some space to actually feel what I need to and the clarity my mind seeks.
I am still struggling cos I am eating but I am acknowledging and I am trying to address and feel.
I have added some comparison pics from my 1st 6 weeks.
Monday, 5 March 2012
You 1st have to love yourself
This a statement I have heard so many times, if you want to lose weight you have to love yourself. Now for me as an overweight person, or fat chick as I often say the thought of loving myself was just horrible, I hated myself, I was fat, disgusting, lazy, useless, no good etc etc. These thought patterns were/are constant in my head and they are the words I use when talking about myself, so how can you love someone that is such a bad person, because that is what I thought I was.
What I realised today is that every one of those things I think about myself, the way I was defining myself, the things I was using to rate how much I loved myself are things I am/do not actually who I am. Loving myself is about who I am, my actual personality. The problem is that for such a long time I haven't use my personality to gauge my worth as a person, I am not really sure who or what my personality is.
Once I realised that to love myself is about my personality not about how I look, I was some what dumbfounded at the simplicity of it and yet this is something that has held me back for such a long time. me being fat doesn't not define who I am, the fact that I have empathy say so much more about me. Now while this statement may be simplistic, I am not so sure putting it into action will be quite so simple. So I am going to start with a list of the personality traits that I really like about myself.
What I realised today is that every one of those things I think about myself, the way I was defining myself, the things I was using to rate how much I loved myself are things I am/do not actually who I am. Loving myself is about who I am, my actual personality. The problem is that for such a long time I haven't use my personality to gauge my worth as a person, I am not really sure who or what my personality is.
Once I realised that to love myself is about my personality not about how I look, I was some what dumbfounded at the simplicity of it and yet this is something that has held me back for such a long time. me being fat doesn't not define who I am, the fact that I have empathy say so much more about me. Now while this statement may be simplistic, I am not so sure putting it into action will be quite so simple. So I am going to start with a list of the personality traits that I really like about myself.
Sunday, 4 March 2012
Weightloss is such a head game
Well it is now the start of the 3rd week with the transformation challenge I am doing at the gym. I do 2 sessions of heavy weights each week and then 2 classes, boot camp, a session run by the gym as part of the challenge and then a couple of walks. I am finding this generally fits in well with my life and I don't mind doing all of these things. Although I must admit, last Tuesday was a Tabata class, and I had nightmares about it and didn't sleep very well for about 2 hours before hand, and if I am honest I can't really say I am looking forward to it this week, but oh well lol.
So everything is going quite well, food is not to bad, I am doing 6 meals a day, protein and omega 3 at every meal, then bulk with veggies or salad or fruit at every meal. I am slowly getting my head around this and Simon has been great and made me some muffin things with flax and protein in them with no sugar. It is nice to be able to have a treat and know you are not undoing all your good work. I am only drinking decaf coffee and herbal tea, although I will have the occasional tea when out at friends. Water I am trying to keep to 3 ltrs a day, but this I really struggle with.
Exercise is going really well, I am now up to 210Kg on the leg press and 120 on a single leg press, I increase my weights every week and keep pushing myself. Arms are slowly improving but I find them a much bigger struggle than I do legs. I am finding that in my classes and also boot camp, I am able to push myself a little further each time and I am getting stronger at pushing thru, although I don't always manage as much as I want to. On Saturday we did the 1000 steps, something I haven't done for a few months now, and I ended up cutting about 20 mins off my time, even with adding the extra track to one tree hill at the top. So proud of that effort, although I still think I can push harder, my average heart rate was only 127ish. When I got to the top of the stairs one of the amazing girls who is also doing the challenge, Sandie, was waiting at the top for me, she was cheering me on and telling me to run, so I ran the last little bit. It meant to much to me to have her there cheering me on.
I am losing weight, in the 1st week I lost 2 kgs and was really happy with that. So I thought I would do a sneaky weigh in on the weekend and was so happy to have lost another 1.3 so I was 130.8, then this morning I am back up only having lost .6 this week. I can notice already the change in my body shape and the increase in definition and yet my head still struggles.
Losing weight is not an easy thing, and motivation doesn't last for very long, and there is always that horrible little voice, Mr Chatty in the back of your head telling you to give up and stop. It is so easy to fall down and not get back up, having to fight these things every days is often really hard and draining. I want there to be a big pay off, I want it to happen quickly, I want the reward. Simon said to me today but this is a for life thing, and I said that's fine, it wont matter when I am thin, I will be able to do it and not get frustrated as I am not doing it to lose weight then, not sure if that will be the case when I get there but that is how it works in my head. Again I am letting myself be defined by a number, I am struggling with the fact that I am being so consistent with my exercise and so good with my food and it is still not happening quickly.
So today is one of those days where I am feeling less that inspired and less than happy with where things are, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop what I am doing, I will keep working, I will keep my chin up. This is where the mind comes in, for me I have to really pull myself up and focus again on the improvements in my life and also my body, I have to actually remind myself of how far I have come, not how far I have to go. When I am doing my best and pushing myself then that is all that matters.
I am proud of the fact that I can now just let these emotions be there, know it is ok, I am frustrated, because this is something I really want, and I can just let it flow over me. I will not let it overtake me or derail me, I will not let these emotions have my power. I will keep on keeping on, pull those big girl pants up and push harder.
So everything is going quite well, food is not to bad, I am doing 6 meals a day, protein and omega 3 at every meal, then bulk with veggies or salad or fruit at every meal. I am slowly getting my head around this and Simon has been great and made me some muffin things with flax and protein in them with no sugar. It is nice to be able to have a treat and know you are not undoing all your good work. I am only drinking decaf coffee and herbal tea, although I will have the occasional tea when out at friends. Water I am trying to keep to 3 ltrs a day, but this I really struggle with.
Exercise is going really well, I am now up to 210Kg on the leg press and 120 on a single leg press, I increase my weights every week and keep pushing myself. Arms are slowly improving but I find them a much bigger struggle than I do legs. I am finding that in my classes and also boot camp, I am able to push myself a little further each time and I am getting stronger at pushing thru, although I don't always manage as much as I want to. On Saturday we did the 1000 steps, something I haven't done for a few months now, and I ended up cutting about 20 mins off my time, even with adding the extra track to one tree hill at the top. So proud of that effort, although I still think I can push harder, my average heart rate was only 127ish. When I got to the top of the stairs one of the amazing girls who is also doing the challenge, Sandie, was waiting at the top for me, she was cheering me on and telling me to run, so I ran the last little bit. It meant to much to me to have her there cheering me on.
I am losing weight, in the 1st week I lost 2 kgs and was really happy with that. So I thought I would do a sneaky weigh in on the weekend and was so happy to have lost another 1.3 so I was 130.8, then this morning I am back up only having lost .6 this week. I can notice already the change in my body shape and the increase in definition and yet my head still struggles.
Losing weight is not an easy thing, and motivation doesn't last for very long, and there is always that horrible little voice, Mr Chatty in the back of your head telling you to give up and stop. It is so easy to fall down and not get back up, having to fight these things every days is often really hard and draining. I want there to be a big pay off, I want it to happen quickly, I want the reward. Simon said to me today but this is a for life thing, and I said that's fine, it wont matter when I am thin, I will be able to do it and not get frustrated as I am not doing it to lose weight then, not sure if that will be the case when I get there but that is how it works in my head. Again I am letting myself be defined by a number, I am struggling with the fact that I am being so consistent with my exercise and so good with my food and it is still not happening quickly.
So today is one of those days where I am feeling less that inspired and less than happy with where things are, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop what I am doing, I will keep working, I will keep my chin up. This is where the mind comes in, for me I have to really pull myself up and focus again on the improvements in my life and also my body, I have to actually remind myself of how far I have come, not how far I have to go. When I am doing my best and pushing myself then that is all that matters.
I am proud of the fact that I can now just let these emotions be there, know it is ok, I am frustrated, because this is something I really want, and I can just let it flow over me. I will not let it overtake me or derail me, I will not let these emotions have my power. I will keep on keeping on, pull those big girl pants up and push harder.
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Pay it forward and I am not your step up in life..
These two topics have been on my mind of late. I think both are so very relevant to my journey at the moment.
Pay it forward is something I feel very strongly about. I know there are so many people who struggle with weight, and I think we beat ourselves up thinking we are the only ones who feel the way we do, when in fact there are so many other people who feel that way as well.
Through my journey so far there have been so many people who have been supportive of me and have helped to shape me and my journey, I only hope that I am able to give that support to another person. I have this need to support other people who are trudging this path of self discovery. This for me is so much more than just weight loss, for the weight loss to happen I have to have my mindset in the right space and I also have to have me as a priority, I have to value myself enough to put myself forward. I know for myself I have tried so many times to loose weight without involving those other factors, I worked on the if I just eat right, if I just moved more it would all happen and everything would be wonderful. Well it never worked and all that ended up happening is I felt worse about myself. I want to share the things I have learn, I want to pay it forward and help others to maybe not struggle as much as I have. I am not really sure how I will do this. Currently there is a facebook group that I am very active in, I started it at the start of the last round of 12WBT. I hope to be able to encourage and support the people in that group. I will have to think about how I pay it forward on a bigger level.
I really hope that everyone else feels that paying it forward is important, and I hope to see the changes in them and those they are supporting. It really is amazing to share of yourself without expecting anything and without reserve to support another person.
The other part of today's post is I am not your step up in life. As I continue to work through things and come to discover myself more and more I have begun to realise I will let people walk all over me, I will keep my mouth shut even when I think there is something that should be said. Previously I have done this as I have been to scared, worried that I might offend someone and that they might not like me. I am beginning to realise I don't have to be everyone steps, it is important for me to say how I am feeling, I would go as far as to say it is imperative for me to be true to me and voice my opinions. That doesn't mean I think everyone should think the same as me, and when I voice my opinions it should be done with honour and respect of the beliefs of those around me.
This is something I still struggle with, I am working on it and I will continue to work on it everyday. I do not need to be worried about what others think of me. If someone doesn't like me, that is their choice and lets be real about it I do not need them in my life, they can take their path and I can take mine, but they do not have the power to influence me or my journey in any way that I do not want them to.
Pay it forward is something I feel very strongly about. I know there are so many people who struggle with weight, and I think we beat ourselves up thinking we are the only ones who feel the way we do, when in fact there are so many other people who feel that way as well.
Through my journey so far there have been so many people who have been supportive of me and have helped to shape me and my journey, I only hope that I am able to give that support to another person. I have this need to support other people who are trudging this path of self discovery. This for me is so much more than just weight loss, for the weight loss to happen I have to have my mindset in the right space and I also have to have me as a priority, I have to value myself enough to put myself forward. I know for myself I have tried so many times to loose weight without involving those other factors, I worked on the if I just eat right, if I just moved more it would all happen and everything would be wonderful. Well it never worked and all that ended up happening is I felt worse about myself. I want to share the things I have learn, I want to pay it forward and help others to maybe not struggle as much as I have. I am not really sure how I will do this. Currently there is a facebook group that I am very active in, I started it at the start of the last round of 12WBT. I hope to be able to encourage and support the people in that group. I will have to think about how I pay it forward on a bigger level.
I really hope that everyone else feels that paying it forward is important, and I hope to see the changes in them and those they are supporting. It really is amazing to share of yourself without expecting anything and without reserve to support another person.
The other part of today's post is I am not your step up in life. As I continue to work through things and come to discover myself more and more I have begun to realise I will let people walk all over me, I will keep my mouth shut even when I think there is something that should be said. Previously I have done this as I have been to scared, worried that I might offend someone and that they might not like me. I am beginning to realise I don't have to be everyone steps, it is important for me to say how I am feeling, I would go as far as to say it is imperative for me to be true to me and voice my opinions. That doesn't mean I think everyone should think the same as me, and when I voice my opinions it should be done with honour and respect of the beliefs of those around me.
This is something I still struggle with, I am working on it and I will continue to work on it everyday. I do not need to be worried about what others think of me. If someone doesn't like me, that is their choice and lets be real about it I do not need them in my life, they can take their path and I can take mine, but they do not have the power to influence me or my journey in any way that I do not want them to.
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
What do I want to be when I grow up??
I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I have worked in the disability field for about 16 odd years and have a University degree in said field. I have also done a professional photography course. I have also started to do a naturapath course, but didn't get very far with it.
I don't want to go back to disability, it was a field I went into because I really didn't know what else to do. Disability is/was my mum's passion, and when I was younger I worked in the field to help her out when she had surgery and then once I moved out of home that was the only job I have ever had so I just stayed there. I don't really enjoy the field, I feel over taken emotionally by it and I struggle with the concept of having to fight the system at every step to get the best possible outcome you can for another person, when you know that still wont be enough.
The only thing I ever really wanted to do was photography, but I never really did. I did do a course when I first left high school and then after that I just stopped taking photos. I never really had any idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, I still struggle with that concept. I have started with photography again and I have done a little bit. I worry that maybe my skills aren't good enough anymore because I haven't been practising and I seem to be so far behind the pack, and to be honest people really don't seem interested in getting photos done with me. So I am not sure if that is as a result of my photos not being as good as they could be, or because I haven't really put myself out there enough.
The only other area that has sparked a small amount of interest is something like counselling or maybe a life coach, I would love to be able to help others work thru the stuff I am working thru now.
It concerns me that I am not sure what I want to do, I will have to go back to work at the latest when Jhett starts school, but maybe before then, particularly if we want to get a head financially. So do I need to go do some study, do I need to just practise more with the photography and put myself out there more. What I really wanted to do was black and white photos that were hand coloured, that would be such a niche market, I don't even know that there is any point.
So I sit here feeling very directionless. There is a part of me that is starting to thing, as I write this post that maybe just maybe what I need to do is start taking photos every day and go back to practising my skills, become friends with my camera and then put together some advertising packages and give them out to local school etc etc. Maybe I don't feel the passion as I am to scared to really give into it in case I fail.
Fuck it, I want to be a photographer. I will be friends with my camera every day. I will take part in the photography comps that I know of. I will post on my business page on facebook everyday.
I don't want to go back to disability, it was a field I went into because I really didn't know what else to do. Disability is/was my mum's passion, and when I was younger I worked in the field to help her out when she had surgery and then once I moved out of home that was the only job I have ever had so I just stayed there. I don't really enjoy the field, I feel over taken emotionally by it and I struggle with the concept of having to fight the system at every step to get the best possible outcome you can for another person, when you know that still wont be enough.
The only thing I ever really wanted to do was photography, but I never really did. I did do a course when I first left high school and then after that I just stopped taking photos. I never really had any idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, I still struggle with that concept. I have started with photography again and I have done a little bit. I worry that maybe my skills aren't good enough anymore because I haven't been practising and I seem to be so far behind the pack, and to be honest people really don't seem interested in getting photos done with me. So I am not sure if that is as a result of my photos not being as good as they could be, or because I haven't really put myself out there enough.
The only other area that has sparked a small amount of interest is something like counselling or maybe a life coach, I would love to be able to help others work thru the stuff I am working thru now.
It concerns me that I am not sure what I want to do, I will have to go back to work at the latest when Jhett starts school, but maybe before then, particularly if we want to get a head financially. So do I need to go do some study, do I need to just practise more with the photography and put myself out there more. What I really wanted to do was black and white photos that were hand coloured, that would be such a niche market, I don't even know that there is any point.
So I sit here feeling very directionless. There is a part of me that is starting to thing, as I write this post that maybe just maybe what I need to do is start taking photos every day and go back to practising my skills, become friends with my camera and then put together some advertising packages and give them out to local school etc etc. Maybe I don't feel the passion as I am to scared to really give into it in case I fail.
Fuck it, I want to be a photographer. I will be friends with my camera every day. I will take part in the photography comps that I know of. I will post on my business page on facebook everyday.
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