hiding is easy, living it is rewarding

I have been meaning to write this blog post for a few weeks now, but it is so much easier to hide, only thing is I am sick of hiding. I dont want to settle for second best any more.

I have been struggling with food, seems like a common theme, well it really is, as I am not honest with myself. I continualy tell myself that my eating is not that bad, and that I have been following a healthy eating plan and to be honest its has been a load of bullshit. I eat crap, most days and often to much of it, and just becuase I pretend I am not eating it, even convince myself I am not eating it doesn't mean my body isn't registering it.

So why? What is stopping me? Well there seems to be 2 things at the moment, this fear of not being able to do it, and feeing like I dont have a safety and that I dont have a support behind me. I dont feel like I am important enough for others to care, I mean really care about my journey, but I also do  not care enough about me to back myself in. Well you know what I do have a support system and it is amazing, and I can back myself it. It is going to take a while for my head to catch up and so I will have to tell it and remind it everyday.

Second factor for me is that I can never make myself as perfect as I want me to be, I hold myself to a standard that I would never expect of anyone else, so I do nothing as it is easier to stay here within the parameters that I know rather than fail yet again. I am letting go of this belief, it not longer matters, the importance is in the achieving, the journey and the process.

I feel so stuck at times, i honestly want to lose weight but I feel unable to push forward and take that leap.

So I am going to push myself and move it forward so here is what I will do;

1. Organise each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch
2. Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am
3. Develop a goal and reward system
4. Be proud of my achievements for the week
5. Water Water and more water.

Weight loss to me seems like the holy grail, and it is the thing I constantly talk about and want to achieve, but I continue to want someone else to do their "magic" for me and make it all better and I continue to believe that I am being deprived in life. I continue to allow food to become more than a fuel in my life. I am sad that I have let almost a year slip by with very little downward progress. I feel trapped by the weight of indecision and lies that I continue to invest time in. Today I take back that power and I know that this choice is mine, my heart is beating and I have a lump in my throat and I am close to tears. Tonight I am mourning the loss of the space that has been my friend, it has served it's purpose and I am embracing my new space and the challenges that come with that space. 

The pain of needing acceptance

Last night it was very clearly bought home to me how much I still crave acceptance. I am always so concerned that what I am doing may cause someone else to feel uncomfortable or not like me and there are times that fear will actually stop me from doing something I want to do for me. As a result I also have difficult asking for or accepting help, and saying no to different things.

I really want to be able to say NO, to ask for help and to feel ok to just be me in my skin. This was touched on at the Emazon session and I am really looking forward to getting the mind CD so I can work thru this block. I know this is holding me back so much and I know this lack of acceptance of myself is what is at the root of my difficult with losing weight. I have previously talked about needed to start listing my qualities/talents/ the things that make me me, I have never actually done it but I think this is something I need to start doing. There has to be a way to move to acceptance of myself.

I had an experience that left me in tears in public last night, i felt so insignificant and also disrespected that I just wanted to run away and hide. I had gone to a pub/club thing with an amazing friend. When we arrived we got chatting to a lady there and went to walk into the location with her, she had previously been inside. So this lady walks, in my friend walks in, I say"hey do we need to go that side", Bec says "Nah lets go", so I follow her, no more than a rulers length apart. Security stop me and make me go to the back of the line on the other side, all I can think is I got sent to the back of the line as I was fat. They let Bec walk in, they saw we were together and yet they stopped me. Stuff like this shouldn't bother me, but it really really did.

I currently have a few balls that I am trying to juggle and life is rather stressful at the moment, so I have taken a step back from some of the facebook groups I am part of. I am feeling the need to protect and shelter myself, but also to take some time to re-energies my batteries. I am taking comments very personally and I am sure that is not how they are meant.

In saying all of that I need to look at why I am letting others views bother me so much, it really shouldn't matter but I am still striving to be good enough and accepted and so when something doesn't work out that I have planned, I feel like such a failure and that it is all my fault.

I am not sure how I want to finish this post, I know its not there is still more I want to say, so I will come back to this there will be a part 2.

And the circle continues

Again I am stuck, I have put on some weight and I feel like I am stagnating in the same spot. I feel like my head is starting to come together and then it falls apart. So back on to the roller coaster of trying to get this weight loss journey to become consistent.

After really searching and thinking I am starting to see that it is so easy to lie to myself, as a result, often I am not eating well and I don't even acknowledge it. How it tends to work for me is that I eat my 6 meals and they are healthy meals that follow the guidelines I am using but it is the bits in between. The times I eat things like choc, cake, chips and lollies, these things I don't seem to count or remember so I will look back on my week and feel frustrated and disheartened because I have not lost weight or have put it on when I am saying I have had a clean week. To address this I need to plan my meals, I am going to start menu planning again and then packing these meals the night before. If it is packed and ready to go it is so much easier. I need to eat away from distraction, now I sit on the couch and either watch TV or Facebook, sometimes both. I need to turn off the TV, for noise I can use the radio.

I have previously talked about the fact that I have struggled with staying focused on my goals and that I felt I needed to break them down into weekly goals to keep me focused. So I have developed a daily tracking sheet, I am going to print this up A3 size and laminate it and put magnets on the back. Here is my first one, I am sure this will change over time. This will enable me to have a concrete plan for each day and a constant reminder of what I am doing and Why.

It really is hard to struggle everyday and feel like you are not going anywhere. Sometimes you really have to stop and look at where you came from to notice the differences. In saying that you really need to stop focusing on the future or the past and live in the now. What can I do now, what do I want to do now, what will make me smile, what will give my family and myself some wonderful memories. To an extent I still sit around and wait for life to catch me, although I am getting better on this front.

Recently I have let outside things get in the way, I have let food and exercise fall to the side, I have not given them the priority in my life that they should have. Life does get in the way at times, but I think we have to choose do we let life derail us or do we change things around and do what we can. I let life derail me, life will always be there and things will always come up, so if every time something pops up I get derailed I am always going to be going back and fort between those few kilos.

Weight loss needs to be my priority, so much of my life and also my families life has been put on hold or changed because of my weight loss journey and yet I don't make it a priority, I say that I am but really I am just blowing steam, its a load of crap. So pull me up, challenge me next time you talk to me. The next 12 months are about this weight loss journey and the direction my life is starting to take.

Emazon the start of the begining of the real me

On Sunday I went to an emazon session. I had no idea what to expect but I went in with an open head and heart. Since my last weigh in I have tried so hard to stay on track and I have managed about 75% but it has been bloody hard work. I think that I struggle with the hard work that is involved and the crap that goes on in my head along with all that hard work. Since Sunday it hasent been so hard.

So Emazon was amazing, I walked out with a feeling of calmness, strength and focus that I have never had before. I walked in feeling such self-doubt, self-loathing for the things I perceived as my inadequacies and I huge fear/hatred of food. When food is such a source of anger and frustration is makes it very hard on a daily basis to eat and not rebel. Once I had finished the session food was just that food, it doesn't have any power over me and I can eat what ever I want to, but it comes down to if that food is supporting me or not and if I choose to value that food for what it is, and that if fuel for my body. Food is not an event, not a crutch, not a boredom killer, it is just fuel nothing more nothing less. I haven't been 100% with food since Sunday but when I have eaten something that is not fuel I haven't let it consume my thinking and send me into a negative spiral, its just food, I made a choice, its done lets move on.

I found my inner inner strength, my determination and my desire to do this for me. I feel for the first time that I am coming in from the dark, that I am beginning to hear me, it is quite and soft but it is there.

Emazon said within the next 6-8 weeks we would all face a challenge, well mine decided to come on Monday night. Those of you who have been following me for a while might know that I have had massive car issues for over 12 months, so we got a new 2nd hand car. Well this car broke down, on the way to my daughters school band concert, so we walked, then walked back to the car and it still wouldn't start. Normally this would send me into a tail spin, the world hates me, I must be a bad person, nothing every goes right etc etc and of course I would eat and eat and eat. This would go on for days and particularly in a situation like we are in now when the car is still in the location it broke down and we don't have the money to fix it. This time I said to myself it is a car, nothing more nothing less, it broke down, big deal. I can use public transport and I can use this opportunity to fix any issues the car may have so this doesn't happen again. I was amazed at how I have managed to stay calm and I feel strong, I feel like I have controlled the situation, like I am living my life rather than being controlled by it.

I am practicing the technique Emazon taught us, to be able to draw ourselves back into the moment with ourselves, rather than the auto-pilot with the negative self-talk that tend to dominate our lives. It is amazing how different things feel when you are actually experiencing them. Mind you I have discovered my balance is not good enough to be able to do lunges with my eyes closed lol.

I have also started a new supplement regime which I am excited about. I started today, and already I am noticing the increased level of energy and the decrease in bloating. This is such an opportunity for me and something that come about as I was brave enough to just say yes. I added a facebook page recently that was about saying yes to things and experiencing all that life has to offer. Whats so exciting about saying yes is the doors that are opened to you once you start to trust yourself and your abilities and stop fearing the change and opportunity.

Lets get Honest

Well today  i had my 12 week weigh in for my gym challenge. I knew that I had not done overly well in these last six weeks, but to find out that of the 6 kgs of fat I had lost at the 6 week mark, I have put it all on bar 200grams is devastating. I am so disappointed, frustrated and angry at myself. I want to cry, i just don't want to do it in front of anyone, so maybe in the shower.

So what now......... lets start with some honesty.

My food is wrong, I have been eating crap and there have been days where I have binged. I have not been accountable for what has gone in my mouth. So to start with Simon has all the money and my ATM card again, so I can't buy crap. I need to pack my daily food every night, I know organisation is one of my big keys. I also have to find ways to get around my sweet tooth. There are some options for snack options maybe with protein powder, I think I will start to look into those. Portion sizes I think are to big. I hate writing everything down so I have decided I will take a picture of everything I eat and drink, I will be posting this on facebook in a private folder so I don't annoy the crap out of everyone, if you feel like following my progress let me know and I will add you to the folder.

Next thing is enough with the excuses, saying I am lazy, I don't like cooking, I don't focus enough on my goals are all things I do to stop myself from having to actually do the hard work involved. There are ways to work around each and every one of these things I just have to do it.

My head is holding me back at the moment to a huge extend. I have booked in to attend an Emazon session which I am really looking forward to. I need to continue to live in the moment, the moment that is my life and the day to day things that come along with that.

I feel like crap, and I want to eat crap I want to stop focusing on the fact that I fucked things up again, that I had a chance to lose weight and I stopped it. I wont eat crap, I will feel like crap. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to focus on the things I did well.

So time to pull those big girl pants up start with some honest and mindfulness and try again, things will be different and I will succeed. Next weigh in is in 6 weeks time.

Just Me

Today I have managed to not binge, or include foods that don't support my goals. Before I went to sleep last night I had a talk with myself, sounds silly doesn't it. It works for me, it is about treating myself like I would treat any other person. I told myself it was OK to crave food, it doesn't make me a bad person and that just because I was craving something didn't mean I had to go and have it. I am worth taking some time/ worth the effort to be prepared and make food.

I have struggled with some second guessing and also some negative talk due to an incident tonight. I took on board someone else negative emotions and let that make me feel like I had done something wrong. I am very passionate about paying this journey forward and there will/are times when I will meet people who have their own agenda which makes having a relationship where we support each other and develop a mutual respect impossible. That doesn't make either of us wrong, it just means we are not right for each other. (Sounds like I am talking about finding a life long partner lol)

I am a good person, with lots of amazing qualities, strengths and personality traits. My best is good enough and all I can do is be open and honest and live to my values and morals. No person has the power to make me feel negatively about myself. I am good enough, I am strong enough and I am worth it.

Is the struggle worth the journey.

After my last post, an amazing friend who I have know for a long time called me, there was a level of concern that things were seeming quite negative. I feel like while much of this journey and the bits that end up here on my blog often highlight the negative, I am ok with that I feel like it is the struggle I need to go thru to make the end point the best possible version of me. I don't ever want to go back to being overweight, actually I don't want to go backwards at any point, but for me that means I need to address some of the reason why I am over weight. While this journey is difficult and at times emotionally challenging I am proud of the fact that I am able to move forward and continue on this path of physical, emotional and spiritual self-discovery.

I am still struggling a little, more because I am letting myself. It is so much easier to sit here and do nothing rather than force myself to get out there and do things. I have spent many days trying to work out what was holding me back, because there must be something holding me back, right? I mean seriously I wouldn't be eating crap if there wasn't something going on in my head. I had been going back and forward and struggling and nothing was coming up that was new. Tuesday I was on the way to the dentist, big shout out to another amazing lady I have met on this journey, thank you so much, and it hit me there is nothing holding me back, there is no deep seeded emotional issue,(that is new lol) I just need to choose to eat healthy and live this life. I need to be prepared to say no to myself and to be strong.

Today I was reading an article about Compulsive overeating and it rang true with me, I am a compulsive over eater, there are days where I wake up thinking about food and ways I can get the food I want, I want it for the texture, the taste, the convenience and just because. I think about food all day often. This ties in to being lazy and not having a full life, it gives me time to think about food. I think it was in this article, that it said something along the lines of you will never fill the hole in your soul with food. That is what I have been trying to do. Here is the link to the article http://curlyhairedchica.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/the-other-eating-disorder-compulsive-overeating/ A few years ago I went to a Overeaters Anonymous meeting, the food equivalent of AA. This is something I may look into more, but I thought I would list the 12 steps on here.

1. We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Permission to use the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous for adaptation granted by AA World Services, Inc.

The other thing I have realised today is that I am some what unfocused on this weight loss journey. I have some goals but I feel like they are not concrete for me, so over the weekend I want to review these goals and plan out how I am going to reach them. Add information to the calender, my phone and my diary. Hopefully having these things planned out and in front of me will help me to focus on a regular basis and support me in my quest to not be controlled by food.

This last week I have been sick, ever since I moved to Melbourne, 12 odd years ago I get a cold/cough thing, which basically is just this persistent cough where I keep myself up and can make myself vomit. I hate it, drives me batty and will last from a day or 2 up to the longest I have had it for is 10 odd weeks, when it is really bad I loose my voice and can't breath properly. I haven't trained this week because I didn't want to make it worse, it seems to be something I get when I am run down. Although I didn't really feel like I was run down, maybe it was all the crap food. Its not getting any better and now I am stuck, so I think I am going to leave it for the weekend and try and rest as much as I can and then back into things on Monday.