Broken

Well it has been a few weeks of the same old shit, I say I want to do it, and I still eat crap. I am struggling and I mean really struggling. In the last week I have had a back injury and also had another tooth out. My body feels like it is not mine and that I am not connected to it.

There is always some reason why I wont start today and currently it is Christmas, but honestly it could be anything.

Food is my big problem and I struggle with what to do to control that.
calorie counting

• I don't like numbers and they scare me, so it makes me anxious
•  It doesn't seem to bother me if I go over
• I never really know what level I should sit on
• To do it properly I would have to weigh stuff etc etc and that seems like hard work to me

Paleo/Clean eating

• Coming up with ideas
• portion size

In general

• what to eat and when to eat
• portion size
• variety

I am so full of excuses, and yet I just don't seem to be able to push past them. I don't understand why it is so hard to get something you actually say you want.

feeling lost and vulnerable, I am not overly sure how to start or how to get out of my funk.

One of the girls posted this on facebook and I really liked it there are so many things that move me, this is just one of them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja9BFx5Mhqo.

I am still trying and I am still looking, I will get there.

failure bites

very much feeling like a failure today.

I am scared

I am no longer going to be living the negative, I am going to focus on the positive, but I need to have this out.

I am so scared of not being able to do this, I am so scared that it wont work and I will have to accept something I don't want to. I am scared of disappointing people, I am scared of getting sick.

I am scared of what my life would be like if I lost weight, I don't know a life without a shield to hide behind, I feel vulnerable, and small.

Getting myself sorted

So I talked about putting everything together that I have said I should do, so here it is:

• Organize each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch
• Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am
• Develop a goal and reward system
• Be proud of my achievements for the week
• Water Water and more water.
• Review what I am thankful for in the day/ Gratitude diary.
• Daily Mantra

I was so sure there was so much more, so in all honest I have just been living my excuses, I haven't even been looking for ways to overcome them.

So I am going to try and focus on these things, and take it one step at a time. I have done a shop and I even ate a lunch, that meets all my requirements.

When your butt doesn't fit

I started today with boot camp and boxing, and I had attitude, princess attitude lol. I was so frustrated with myself as it is so obvious to me how much fitness I have lost recently, I am annoyed that I have allowed myself to sink back into the pit of unhealthy-ness I find myself in once again.

This afternoon it was Alexy's first dance concert, they performed on Thursday night as well, I didn't watch Thursday, rather I helped out the back. Today I was all excited to see her perform, and I sit down in the seat and bugger my butt doesn't fit, that may not be quite what I thought lol. Again that feeling of disgust, failure dread and the tears where there ready to go.

Somewhere this afternoon I decided that I will not be beaten and I am only human, I will slip up, oh well so what pick up lets go and move on. I will not allow myself to be consumed and stopped by the negative, it is now on my list of reasons I want to be healthy, I will use it to motivate me so I don't have to feel this again.

Tomorrow morning I have the last fitness test for the challenge with Matt Silk, I am aware that this is not going to be pretty, I have allowed  my excuses to take control lately and have not achieved any of the things I set out to at the start of this 12 weeks. So tomorrow is the bench mark for me to get healthy from, it will not be a negative for me, I can choose to wallow in the fact that I have not used my time to achieve what I want, or I can use the time coming up to achieve what I want. Seems rather straight forward when you think of it that way.

5 days.....then it falls apart

I would hate to be my life coach, I don't do any of the things I say I will, I don't do anything of the things I think I need to do to help me move on from being controlled by food and my eating habits.

I did so well for 5 days and then crapola, there doesn't seem to be any real reason, other than organization and planning. The days are different and more things happen and I find it harder to be on top of it all. Since it has gone to crap I have made no effort to bring it back into line. Then the bulk of the family caught Gastro. I seemed to get a bad run, and for about 4 or 5 days I didn't eat much, other than bread, then last night another gall stone attack, that's two in about two weeks.I haven't had an attack for such a long time, and this one stopped me from going to bootcamp. My body is all over the place, it doesn't know if it is Arthur or Martha.

I have done this to myself,  I have used enough excuses to sink a battle ship, even my excuses have excuses. I have hidden, I have run away and most of all I have made my body unhealthy. Matt Silk posted on Facebook this morning, and it really struck a cord with me and made me acknowledge some stuff.

 "cut the BS & excuses ... Just do it!!!"

After last night, I have changed my focus to health and supporting my body. Weight loss can no longer be my focus, it doesn't make me look after my body, often it makes me fight against and punish my body. It is never about feeling better, it is always about going further, lifting more and getting smaller. Feels like I have missed the point.

So given how bad I am at following my own advice, I have decided to go back thru all my posts and write it all in one spot. See where that goes, and what I need to do, but there is not more BS and excuses, now it is just about being healthy. 

Reality and feeling the funk

I feel like I need to apologies, I have been playing a huge game of back and forth, of saying I am going to do this, of saying I am committed and then running away and doing the exact opposite. At the time I didn't even realize this was what I was doing. I demanded a certain level from myself and I haven't been able to give that and so I have hidden from everyone including myself.
Perfection can never be achieved when you are expecting a godlike performance.

As part of my life coach training I have been doing NLP, and as part of that we explored limited beliefs. What this identified for me was a very in-ground feeling of worthlessness, not being good enough and a failure. When I started to go back and look over things I began to see that because I had this belief about myself I actually did things to make sure I was a failure, and there was no need for me to try at anything as I was a failure, so I would never achieve anyway. This thought process had dictated so much of my life and what I had done.

This training has given me a chance to review so much about myself and to address some things that were really holding me back. I have taken steps to address these issues and on the whole I actually feel rather ok emotionally.

So if I have dealt with that stuff what is going on now........

To be honest fucked if I know.

I am struggling with Jhett not sleeping and that has made my exercise routine take a flying leap. I have also found that lately my body is really suffering, and I have lots of aches and pains.

What I am trying to do is not run away and hide, to be open honest and put it out there, and to be honest I am not feeling motivated at all.

I am continuing to work on my head stuff, I have my goal up and visible, I have my daily mantra and I am working on being mindful. I have set myself a challenge to start doing some hula hooping, lol. I have wanted to for awhile, but always put it off. Also it is meant to be very good for helping to loosen up back muscles, so that can only be a good thing.

I am working at getting back involved, sharing this journey is what is important to me, I find it to be so motivation, inspiring and also fulfilling, so this is the start of me getting back under way.

Currently I have a food plan to follow, I haven't been following it. There is a part of me that feels I need to do my own stuff, and a part of me that doesn't trust myself to do my own stuff. Space is something that is lacking in my brain at times, and I have made the decision to continue to follow this program thru to the end, so I dont have to think and so I can say I finished something.

I have gained back about 14kgs and I struggle with that, I feel very defined by my weight and also my lack of success. I have allowed it to have power over me as I have tried to hide from it and ignore the fact that this is my reality. I have used excuses and backed out of doing things I would normally do. Its time to put my foot down this is my reality and my funk is well and truly happening, but it will not stop me. I will beat it.

I struggle with this journey as I feel like there is no path that works for me and that the stairs are miles apart and I can't take a step that is that big. I struggle to trust that it is ok to make a mistake, that it is ok to not know and that it is ok to just be in the right here and right now.

There is not a lot of answers here, I am muddled, and somewhat frustrated and also feeling a little pushed aside by people I thought actually had my back. Now these are my issues, my interpretation of the events, so I will allow the wallowing tonight but it will be gone in the morning.

There will be answers and direction in the morning.