on the start to the way up

OK so lets get something happening. I will post daily from now on. So I have some guidelines that I am going to work on, these are not always food related, but are about getting my life on track.

Mon, Wed and Friday
-Non spending days

everyday
1 hr physical activity with the kids
food planned the day before
2 ltrs water
10 mins of meditation every day.

An amazing friend of mine sent me a message after my earlier blog and she asked me about what has worked previously and what hasn't and what I am prepared to do so here is my lists.

things that have worked
6 meals
protein
no fat
organized in advance

haven't worked
calorie counting
restrictive
same things all the time

what am I willing to do
be organized 24 hrs in advance
daily exercise of some sort
cappuccino, only when with another person
treat once per week

Ok so tomorrow
I will take Jhett for a walk to the park in the afternoon

Food
breakfast scrambled eggs with avocado and 1 toast
snack strawberries
lunch salad with tune
snack apricot protein ball with rice cake with cottage cheese pesto and tomato
tea hamburgers with salad
snack berries with yoghurt

I will be taking pics of my food on instragram so please follow if you want to see what I am doing

I have downloaded a head space app which is a meditation app, I will do day 1.

Now because I need to change my focus.

I am grateful for

• my family
• amazing friends
• my strength to try again.

What I like/ or am proud of, about me

• My desire to strive for better
• My eyes

Broken

Well it has been a few weeks of the same old shit, I say I want to do it, and I still eat crap. I am struggling and I mean really struggling. In the last week I have had a back injury and also had another tooth out. My body feels like it is not mine and that I am not connected to it.

There is always some reason why I wont start today and currently it is Christmas, but honestly it could be anything.

Food is my big problem and I struggle with what to do to control that.
calorie counting

• I don't like numbers and they scare me, so it makes me anxious
•  It doesn't seem to bother me if I go over
• I never really know what level I should sit on
• To do it properly I would have to weigh stuff etc etc and that seems like hard work to me

Paleo/Clean eating

• Coming up with ideas
• portion size

In general

• what to eat and when to eat
• portion size
• variety

I am so full of excuses, and yet I just don't seem to be able to push past them. I don't understand why it is so hard to get something you actually say you want.

feeling lost and vulnerable, I am not overly sure how to start or how to get out of my funk.

One of the girls posted this on facebook and I really liked it there are so many things that move me, this is just one of them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja9BFx5Mhqo.

I am still trying and I am still looking, I will get there.

failure bites

very much feeling like a failure today.

I am scared

I am no longer going to be living the negative, I am going to focus on the positive, but I need to have this out.

I am so scared of not being able to do this, I am so scared that it wont work and I will have to accept something I don't want to. I am scared of disappointing people, I am scared of getting sick.

I am scared of what my life would be like if I lost weight, I don't know a life without a shield to hide behind, I feel vulnerable, and small.

Getting myself sorted

So I talked about putting everything together that I have said I should do, so here it is:

• Organize each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch
• Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am
• Develop a goal and reward system
• Be proud of my achievements for the week
• Water Water and more water.
• Review what I am thankful for in the day/ Gratitude diary.
• Daily Mantra

I was so sure there was so much more, so in all honest I have just been living my excuses, I haven't even been looking for ways to overcome them.

So I am going to try and focus on these things, and take it one step at a time. I have done a shop and I even ate a lunch, that meets all my requirements.

When your butt doesn't fit

I started today with boot camp and boxing, and I had attitude, princess attitude lol. I was so frustrated with myself as it is so obvious to me how much fitness I have lost recently, I am annoyed that I have allowed myself to sink back into the pit of unhealthy-ness I find myself in once again.

This afternoon it was Alexy's first dance concert, they performed on Thursday night as well, I didn't watch Thursday, rather I helped out the back. Today I was all excited to see her perform, and I sit down in the seat and bugger my butt doesn't fit, that may not be quite what I thought lol. Again that feeling of disgust, failure dread and the tears where there ready to go.

Somewhere this afternoon I decided that I will not be beaten and I am only human, I will slip up, oh well so what pick up lets go and move on. I will not allow myself to be consumed and stopped by the negative, it is now on my list of reasons I want to be healthy, I will use it to motivate me so I don't have to feel this again.

Tomorrow morning I have the last fitness test for the challenge with Matt Silk, I am aware that this is not going to be pretty, I have allowed  my excuses to take control lately and have not achieved any of the things I set out to at the start of this 12 weeks. So tomorrow is the bench mark for me to get healthy from, it will not be a negative for me, I can choose to wallow in the fact that I have not used my time to achieve what I want, or I can use the time coming up to achieve what I want. Seems rather straight forward when you think of it that way.

5 days.....then it falls apart

I would hate to be my life coach, I don't do any of the things I say I will, I don't do anything of the things I think I need to do to help me move on from being controlled by food and my eating habits.

I did so well for 5 days and then crapola, there doesn't seem to be any real reason, other than organization and planning. The days are different and more things happen and I find it harder to be on top of it all. Since it has gone to crap I have made no effort to bring it back into line. Then the bulk of the family caught Gastro. I seemed to get a bad run, and for about 4 or 5 days I didn't eat much, other than bread, then last night another gall stone attack, that's two in about two weeks.I haven't had an attack for such a long time, and this one stopped me from going to bootcamp. My body is all over the place, it doesn't know if it is Arthur or Martha.

I have done this to myself,  I have used enough excuses to sink a battle ship, even my excuses have excuses. I have hidden, I have run away and most of all I have made my body unhealthy. Matt Silk posted on Facebook this morning, and it really struck a cord with me and made me acknowledge some stuff.

 "cut the BS & excuses ... Just do it!!!"

After last night, I have changed my focus to health and supporting my body. Weight loss can no longer be my focus, it doesn't make me look after my body, often it makes me fight against and punish my body. It is never about feeling better, it is always about going further, lifting more and getting smaller. Feels like I have missed the point.

So given how bad I am at following my own advice, I have decided to go back thru all my posts and write it all in one spot. See where that goes, and what I need to do, but there is not more BS and excuses, now it is just about being healthy.