Well I haven't had batteries in my scales for a week or so, and today I jumped on, I am over 157kgs, the biggest I have ever been. I have put on over 25 kgs in under 12 months, rather mean feat for someone who is trying to lose weight.
I am so bloody confused and starting to wonder what is wrong with me, or is it time to actually say I can't do this weight loss just doesn't work for me, and I need help, my BMI is 45.9, I am almost double my healthy weight range. What am I doing wrong, seriously, I mean I know that I haven't been fantastic with food, but honestly at least half of the last 12 months I have been actively trying to lose weight.
I am doubting and second guessing everything and I have no idea what to do next as seriously nothing is working. I think I am done, I hate working so hard and going further than backwards, I am the heaviest I have ever been and I have never worked so hard to try and loose weight. I hate exercise, I hate food, I hate clothes. How do you fail so dramatically at something you want so much
Tuesday, 12 February 2013
Saturday, 9 February 2013
100 things I am grateful to my body for
1. That its my body, each and every day it teaches me something
2. My hair it is very thick
3. my eyes, I love their shape and the fact they let me see amazing things and the people I love
4. My ears, so I can hear the sounds I love, and so I can punch holes in them.
5. My nose, it is the same shape as my Grandfathers, and I love that it is something that reminds me of my family.
6. My arms, they allow me to hold those dear to me, to protect to shield and also to do things like drive and write.
7. My hands, to be able to feel, and touch.
8. My fingers, so I can count, as my brain cant do it lol.
9. My nails, I love them when they are long and pained, makes me feel feminine.
10. My mouth, it allows me to kiss those people I love.
11. My tongue, it helps me to talk, and taste
12. My heart, it beats every day keeping me alive, and it fills to bursting point every time one of my kids smile say I love you mum, cuddle up to me.
13. My insides, they still work lol, after all the crap I have pumped in there its still slugging away, admittedly slowly but its still happening.
14. My womb, for growing 4 amazing human beings.
15. My legs for allowing me to walk, to travel
16. My ankles, my one body part I think of as thin.
17. My feet, for keeping me from sending myself broke with my shoe obsession lol.
18. My skin, for keeping it all together
19. My muscles for making it possible for me to exercise
20. My freckles, for making me less pale.
21. My knees for giving me some shape to my legs
22. My wrists, for a space to tattoo my loved ones name
23. My lips, so I can smile
24. My teeth for making sure many dentists are kept in a job
25. My butt for giving me a nice soft place to sit.
26. My brain for allowing me to think
27. My personality (its housed it my body so I am counting it lol) for being me.
28. My brain for the ability to learn new things every day
29. My nerves for relaying all this information my body receives back to my brain
30. My brain for processing information
31. My palms for allowing me to grip, and hold my fingers in place
32. My toes for being able to feel the sand between them
33. My fists so I can punch in a thump class
34. My kidneys for processing the toxins in my body
35. My vocal cords, for my voice
36. My nostrils, for allowing me to smell
37. My tear ducts so I can cry
38. My memory for every thing I hold dear
39. My soul for my values and respect
40. my neck for keeping my head in place
41. my head for holding my face in place
42.My ribs, for holding my heart
43. My finger prints, for being unique
44. My DNA for making me me, the combination of my parents
45. my elbows, for allowing my arms to bend
46. My spine, for keeping my upright
47. My gall bladder for reminding me that I should treat me body well
48. My body for for being a light colour, saves me on waxing
49. My Boobs, for being big enough that clothing hangs of them not my muffin top
50. My hips for being big enough to accommodate my babies
51. My eye brows for being a ncie shape, no waxing available
52. my eye lashes for being long enough that they are there
53. My Skeleton for giving my body structure
54. My lungs for breathing
55. My lungs for breathing
56. my veins for allowing my blood to flow through me
57. My knuckles for allowing my fingers to bend so I can play the piano
58. my eye lids for giving me darkness
59. the soles of my feet for connecting me to the ground
60. My ego for protecting me
61. My throat for swallowing food
62. My shoulders for carrying the weight
63. The primal part of my brain that makes me breath without me having to think about it.
64. My brain for giving me common sense
65. my brain for processing the information the world gives me
66. My heart for bumping my blood around my body
67. My eyes for giving the world focus
68. My limbs for still working no matter how much I have neglected them
69. My toe nails for being so thick it reminds me why I need to loose wight every time I have to cut them
70. My chin, for giving my face structure
71. My snot for keeping little things out of my airways
72. my saliva for helping me to process food
73. My spin for teaching me to listen to my body
74. My hair for not falling out even though I colour it to within an inch of its life
75. My cheeks for helping me to blow raspberries on my kids bellies
76. my birth mark for being mine
77. My optic nerve for carrying information
78. My taste buds for trying to change
79. My toes for keeping me balanced
80. My thumbs for making me different to a monkey
81. My brains ability to keep coming back for me
82. My brains ability to learn
83. My brains ability to read
84. My thighs to be able to sit on seats
85. My neck so I can wear lovely scarfs
86. My bladder for holding urine, so I don't wet myself
87. My nose for smelling things
88. my fingers for holding rings that all have special meaning for me
89. my laugh, it reminds me of what its like to enjoy life
90. my boobs, for the comfy place they provide my children to lay their heads.
91. My head, it gives me a space to put my princess crown
92. My height for allowing me to see over the top of crowds
93. My cheeks for being there, I would look stupid without them
94. My body for being mine
95. My legs for moving even when I think they can't
96. My brain for its dedication to making things more than they are
97. My spinal cord for protecting my nerves
98. My body for allowing me to meet some amazing people who have changed my life.
99. My eye lids for a place to put eye shadow, it looks very pretty, going to try some bright and sparkly colours soon
100. My body for holding my soul, the essence of who I am.
Wow that was hard, and technically some of those things may not be my body, but I am using it lol.
Amazing how much doing this makes you realize all the amazing things this body of yours does.
2. My hair it is very thick
3. my eyes, I love their shape and the fact they let me see amazing things and the people I love
4. My ears, so I can hear the sounds I love, and so I can punch holes in them.
5. My nose, it is the same shape as my Grandfathers, and I love that it is something that reminds me of my family.
6. My arms, they allow me to hold those dear to me, to protect to shield and also to do things like drive and write.
7. My hands, to be able to feel, and touch.
8. My fingers, so I can count, as my brain cant do it lol.
9. My nails, I love them when they are long and pained, makes me feel feminine.
10. My mouth, it allows me to kiss those people I love.
11. My tongue, it helps me to talk, and taste
12. My heart, it beats every day keeping me alive, and it fills to bursting point every time one of my kids smile say I love you mum, cuddle up to me.
13. My insides, they still work lol, after all the crap I have pumped in there its still slugging away, admittedly slowly but its still happening.
14. My womb, for growing 4 amazing human beings.
15. My legs for allowing me to walk, to travel
16. My ankles, my one body part I think of as thin.
17. My feet, for keeping me from sending myself broke with my shoe obsession lol.
18. My skin, for keeping it all together
19. My muscles for making it possible for me to exercise
20. My freckles, for making me less pale.
21. My knees for giving me some shape to my legs
22. My wrists, for a space to tattoo my loved ones name
23. My lips, so I can smile
24. My teeth for making sure many dentists are kept in a job
25. My butt for giving me a nice soft place to sit.
26. My brain for allowing me to think
27. My personality (its housed it my body so I am counting it lol) for being me.
28. My brain for the ability to learn new things every day
29. My nerves for relaying all this information my body receives back to my brain
30. My brain for processing information
31. My palms for allowing me to grip, and hold my fingers in place
32. My toes for being able to feel the sand between them
33. My fists so I can punch in a thump class
34. My kidneys for processing the toxins in my body
35. My vocal cords, for my voice
36. My nostrils, for allowing me to smell
37. My tear ducts so I can cry
38. My memory for every thing I hold dear
39. My soul for my values and respect
40. my neck for keeping my head in place
41. my head for holding my face in place
42.My ribs, for holding my heart
43. My finger prints, for being unique
44. My DNA for making me me, the combination of my parents
45. my elbows, for allowing my arms to bend
46. My spine, for keeping my upright
47. My gall bladder for reminding me that I should treat me body well
48. My body for for being a light colour, saves me on waxing
49. My Boobs, for being big enough that clothing hangs of them not my muffin top
50. My hips for being big enough to accommodate my babies
51. My eye brows for being a ncie shape, no waxing available
52. my eye lashes for being long enough that they are there
53. My Skeleton for giving my body structure
54. My lungs for breathing
55. My lungs for breathing
56. my veins for allowing my blood to flow through me
57. My knuckles for allowing my fingers to bend so I can play the piano
58. my eye lids for giving me darkness
59. the soles of my feet for connecting me to the ground
60. My ego for protecting me
61. My throat for swallowing food
62. My shoulders for carrying the weight
63. The primal part of my brain that makes me breath without me having to think about it.
64. My brain for giving me common sense
65. my brain for processing the information the world gives me
66. My heart for bumping my blood around my body
67. My eyes for giving the world focus
68. My limbs for still working no matter how much I have neglected them
69. My toe nails for being so thick it reminds me why I need to loose wight every time I have to cut them
70. My chin, for giving my face structure
71. My snot for keeping little things out of my airways
72. my saliva for helping me to process food
73. My spin for teaching me to listen to my body
74. My hair for not falling out even though I colour it to within an inch of its life
75. My cheeks for helping me to blow raspberries on my kids bellies
76. my birth mark for being mine
77. My optic nerve for carrying information
78. My taste buds for trying to change
79. My toes for keeping me balanced
80. My thumbs for making me different to a monkey
81. My brains ability to keep coming back for me
82. My brains ability to learn
83. My brains ability to read
84. My thighs to be able to sit on seats
85. My neck so I can wear lovely scarfs
86. My bladder for holding urine, so I don't wet myself
87. My nose for smelling things
88. my fingers for holding rings that all have special meaning for me
89. my laugh, it reminds me of what its like to enjoy life
90. my boobs, for the comfy place they provide my children to lay their heads.
91. My head, it gives me a space to put my princess crown
92. My height for allowing me to see over the top of crowds
93. My cheeks for being there, I would look stupid without them
94. My body for being mine
95. My legs for moving even when I think they can't
96. My brain for its dedication to making things more than they are
97. My spinal cord for protecting my nerves
98. My body for allowing me to meet some amazing people who have changed my life.
99. My eye lids for a place to put eye shadow, it looks very pretty, going to try some bright and sparkly colours soon
100. My body for holding my soul, the essence of who I am.
Wow that was hard, and technically some of those things may not be my body, but I am using it lol.
Amazing how much doing this makes you realize all the amazing things this body of yours does.
Monday, 17 December 2012
on the start to the way up
OK so lets get something happening. I will post daily from now on. So I have some guidelines that I am going to work on, these are not always food related, but are about getting my life on track.
Mon, Wed and Friday
-Non spending days
everyday
1 hr physical activity with the kids
food planned the day before
2 ltrs water
10 mins of meditation every day.
An amazing friend of mine sent me a message after my earlier blog and she asked me about what has worked previously and what hasn't and what I am prepared to do so here is my lists.
Mon, Wed and Friday
-Non spending days
everyday
1 hr physical activity with the kids
food planned the day before
2 ltrs water
10 mins of meditation every day.
An amazing friend of mine sent me a message after my earlier blog and she asked me about what has worked previously and what hasn't and what I am prepared to do so here is my lists.
things that have worked
6 meals
protein
no fat
organized in advance
haven't worked
calorie counting
restrictive
same things all the time
what am I willing to do
be organized 24 hrs in advance
daily exercise of some sort
cappuccino, only when with another person
treat once per week
Ok so tomorrow
I will take Jhett for a walk to the park in the afternoon
Food
breakfast scrambled eggs with avocado and 1 toast
snack strawberries
lunch salad with tune
snack apricot protein ball with rice cake with cottage cheese pesto and tomato
tea hamburgers with salad
snack berries with yoghurt
I will be taking pics of my food on instragram so please follow if you want to see what I am doing
I have downloaded a head space app which is a meditation app, I will do day 1.
Now because I need to change my focus.
I am grateful for
6 meals
protein
no fat
organized in advance
haven't worked
calorie counting
restrictive
same things all the time
what am I willing to do
be organized 24 hrs in advance
daily exercise of some sort
cappuccino, only when with another person
treat once per week
Ok so tomorrow
I will take Jhett for a walk to the park in the afternoon
Food
breakfast scrambled eggs with avocado and 1 toast
snack strawberries
lunch salad with tune
snack apricot protein ball with rice cake with cottage cheese pesto and tomato
tea hamburgers with salad
snack berries with yoghurt
I will be taking pics of my food on instragram so please follow if you want to see what I am doing
I have downloaded a head space app which is a meditation app, I will do day 1.
Now because I need to change my focus.
I am grateful for
- my family
- amazing friends
- my strength to try again.
What I like/ or am proud of, about me
- My desire to strive for better
- My eyes
Sunday, 16 December 2012
Broken
Well it has been a few weeks of the same old shit, I say I want to do it, and I still eat crap. I am struggling and I mean really struggling. In the last week I have had a back injury and also had another tooth out. My body feels like it is not mine and that I am not connected to it.
There is always some reason why I wont start today and currently it is Christmas, but honestly it could be anything.
Food is my big problem and I struggle with what to do to control that.
calorie counting
In general
I am so full of excuses, and yet I just don't seem to be able to push past them. I don't understand why it is so hard to get something you actually say you want.
feeling lost and vulnerable, I am not overly sure how to start or how to get out of my funk.
One of the girls posted this on facebook and I really liked it there are so many things that move me, this is just one of them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja9BFx5Mhqo.
I am still trying and I am still looking, I will get there.
There is always some reason why I wont start today and currently it is Christmas, but honestly it could be anything.
Food is my big problem and I struggle with what to do to control that.
calorie counting
- I don't like numbers and they scare me, so it makes me anxious
- It doesn't seem to bother me if I go over
- I never really know what level I should sit on
- To do it properly I would have to weigh stuff etc etc and that seems like hard work to me
- Coming up with ideas
- portion size
In general
- what to eat and when to eat
- portion size
- variety
I am so full of excuses, and yet I just don't seem to be able to push past them. I don't understand why it is so hard to get something you actually say you want.
feeling lost and vulnerable, I am not overly sure how to start or how to get out of my funk.
One of the girls posted this on facebook and I really liked it there are so many things that move me, this is just one of them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja9BFx5Mhqo.
I am still trying and I am still looking, I will get there.
Wednesday, 28 November 2012
Monday, 26 November 2012
I am scared
I am no longer going to be living the negative, I am going to focus on the positive, but I need to have this out.
I am so scared of not being able to do this, I am so scared that it wont work and I will have to accept something I don't want to. I am scared of disappointing people, I am scared of getting sick.
I am scared of what my life would be like if I lost weight, I don't know a life without a shield to hide behind, I feel vulnerable, and small.
I am so scared of not being able to do this, I am so scared that it wont work and I will have to accept something I don't want to. I am scared of disappointing people, I am scared of getting sick.
I am scared of what my life would be like if I lost weight, I don't know a life without a shield to hide behind, I feel vulnerable, and small.
Getting myself sorted
So I talked about putting everything together that I have said I should do, so here it is:
I was so sure there was so much more, so in all honest I have just been living my excuses, I haven't even been looking for ways to overcome them.
So I am going to try and focus on these things, and take it one step at a time. I have done a shop and I even ate a lunch, that meets all my requirements.
- Organize each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch
- Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am
- Develop a goal and reward system
- Be proud of my achievements for the week
- Water Water and more water.
- Review what I am thankful for in the day/ Gratitude diary.
- Daily Mantra
I was so sure there was so much more, so in all honest I have just been living my excuses, I haven't even been looking for ways to overcome them.
So I am going to try and focus on these things, and take it one step at a time. I have done a shop and I even ate a lunch, that meets all my requirements.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)