On Sunday I went to an emazon session. I had no idea what to expect but I went in with an open head and heart. Since my last weigh in I have tried so hard to stay on track and I have managed about 75% but it has been bloody hard work. I think that I struggle with the hard work that is involved and the crap that goes on in my head along with all that hard work. Since Sunday it hasent been so hard.
So Emazon was amazing, I walked out with a feeling of calmness, strength and focus that I have never had before. I walked in feeling such self-doubt, self-loathing for the things I perceived as my inadequacies and I huge fear/hatred of food. When food is such a source of anger and frustration is makes it very hard on a daily basis to eat and not rebel. Once I had finished the session food was just that food, it doesn't have any power over me and I can eat what ever I want to, but it comes down to if that food is supporting me or not and if I choose to value that food for what it is, and that if fuel for my body. Food is not an event, not a crutch, not a boredom killer, it is just fuel nothing more nothing less. I haven't been 100% with food since Sunday but when I have eaten something that is not fuel I haven't let it consume my thinking and send me into a negative spiral, its just food, I made a choice, its done lets move on.
I found my inner inner strength, my determination and my desire to do this for me. I feel for the first time that I am coming in from the dark, that I am beginning to hear me, it is quite and soft but it is there.
Emazon said within the next 6-8 weeks we would all face a challenge, well mine decided to come on Monday night. Those of you who have been following me for a while might know that I have had massive car issues for over 12 months, so we got a new 2nd hand car. Well this car broke down, on the way to my daughters school band concert, so we walked, then walked back to the car and it still wouldn't start. Normally this would send me into a tail spin, the world hates me, I must be a bad person, nothing every goes right etc etc and of course I would eat and eat and eat. This would go on for days and particularly in a situation like we are in now when the car is still in the location it broke down and we don't have the money to fix it. This time I said to myself it is a car, nothing more nothing less, it broke down, big deal. I can use public transport and I can use this opportunity to fix any issues the car may have so this doesn't happen again. I was amazed at how I have managed to stay calm and I feel strong, I feel like I have controlled the situation, like I am living my life rather than being controlled by it.
I am practicing the technique Emazon taught us, to be able to draw ourselves back into the moment with ourselves, rather than the auto-pilot with the negative self-talk that tend to dominate our lives. It is amazing how different things feel when you are actually experiencing them. Mind you I have discovered my balance is not good enough to be able to do lunges with my eyes closed lol.
I have also started a new supplement regime which I am excited about. I started today, and already I am noticing the increased level of energy and the decrease in bloating. This is such an opportunity for me and something that come about as I was brave enough to just say yes. I added a facebook page recently that was about saying yes to things and experiencing all that life has to offer. Whats so exciting about saying yes is the doors that are opened to you once you start to trust yourself and your abilities and stop fearing the change and opportunity.
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