Monday, 30 April 2012

Just Me

Today I have managed to not binge, or include foods that don't support my goals. Before I went to sleep last night I had a talk with myself, sounds silly doesn't it. It works for me, it is about treating myself like I would treat any other person. I told myself it was OK to crave food, it doesn't make me a bad person and that just because I was craving something didn't mean I had to go and have it. I am worth taking some time/ worth the effort to be prepared and make food.

I have struggled with some second guessing and also some negative talk due to an incident tonight. I took on board someone else negative emotions and let that make me feel like I had done something wrong. I am very passionate about paying this journey forward and there will/are times when I will meet people who have their own agenda which makes having a relationship where we support each other and develop a mutual respect impossible. That doesn't make either of us wrong, it just means we are not right for each other. (Sounds like I am talking about finding a life long partner lol)

I am a good person, with lots of amazing qualities, strengths and personality traits. My best is good enough and all I can do is be open and honest and live to my values and morals. No person has the power to make me feel negatively about myself. I am good enough, I am strong enough and I am worth it.

Friday, 27 April 2012

Is the struggle worth the journey.

After my last post, an amazing friend who I have know for a long time called me, there was a level of concern that things were seeming quite negative. I feel like while much of this journey and the bits that end up here on my blog often highlight the negative, I am ok with that I feel like it is the struggle I need to go thru to make the end point the best possible version of me. I don't ever want to go back to being overweight, actually I don't want to go backwards at any point, but for me that means I need to address some of the reason why I am over weight. While this journey is difficult and at times emotionally challenging I am proud of the fact that I am able to move forward and continue on this path of physical, emotional and spiritual self-discovery.

I am still struggling a little, more because I am letting myself. It is so much easier to sit here and do nothing rather than force myself to get out there and do things. I have spent many days trying to work out what was holding me back, because there must be something holding me back, right? I mean seriously I wouldn't be eating crap if there wasn't something going on in my head. I had been going back and forward and struggling and nothing was coming up that was new. Tuesday I was on the way to the dentist, big shout out to another amazing lady I have met on this journey, thank you so much, and it hit me there is nothing holding me back, there is no deep seeded emotional issue,(that is new lol) I just need to choose to eat healthy and live this life. I need to be prepared to say no to myself and to be strong.

Today I was reading an article about Compulsive overeating and it rang true with me, I am a compulsive over eater, there are days where I wake up thinking about food and ways I can get the food I want, I want it for the texture, the taste, the convenience and just because. I think about food all day often. This ties in to being lazy and not having a full life, it gives me time to think about food. I think it was in this article, that it said something along the lines of you will never fill the hole in your soul with food. That is what I have been trying to do. Here is the link to the article A few years ago I went to a Overeaters Anonymous meeting, the food equivalent of AA. This is something I may look into more, but I thought I would list the 12 steps on here.

  1. We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Permission to use the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous for adaptation granted by AA World Services, Inc.
The other thing I have realised today is that I am some what unfocused on this weight loss journey. I have some goals but I feel like they are not concrete for me, so over the weekend I want to review these goals and plan out how I am going to reach them. Add information to the calender, my phone and my diary. Hopefully having these things planned out and in front of me will help me to focus on a regular basis and support me in my quest to not be controlled by food.

This last week I have been sick, ever since I moved to Melbourne, 12 odd years ago I get a cold/cough thing, which basically is just this persistent cough where I keep myself up and can make myself vomit. I hate it, drives me batty and will last from a day or 2 up to the longest I have had it for is 10 odd weeks, when it is really bad I loose my voice and can't breath properly. I haven't trained this week because I didn't want to make it worse, it seems to be something I get when I am run down. Although I didn't really feel like I was run down, maybe it was all the crap food. Its not getting any better and now I am stuck, so I think I am going to leave it for the weekend and try and rest as much as I can and then back into things on Monday.

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Losing myself in the hazy of myself

For anyone who has been reading my blog you will notice from my last few posts that I have been struggling a little. This feeling has continued and my realisation over the last few days has been that mostly I am just a little lost.

I have found that my way of coping with all the perceived expectations I placed on myself, my shame at how over weight I was and my complete loathing for myself was to hid, even from myself. I have mentioned before that I really don't have an idea about what makes me passionate, I don't know what it is that makes me excited.

Lately I have been feeling an extreme lack of motivation and enthusiasm. I spend my days sitting on the couch watching TV and doing nothing, I don't even keep up with cleaning most of the time as I just don't feel like doing anything. I understand that some of that will be residual from my bad eating but I feel it is more than that. I feel like my life has no direction, nothing that brings a smile to my face (not including my family in this conversation) and defiantly nothing that makes me feel alive and refreshed. exercise doesn't do that for me yet, it is still a chore, maybe one day. My head is just this hazy of nothingness and it just seems like it is to much to get up and do anything cos I am not actually living in my life.

The majority of people are able to tell you what interests them or what their passions are, for me when I  start to think about that there is just this nothingness, just a hazy its like I am just not connected to that part of me. I guess part of that comes from the fact that I have never thought I was worthy of anything so didn't value myself enough to ever really develop hobbies or interests.

At the moment I am feeling like my life is a lot of nothing and it is not helping to motivate me or encourage me to do anything. I know that sitting on the couch all day doesn't help and just makes it worse. So I have to start sitting on the couch less, try lots of new different things so I can try and find that thing/s that makes me excited. My family were/are Christian but haven't been church going for quite a few years now, I have been feeling the pull to move back towards going to church again so this is something I will explore as well.

Life is very much what you make it and right now I feel like I am being passed by and not actually living. I want to live my life with passion, commitment and to the fullest and right now that is not happening.

Friday, 13 April 2012

Great Expectations

Well since my last post I am still struggling with food in actual fact I have gotten worse. It has just been Easter and that really didn't help to try and focus my attention on getting back on track. My mind was starting to become clouded and I was starting to feel like I wasn't able to do this. I have spent much of today really thinking and analysing this as there has to be a reason, some underlying pay off for the eating.

Again for me it seems to come down to the expectations I have of myself, I have such high expectations and to be honest and logical they are completely un-achievable, things like expecting to be able to lift heavy weights quickly and to lose big numbers weight loss wise and to be within a health weight loss range. Due to my expectations being so high I am constantly failing, and so now I just believe I will fail. I hate the idea of failing and so it is easier for me to sabotage myself rather than risk failing. I know that seem stupid, but by sabotaging I am controlling the fact that I will fail so I don't have to fear it because I know it will happen.

The reality of this situation is that truthfully I am not failing, I am achieving, just not to the stupid level I expect of myself, things that I would never expect of anyone else. So how do I get myself to see that??

There were a few things that helped me to level myself out.

1.Coming to the realisation that as much as I hate to admit it what I eat is a choice, my head doesn't control me, nor does a craving. I have to take the time to think about what I want to put in my mouth and the reasons behind it. I can eat what ever I want to but is that really what I want to do. I like to think that my cravings control me and there are times when my cravings are so strong it becomes a physical thing and impacts on my mood and interactions with others. I let these feelings and cravings take control of me and I don't fight them.

2. A friend of mine sent me an email, that really spoke to me. "
What I'm trying to do is relax, stop thinking and just be, over thinking is definitely my big vice! Always going straight to the negative!! My friend who passed away last week uses to tell herself everyday that she's beautiful, courageous, inspirational etc she had a big list she had written down of all the things she is and her hubby read them all out at her funeral, it was the most amazing thing to hear someone speak like that of themselves coz it takes guts to believe in yourself like that and that is how I'm trying to live! You should try it too, life is too short to focus on all the negatives coz u are the only one who thinks it xxxxx "
Life really is to short and you never know what is around the corner. The idea of having a list of things I like about myself and of believing in myself  is so foreign to me because I don't, I find it really confronting to think of something good about myself and yet I am starting to see just how important this is.

3. I spent some time on a facebook page called smashfit.!/SmashFit 
There were some posts on there that really struck a cord for me. I will share a couple.
  • You have to get rid of the notion of DEPRIVATION.
    You are not deprived because can't eat donuts, candy, or a big mac. I know you want them, but you don't need them.

    What you DEPRIVING yourself of, is that BODY you crave, the energy you try to coffee-up, and the health that keeps you going and glowing from every angle. I know the food tastes good and your taste"buds" are happy,but for the 10 minutes your buds get to be happy, your body has hours of filtering, digesting and *storing* to do. Do this over and over in one single day and your body won't be very happy with your "buds". Of course you should indulge from time to time, but not every day, all the time. Then you're just depriving yourself of your health.... and your best you.
    -Heather Frey
    So you have MOTIVATION but feel weak on the willpower.

    That is, you're motivat...ed to workout but don't have the willpower to turn away dessert. To bring these two power sources together and turn them into one takes, well, motivation and willpower. BUT, if you have one, you certainly have the strength to conquer the other. At the center of your motivation is a GOAL, ie to get smaller, to get leaner, to build muscle, to run faster, etc. To conjure up your willpower, you have to *include* in your motivation package. You make yourself workout when you don't feel like it because you can envision what you want.

    Willpower is no different - you have to ENVISION what you want in the same way and know that turning down the donuts and passing on the pizza IS part of the goal. MOTIVATE yourself to walk away, make a better choice, or realize you're not even hungry.

    Here are 3 Simple ways to Wake Up Your Willpower:
    1. Pictures and/words. I've posted this before but it's a great brain-jolter - Put motivating words and/or pictures on your phone, in your purse, in your wallet, on your desk, in the kitchen, in your kids room, by the TV, wherever you think you might feel weak, post a reminder.

    2. Set your treat meal (or dessert) at the beginning of the week. It gives you something to look forward to and when you have it, there will be absolutely no guilt. That feeling alone is worth your willpower.

    3. See food as a means to your fabulous end! Don't let sugar, fat, salt and chemicals stand in the way who you truly are.

    -Heather Frey
So now that I have some idea on why I am struggling with food what am I going to do to try and address that.
 I have put a note on my phone to come up at 9am everyday that says "I am not controlled by food, I am worthy of everything I dream of. I will eat food that supports me to reach my goals."
 I feel like I need to spend a period of time each night focusing on what I have achieved for the day and the goals I have for the next day.
Challenge myself to try new things, to find my passion to start to feel and not hide myself away.
 To start my list of things I like about myself.

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

What happens when you decide not to actually feel

This post has been a long time in the making and I have been avoiding it as I didn't want to write these things down, I didn't want to face that this was what was actually going on, cos once I face it I have to address it and move on.

About 3 weeks ago as part of the challenge at the gym we did a fun run, you could do either 6 or 10km. Now this was on a Saturday morning along a main road along the beach, so lots and lots of traffic. In the week preceding this run I started to eat, just little bits here and there, nothing like it use to be. I didn't really think about it at the time, but when I look back on it, I was so scared all week. This "fun" run really got under my skin because of a few factors. It would be the first thing I had to do on my own, normally when I do something new there is one of the other girls from the group with me or Simon. I knew that one of the other amazing girls from the gym Lauren would be there, but Lauren is many KGs ahead of me on this road, she is one of my inspirations and I knew she would be running. I had never tried to do 6km, the week before I had only just managed to do 1km without stopping. Then there was the whole running on a main road thing, I still struggle with my head thinking what must other people think of me.

So basically I was scared and nervous, and rather than acknowledging that and moving thru it I ignored it, I didn't even decide for sure I would do the event until the night before when some of the girls from the group told me I should lol. If I had stopped and thought about this event and planned what I was going to do and how I was going to address it maybe I wouldn't have been eating to stop that horrible feeling welling up inside of me.

Now the eating didn't stop after this event finished. The next thing coming up was week 6 week weigh-in and measure. I didn't notice any of this stuff going on at the time, it is only as I look back that I see this stuff. What was worrying me in the lead up to this is that my good enough may not have been enough. I really had been good until we hit the fun run, and even then I was still rather constrained, only problem was it kept getting worse as I wasn't acknowledging my reasons. I really didn't know what I would do if this wasn't working, I have been trying so hard and working my butt of, and have given up so much time with Simon to do this plan and if it wasn't working what then. The idea that my best wasn't good enough was so frightening to me and so unsettling, the thought of failing really rocks me as I have so much invested and so many reasons for wanting this. Now if I had stopped I would have noticed the changes in my body and I would have been able to see that yes this is working, but again I didn't want to feel that horrible feeling.

Now I did get good results on my 6 week weigh-in, actually I was really happy, but still the eating didn't stop. Why didn't it stop? Well when I look back on it, it was because I didn't address anything, also because I didn't acknowledge what I had managed to do, I didn't rejoice in my achievements, I never challenged that negative thinking. Then this weekend just gone I completed the run for the kids 14.38km "fun" run. This ended up being a very negative event for me. Stupid isn't it, I actually started and finished 14.38km's and I couldn't be happy and proud of that.

I went into the event with no real goal, at least non that I was willing to verbalise. I wanted to do it in around 2 1/2 hours, I wanted to run as much as possible. I was going to try and keep up with an amazing friend Megan. I do alot of training with Megan and I love her sense of humour and her willingness to get in and give it ago, she amazes me with what she can do. So we start and I run with Megan, I even manage to run about 2 kms, which is so huge give that 3 weeks ago I only just managed to run 1km. Then I had to walk, my body really started to hurt and the next 12 km were a fight with my head. I need to say a huge thank you to another amazing lady Simone. Simone pushed herself so hard during the run, and really kicked some goals, but she still managed to stop and get me some jelly beans when I was having a massive blood sugar low, without her I don't think I would have finished. Now I did finish and I did it in 2 hours and 42 mins, and then I cried, not cos I was happy but because I didn't think it was good enough. Really I wish I could slap myself lol. Again I couldn't acknowledge the amazing achievement because I was so stuck in the negative.

Now this eating has continued and it has gotten worse, this week has been crap. I am worried now that I have done damage to my achievements so far and that I will have put on the weight I have lost. I am worried that I wont be able to pull it back it. I am still slightly stuck in that negative.

This blog post for me is about getting it out and stopping the negative. I don't have to be strong, I don't have to be the best, I am allowed to be scared I just need to do it anyway.

I don't really know how I get back to where I need to be, one day at a time I guess. I am thinking I need to pack my food the night before hand and have it ready. I also think I need to go back to not having any money, that way I can't go to the shop. Next is the hard part, how do I actually address my feelings. While all of this was going on I didn't notice it, it wasn't until after the event that I was able to look back and see that is how and why I was feeling and doing. So it seems to come back to being mindful and actually living in the moment. I did a Tai Chi class this week which I found really helped to clear my head and to allow me to find some clarity and space within my head. I am going to have to try some meditation/ yoga/ Tai Chi much more regularly I would like to build up to every day as I feel this would give me some space to actually feel what I need to and the clarity my mind seeks.

I am still struggling cos I am eating but I am acknowledging and I am trying to address and feel.

I have added some comparison pics from my 1st 6  weeks.