on the start to the way up

OK so lets get something happening. I will post daily from now on. So I have some guidelines that I am going to work on, these are not always food related, but are about getting my life on track.

Mon, Wed and Friday
-Non spending days

everyday
1 hr physical activity with the kids
food planned the day before
2 ltrs water
10 mins of meditation every day.

An amazing friend of mine sent me a message after my earlier blog and she asked me about what has worked previously and what hasn't and what I am prepared to do so here is my lists.

things that have worked
6 meals
protein
no fat
organized in advance

haven't worked
calorie counting
restrictive
same things all the time

what am I willing to do
be organized 24 hrs in advance
daily exercise of some sort
cappuccino, only when with another person
treat once per week

Ok so tomorrow
I will take Jhett for a walk to the park in the afternoon

Food
breakfast scrambled eggs with avocado and 1 toast
snack strawberries
lunch salad with tune
snack apricot protein ball with rice cake with cottage cheese pesto and tomato
tea hamburgers with salad
snack berries with yoghurt

I will be taking pics of my food on instragram so please follow if you want to see what I am doing

I have downloaded a head space app which is a meditation app, I will do day 1.

Now because I need to change my focus.

I am grateful for

• my family
• amazing friends
• my strength to try again.

What I like/ or am proud of, about me

• My desire to strive for better
• My eyes

Broken

Well it has been a few weeks of the same old shit, I say I want to do it, and I still eat crap. I am struggling and I mean really struggling. In the last week I have had a back injury and also had another tooth out. My body feels like it is not mine and that I am not connected to it.

There is always some reason why I wont start today and currently it is Christmas, but honestly it could be anything.

Food is my big problem and I struggle with what to do to control that.
calorie counting

• I don't like numbers and they scare me, so it makes me anxious
•  It doesn't seem to bother me if I go over
• I never really know what level I should sit on
• To do it properly I would have to weigh stuff etc etc and that seems like hard work to me

Paleo/Clean eating

• Coming up with ideas
• portion size

In general

• what to eat and when to eat
• portion size
• variety

I am so full of excuses, and yet I just don't seem to be able to push past them. I don't understand why it is so hard to get something you actually say you want.

feeling lost and vulnerable, I am not overly sure how to start or how to get out of my funk.

One of the girls posted this on facebook and I really liked it there are so many things that move me, this is just one of them http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ja9BFx5Mhqo.

I am still trying and I am still looking, I will get there.

failure bites

very much feeling like a failure today.

I am scared

I am no longer going to be living the negative, I am going to focus on the positive, but I need to have this out.

I am so scared of not being able to do this, I am so scared that it wont work and I will have to accept something I don't want to. I am scared of disappointing people, I am scared of getting sick.

I am scared of what my life would be like if I lost weight, I don't know a life without a shield to hide behind, I feel vulnerable, and small.

Getting myself sorted

So I talked about putting everything together that I have said I should do, so here it is:

• Organize each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch
• Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am
• Develop a goal and reward system
• Be proud of my achievements for the week
• Water Water and more water.
• Review what I am thankful for in the day/ Gratitude diary.
• Daily Mantra

I was so sure there was so much more, so in all honest I have just been living my excuses, I haven't even been looking for ways to overcome them.

So I am going to try and focus on these things, and take it one step at a time. I have done a shop and I even ate a lunch, that meets all my requirements.

When your butt doesn't fit

I started today with boot camp and boxing, and I had attitude, princess attitude lol. I was so frustrated with myself as it is so obvious to me how much fitness I have lost recently, I am annoyed that I have allowed myself to sink back into the pit of unhealthy-ness I find myself in once again.

This afternoon it was Alexy's first dance concert, they performed on Thursday night as well, I didn't watch Thursday, rather I helped out the back. Today I was all excited to see her perform, and I sit down in the seat and bugger my butt doesn't fit, that may not be quite what I thought lol. Again that feeling of disgust, failure dread and the tears where there ready to go.

Somewhere this afternoon I decided that I will not be beaten and I am only human, I will slip up, oh well so what pick up lets go and move on. I will not allow myself to be consumed and stopped by the negative, it is now on my list of reasons I want to be healthy, I will use it to motivate me so I don't have to feel this again.

Tomorrow morning I have the last fitness test for the challenge with Matt Silk, I am aware that this is not going to be pretty, I have allowed  my excuses to take control lately and have not achieved any of the things I set out to at the start of this 12 weeks. So tomorrow is the bench mark for me to get healthy from, it will not be a negative for me, I can choose to wallow in the fact that I have not used my time to achieve what I want, or I can use the time coming up to achieve what I want. Seems rather straight forward when you think of it that way.

5 days.....then it falls apart

I would hate to be my life coach, I don't do any of the things I say I will, I don't do anything of the things I think I need to do to help me move on from being controlled by food and my eating habits.

I did so well for 5 days and then crapola, there doesn't seem to be any real reason, other than organization and planning. The days are different and more things happen and I find it harder to be on top of it all. Since it has gone to crap I have made no effort to bring it back into line. Then the bulk of the family caught Gastro. I seemed to get a bad run, and for about 4 or 5 days I didn't eat much, other than bread, then last night another gall stone attack, that's two in about two weeks.I haven't had an attack for such a long time, and this one stopped me from going to bootcamp. My body is all over the place, it doesn't know if it is Arthur or Martha.

I have done this to myself,  I have used enough excuses to sink a battle ship, even my excuses have excuses. I have hidden, I have run away and most of all I have made my body unhealthy. Matt Silk posted on Facebook this morning, and it really struck a cord with me and made me acknowledge some stuff.

 "cut the BS & excuses ... Just do it!!!"

After last night, I have changed my focus to health and supporting my body. Weight loss can no longer be my focus, it doesn't make me look after my body, often it makes me fight against and punish my body. It is never about feeling better, it is always about going further, lifting more and getting smaller. Feels like I have missed the point.

So given how bad I am at following my own advice, I have decided to go back thru all my posts and write it all in one spot. See where that goes, and what I need to do, but there is not more BS and excuses, now it is just about being healthy. 

Reality and feeling the funk

I feel like I need to apologies, I have been playing a huge game of back and forth, of saying I am going to do this, of saying I am committed and then running away and doing the exact opposite. At the time I didn't even realize this was what I was doing. I demanded a certain level from myself and I haven't been able to give that and so I have hidden from everyone including myself.
Perfection can never be achieved when you are expecting a godlike performance.

As part of my life coach training I have been doing NLP, and as part of that we explored limited beliefs. What this identified for me was a very in-ground feeling of worthlessness, not being good enough and a failure. When I started to go back and look over things I began to see that because I had this belief about myself I actually did things to make sure I was a failure, and there was no need for me to try at anything as I was a failure, so I would never achieve anyway. This thought process had dictated so much of my life and what I had done.

This training has given me a chance to review so much about myself and to address some things that were really holding me back. I have taken steps to address these issues and on the whole I actually feel rather ok emotionally.

So if I have dealt with that stuff what is going on now........

To be honest fucked if I know.

I am struggling with Jhett not sleeping and that has made my exercise routine take a flying leap. I have also found that lately my body is really suffering, and I have lots of aches and pains.

What I am trying to do is not run away and hide, to be open honest and put it out there, and to be honest I am not feeling motivated at all.

I am continuing to work on my head stuff, I have my goal up and visible, I have my daily mantra and I am working on being mindful. I have set myself a challenge to start doing some hula hooping, lol. I have wanted to for awhile, but always put it off. Also it is meant to be very good for helping to loosen up back muscles, so that can only be a good thing.

I am working at getting back involved, sharing this journey is what is important to me, I find it to be so motivation, inspiring and also fulfilling, so this is the start of me getting back under way.

Currently I have a food plan to follow, I haven't been following it. There is a part of me that feels I need to do my own stuff, and a part of me that doesn't trust myself to do my own stuff. Space is something that is lacking in my brain at times, and I have made the decision to continue to follow this program thru to the end, so I dont have to think and so I can say I finished something.

I have gained back about 14kgs and I struggle with that, I feel very defined by my weight and also my lack of success. I have allowed it to have power over me as I have tried to hide from it and ignore the fact that this is my reality. I have used excuses and backed out of doing things I would normally do. Its time to put my foot down this is my reality and my funk is well and truly happening, but it will not stop me. I will beat it.

I struggle with this journey as I feel like there is no path that works for me and that the stairs are miles apart and I can't take a step that is that big. I struggle to trust that it is ok to make a mistake, that it is ok to not know and that it is ok to just be in the right here and right now.

There is not a lot of answers here, I am muddled, and somewhat frustrated and also feeling a little pushed aside by people I thought actually had my back. Now these are my issues, my interpretation of the events, so I will allow the wallowing tonight but it will be gone in the morning.

There will be answers and direction in the morning.

Where's the switch and why didn't it flick

Well after my last blog post I was feeling like I had identified and worked thru my issues, mourned my loss and embraced my change. I expected to wake up the next morning and feel different. I believed I would suddenly want to eat differently that I would have this sudden control over my food. Ummmm really lol, why I thought that I am not sure but wow what a limiting belief, if I am always waiting for the switch the flip I will be waiting for a very long time.

I was talking to an amazing friend, Sandie about this last night and her comment was you are the switch, that really resonated with me she is right I am the switch. I decide if I want to eat a certain food, I am in control of what goes in my mouth. Yes there will be cravings but there are things I can do to deal with that.

So today I have been my switch, I woke up this morning tired and feeling shit, there is lots going on here and so I was feeling like I was failing in a few areas and all I wanted to do was eat, I wanted crap straight away.

There was a post on facebook that really hit home and reinforced things for me;

This is where things are at for me. Today is going to be a great day and I will do it again tomorrow and the next day and the next day.

hiding is easy, living it is rewarding

I have been meaning to write this blog post for a few weeks now, but it is so much easier to hide, only thing is I am sick of hiding. I dont want to settle for second best any more.

I have been struggling with food, seems like a common theme, well it really is, as I am not honest with myself. I continualy tell myself that my eating is not that bad, and that I have been following a healthy eating plan and to be honest its has been a load of bullshit. I eat crap, most days and often to much of it, and just becuase I pretend I am not eating it, even convince myself I am not eating it doesn't mean my body isn't registering it.

So why? What is stopping me? Well there seems to be 2 things at the moment, this fear of not being able to do it, and feeing like I dont have a safety and that I dont have a support behind me. I dont feel like I am important enough for others to care, I mean really care about my journey, but I also do  not care enough about me to back myself in. Well you know what I do have a support system and it is amazing, and I can back myself it. It is going to take a while for my head to catch up and so I will have to tell it and remind it everyday.

Second factor for me is that I can never make myself as perfect as I want me to be, I hold myself to a standard that I would never expect of anyone else, so I do nothing as it is easier to stay here within the parameters that I know rather than fail yet again. I am letting go of this belief, it not longer matters, the importance is in the achieving, the journey and the process.

I feel so stuck at times, i honestly want to lose weight but I feel unable to push forward and take that leap.

So I am going to push myself and move it forward so here is what I will do;

1. Organise each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch
2. Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am
3. Develop a goal and reward system
4. Be proud of my achievements for the week
5. Water Water and more water.

Weight loss to me seems like the holy grail, and it is the thing I constantly talk about and want to achieve, but I continue to want someone else to do their "magic" for me and make it all better and I continue to believe that I am being deprived in life. I continue to allow food to become more than a fuel in my life. I am sad that I have let almost a year slip by with very little downward progress. I feel trapped by the weight of indecision and lies that I continue to invest time in. Today I take back that power and I know that this choice is mine, my heart is beating and I have a lump in my throat and I am close to tears. Tonight I am mourning the loss of the space that has been my friend, it has served it's purpose and I am embracing my new space and the challenges that come with that space. 

The pain of needing acceptance

Last night it was very clearly bought home to me how much I still crave acceptance. I am always so concerned that what I am doing may cause someone else to feel uncomfortable or not like me and there are times that fear will actually stop me from doing something I want to do for me. As a result I also have difficult asking for or accepting help, and saying no to different things.

I really want to be able to say NO, to ask for help and to feel ok to just be me in my skin. This was touched on at the Emazon session and I am really looking forward to getting the mind CD so I can work thru this block. I know this is holding me back so much and I know this lack of acceptance of myself is what is at the root of my difficult with losing weight. I have previously talked about needed to start listing my qualities/talents/ the things that make me me, I have never actually done it but I think this is something I need to start doing. There has to be a way to move to acceptance of myself.

I had an experience that left me in tears in public last night, i felt so insignificant and also disrespected that I just wanted to run away and hide. I had gone to a pub/club thing with an amazing friend. When we arrived we got chatting to a lady there and went to walk into the location with her, she had previously been inside. So this lady walks, in my friend walks in, I say"hey do we need to go that side", Bec says "Nah lets go", so I follow her, no more than a rulers length apart. Security stop me and make me go to the back of the line on the other side, all I can think is I got sent to the back of the line as I was fat. They let Bec walk in, they saw we were together and yet they stopped me. Stuff like this shouldn't bother me, but it really really did.

I currently have a few balls that I am trying to juggle and life is rather stressful at the moment, so I have taken a step back from some of the facebook groups I am part of. I am feeling the need to protect and shelter myself, but also to take some time to re-energies my batteries. I am taking comments very personally and I am sure that is not how they are meant.

In saying all of that I need to look at why I am letting others views bother me so much, it really shouldn't matter but I am still striving to be good enough and accepted and so when something doesn't work out that I have planned, I feel like such a failure and that it is all my fault.

I am not sure how I want to finish this post, I know its not there is still more I want to say, so I will come back to this there will be a part 2.

And the circle continues

Again I am stuck, I have put on some weight and I feel like I am stagnating in the same spot. I feel like my head is starting to come together and then it falls apart. So back on to the roller coaster of trying to get this weight loss journey to become consistent.

After really searching and thinking I am starting to see that it is so easy to lie to myself, as a result, often I am not eating well and I don't even acknowledge it. How it tends to work for me is that I eat my 6 meals and they are healthy meals that follow the guidelines I am using but it is the bits in between. The times I eat things like choc, cake, chips and lollies, these things I don't seem to count or remember so I will look back on my week and feel frustrated and disheartened because I have not lost weight or have put it on when I am saying I have had a clean week. To address this I need to plan my meals, I am going to start menu planning again and then packing these meals the night before. If it is packed and ready to go it is so much easier. I need to eat away from distraction, now I sit on the couch and either watch TV or Facebook, sometimes both. I need to turn off the TV, for noise I can use the radio.

I have previously talked about the fact that I have struggled with staying focused on my goals and that I felt I needed to break them down into weekly goals to keep me focused. So I have developed a daily tracking sheet, I am going to print this up A3 size and laminate it and put magnets on the back. Here is my first one, I am sure this will change over time. This will enable me to have a concrete plan for each day and a constant reminder of what I am doing and Why.

It really is hard to struggle everyday and feel like you are not going anywhere. Sometimes you really have to stop and look at where you came from to notice the differences. In saying that you really need to stop focusing on the future or the past and live in the now. What can I do now, what do I want to do now, what will make me smile, what will give my family and myself some wonderful memories. To an extent I still sit around and wait for life to catch me, although I am getting better on this front.

Recently I have let outside things get in the way, I have let food and exercise fall to the side, I have not given them the priority in my life that they should have. Life does get in the way at times, but I think we have to choose do we let life derail us or do we change things around and do what we can. I let life derail me, life will always be there and things will always come up, so if every time something pops up I get derailed I am always going to be going back and fort between those few kilos.

Weight loss needs to be my priority, so much of my life and also my families life has been put on hold or changed because of my weight loss journey and yet I don't make it a priority, I say that I am but really I am just blowing steam, its a load of crap. So pull me up, challenge me next time you talk to me. The next 12 months are about this weight loss journey and the direction my life is starting to take.

Emazon the start of the begining of the real me

On Sunday I went to an emazon session. I had no idea what to expect but I went in with an open head and heart. Since my last weigh in I have tried so hard to stay on track and I have managed about 75% but it has been bloody hard work. I think that I struggle with the hard work that is involved and the crap that goes on in my head along with all that hard work. Since Sunday it hasent been so hard.

So Emazon was amazing, I walked out with a feeling of calmness, strength and focus that I have never had before. I walked in feeling such self-doubt, self-loathing for the things I perceived as my inadequacies and I huge fear/hatred of food. When food is such a source of anger and frustration is makes it very hard on a daily basis to eat and not rebel. Once I had finished the session food was just that food, it doesn't have any power over me and I can eat what ever I want to, but it comes down to if that food is supporting me or not and if I choose to value that food for what it is, and that if fuel for my body. Food is not an event, not a crutch, not a boredom killer, it is just fuel nothing more nothing less. I haven't been 100% with food since Sunday but when I have eaten something that is not fuel I haven't let it consume my thinking and send me into a negative spiral, its just food, I made a choice, its done lets move on.

I found my inner inner strength, my determination and my desire to do this for me. I feel for the first time that I am coming in from the dark, that I am beginning to hear me, it is quite and soft but it is there.

Emazon said within the next 6-8 weeks we would all face a challenge, well mine decided to come on Monday night. Those of you who have been following me for a while might know that I have had massive car issues for over 12 months, so we got a new 2nd hand car. Well this car broke down, on the way to my daughters school band concert, so we walked, then walked back to the car and it still wouldn't start. Normally this would send me into a tail spin, the world hates me, I must be a bad person, nothing every goes right etc etc and of course I would eat and eat and eat. This would go on for days and particularly in a situation like we are in now when the car is still in the location it broke down and we don't have the money to fix it. This time I said to myself it is a car, nothing more nothing less, it broke down, big deal. I can use public transport and I can use this opportunity to fix any issues the car may have so this doesn't happen again. I was amazed at how I have managed to stay calm and I feel strong, I feel like I have controlled the situation, like I am living my life rather than being controlled by it.

I am practicing the technique Emazon taught us, to be able to draw ourselves back into the moment with ourselves, rather than the auto-pilot with the negative self-talk that tend to dominate our lives. It is amazing how different things feel when you are actually experiencing them. Mind you I have discovered my balance is not good enough to be able to do lunges with my eyes closed lol.

I have also started a new supplement regime which I am excited about. I started today, and already I am noticing the increased level of energy and the decrease in bloating. This is such an opportunity for me and something that come about as I was brave enough to just say yes. I added a facebook page recently that was about saying yes to things and experiencing all that life has to offer. Whats so exciting about saying yes is the doors that are opened to you once you start to trust yourself and your abilities and stop fearing the change and opportunity.

Lets get Honest

Well today  i had my 12 week weigh in for my gym challenge. I knew that I had not done overly well in these last six weeks, but to find out that of the 6 kgs of fat I had lost at the 6 week mark, I have put it all on bar 200grams is devastating. I am so disappointed, frustrated and angry at myself. I want to cry, i just don't want to do it in front of anyone, so maybe in the shower.

So what now......... lets start with some honesty.

My food is wrong, I have been eating crap and there have been days where I have binged. I have not been accountable for what has gone in my mouth. So to start with Simon has all the money and my ATM card again, so I can't buy crap. I need to pack my daily food every night, I know organisation is one of my big keys. I also have to find ways to get around my sweet tooth. There are some options for snack options maybe with protein powder, I think I will start to look into those. Portion sizes I think are to big. I hate writing everything down so I have decided I will take a picture of everything I eat and drink, I will be posting this on facebook in a private folder so I don't annoy the crap out of everyone, if you feel like following my progress let me know and I will add you to the folder.

Next thing is enough with the excuses, saying I am lazy, I don't like cooking, I don't focus enough on my goals are all things I do to stop myself from having to actually do the hard work involved. There are ways to work around each and every one of these things I just have to do it.

My head is holding me back at the moment to a huge extend. I have booked in to attend an Emazon session which I am really looking forward to. I need to continue to live in the moment, the moment that is my life and the day to day things that come along with that.

I feel like crap, and I want to eat crap I want to stop focusing on the fact that I fucked things up again, that I had a chance to lose weight and I stopped it. I wont eat crap, I will feel like crap. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to focus on the things I did well.

So time to pull those big girl pants up start with some honest and mindfulness and try again, things will be different and I will succeed. Next weigh in is in 6 weeks time.

Just Me

Today I have managed to not binge, or include foods that don't support my goals. Before I went to sleep last night I had a talk with myself, sounds silly doesn't it. It works for me, it is about treating myself like I would treat any other person. I told myself it was OK to crave food, it doesn't make me a bad person and that just because I was craving something didn't mean I had to go and have it. I am worth taking some time/ worth the effort to be prepared and make food.

I have struggled with some second guessing and also some negative talk due to an incident tonight. I took on board someone else negative emotions and let that make me feel like I had done something wrong. I am very passionate about paying this journey forward and there will/are times when I will meet people who have their own agenda which makes having a relationship where we support each other and develop a mutual respect impossible. That doesn't make either of us wrong, it just means we are not right for each other. (Sounds like I am talking about finding a life long partner lol)

I am a good person, with lots of amazing qualities, strengths and personality traits. My best is good enough and all I can do is be open and honest and live to my values and morals. No person has the power to make me feel negatively about myself. I am good enough, I am strong enough and I am worth it.

Is the struggle worth the journey.

After my last post, an amazing friend who I have know for a long time called me, there was a level of concern that things were seeming quite negative. I feel like while much of this journey and the bits that end up here on my blog often highlight the negative, I am ok with that I feel like it is the struggle I need to go thru to make the end point the best possible version of me. I don't ever want to go back to being overweight, actually I don't want to go backwards at any point, but for me that means I need to address some of the reason why I am over weight. While this journey is difficult and at times emotionally challenging I am proud of the fact that I am able to move forward and continue on this path of physical, emotional and spiritual self-discovery.

I am still struggling a little, more because I am letting myself. It is so much easier to sit here and do nothing rather than force myself to get out there and do things. I have spent many days trying to work out what was holding me back, because there must be something holding me back, right? I mean seriously I wouldn't be eating crap if there wasn't something going on in my head. I had been going back and forward and struggling and nothing was coming up that was new. Tuesday I was on the way to the dentist, big shout out to another amazing lady I have met on this journey, thank you so much, and it hit me there is nothing holding me back, there is no deep seeded emotional issue,(that is new lol) I just need to choose to eat healthy and live this life. I need to be prepared to say no to myself and to be strong.

Today I was reading an article about Compulsive overeating and it rang true with me, I am a compulsive over eater, there are days where I wake up thinking about food and ways I can get the food I want, I want it for the texture, the taste, the convenience and just because. I think about food all day often. This ties in to being lazy and not having a full life, it gives me time to think about food. I think it was in this article, that it said something along the lines of you will never fill the hole in your soul with food. That is what I have been trying to do. Here is the link to the article http://curlyhairedchica.wordpress.com/2012/04/26/the-other-eating-disorder-compulsive-overeating/ A few years ago I went to a Overeaters Anonymous meeting, the food equivalent of AA. This is something I may look into more, but I thought I would list the 12 steps on here.

1. We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Permission to use the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous for adaptation granted by AA World Services, Inc.

The other thing I have realised today is that I am some what unfocused on this weight loss journey. I have some goals but I feel like they are not concrete for me, so over the weekend I want to review these goals and plan out how I am going to reach them. Add information to the calender, my phone and my diary. Hopefully having these things planned out and in front of me will help me to focus on a regular basis and support me in my quest to not be controlled by food.

This last week I have been sick, ever since I moved to Melbourne, 12 odd years ago I get a cold/cough thing, which basically is just this persistent cough where I keep myself up and can make myself vomit. I hate it, drives me batty and will last from a day or 2 up to the longest I have had it for is 10 odd weeks, when it is really bad I loose my voice and can't breath properly. I haven't trained this week because I didn't want to make it worse, it seems to be something I get when I am run down. Although I didn't really feel like I was run down, maybe it was all the crap food. Its not getting any better and now I am stuck, so I think I am going to leave it for the weekend and try and rest as much as I can and then back into things on Monday.

Losing myself in the hazy of myself

For anyone who has been reading my blog you will notice from my last few posts that I have been struggling a little. This feeling has continued and my realisation over the last few days has been that mostly I am just a little lost.

I have found that my way of coping with all the perceived expectations I placed on myself, my shame at how over weight I was and my complete loathing for myself was to hid, even from myself. I have mentioned before that I really don't have an idea about what makes me passionate, I don't know what it is that makes me excited.

Lately I have been feeling an extreme lack of motivation and enthusiasm. I spend my days sitting on the couch watching TV and doing nothing, I don't even keep up with cleaning most of the time as I just don't feel like doing anything. I understand that some of that will be residual from my bad eating but I feel it is more than that. I feel like my life has no direction, nothing that brings a smile to my face (not including my family in this conversation) and defiantly nothing that makes me feel alive and refreshed. exercise doesn't do that for me yet, it is still a chore, maybe one day. My head is just this hazy of nothingness and it just seems like it is to much to get up and do anything cos I am not actually living in my life.

The majority of people are able to tell you what interests them or what their passions are, for me when I  start to think about that there is just this nothingness, just a hazy its like I am just not connected to that part of me. I guess part of that comes from the fact that I have never thought I was worthy of anything so didn't value myself enough to ever really develop hobbies or interests.

At the moment I am feeling like my life is a lot of nothing and it is not helping to motivate me or encourage me to do anything. I know that sitting on the couch all day doesn't help and just makes it worse. So I have to start sitting on the couch less, try lots of new different things so I can try and find that thing/s that makes me excited. My family were/are Christian but haven't been church going for quite a few years now, I have been feeling the pull to move back towards going to church again so this is something I will explore as well.

Life is very much what you make it and right now I feel like I am being passed by and not actually living. I want to live my life with passion, commitment and to the fullest and right now that is not happening.

Great Expectations

Well since my last post I am still struggling with food in actual fact I have gotten worse. It has just been Easter and that really didn't help to try and focus my attention on getting back on track. My mind was starting to become clouded and I was starting to feel like I wasn't able to do this. I have spent much of today really thinking and analysing this as there has to be a reason, some underlying pay off for the eating.

Again for me it seems to come down to the expectations I have of myself, I have such high expectations and to be honest and logical they are completely un-achievable, things like expecting to be able to lift heavy weights quickly and to lose big numbers weight loss wise and to be within a health weight loss range. Due to my expectations being so high I am constantly failing, and so now I just believe I will fail. I hate the idea of failing and so it is easier for me to sabotage myself rather than risk failing. I know that seem stupid, but by sabotaging I am controlling the fact that I will fail so I don't have to fear it because I know it will happen.

The reality of this situation is that truthfully I am not failing, I am achieving, just not to the stupid level I expect of myself, things that I would never expect of anyone else. So how do I get myself to see that??

There were a few things that helped me to level myself out.

1.Coming to the realisation that as much as I hate to admit it what I eat is a choice, my head doesn't control me, nor does a craving. I have to take the time to think about what I want to put in my mouth and the reasons behind it. I can eat what ever I want to but is that really what I want to do. I like to think that my cravings control me and there are times when my cravings are so strong it becomes a physical thing and impacts on my mood and interactions with others. I let these feelings and cravings take control of me and I don't fight them.

2. A friend of mine sent me an email, that really spoke to me. "

What I'm trying to do is relax, stop thinking and just be, over thinking is definitely my big vice! Always going straight to the negative!! My friend who passed away last week uses to tell herself everyday that she's beautiful, courageous, inspirational etc she had a big list she had written down of all the things she is and her hubby read them all out at her funeral, it was the most amazing thing to hear someone speak like that of themselves coz it takes guts to believe in yourself like that and that is how I'm trying to live! You should try it too, life is too short to focus on all the negatives coz u are the only one who thinks it xxxxx "

Life really is to short and you never know what is around the corner. The idea of having a list of things I like about myself and of believing in myself  is so foreign to me because I don't, I find it really confronting to think of something good about myself and yet I am starting to see just how important this is.

3. I spent some time on a facebook page called smashfit. http://www.facebook.com/?sk=nf#!/SmashFit 

There were some posts on there that really struck a cord for me. I will share a couple.

• You have to get rid of the notion of DEPRIVATION.
  You are not deprived because ...you can't eat donuts, candy, or a big mac. I know you want them, but you don't need them.
  
  What you DEPRIVING yourself of, is that BODY you crave, the energy you try to coffee-up, and the health that keeps you going and glowing from every angle. I know the food tastes good and your taste"buds" are happy,but for the 10 minutes your buds get to be happy, your body has hours of filtering, digesting and *storing* to do. Do this over and over in one single day and your body won't be very happy with your "buds". Of course you should indulge from time to time, but not every day, all the time. Then you're just depriving yourself of your health.... and your best you.
  -Heather Frey
•  

  So you have MOTIVATION but feel weak on the willpower.
  
  That is, you're motivat...ed to workout but don't have the willpower to turn away dessert. To bring these two power sources together and turn them into one takes, well, motivation and willpower. BUT, if you have one, you certainly have the strength to conquer the other. At the center of your motivation is a GOAL, ie to get smaller, to get leaner, to build muscle, to run faster, etc. To conjure up your willpower, you have to *include* in your motivation package. You make yourself workout when you don't feel like it because you can envision what you want.
  
  Willpower is no different - you have to ENVISION what you want in the same way and know that turning down the donuts and passing on the pizza IS part of the goal. MOTIVATE yourself to walk away, make a better choice, or realize you're not even hungry.
  
  Here are 3 Simple ways to Wake Up Your Willpower:
  1. Pictures and/words. I've posted this before but it's a great brain-jolter - Put motivating words and/or pictures on your phone, in your purse, in your wallet, on your desk, in the kitchen, in your kids room, by the TV, wherever you think you might feel weak, post a reminder.
  
  2. Set your treat meal (or dessert) at the beginning of the week. It gives you something to look forward to and when you have it, there will be absolutely no guilt. That feeling alone is worth your willpower.
  
  3. See food as a means to your fabulous end! Don't let sugar, fat, salt and chemicals stand in the way who you truly are.
  
  -Heather Frey

So now that I have some idea on why I am struggling with food what am I going to do to try and address that.

 I have put a note on my phone to come up at 9am everyday that says "I am not controlled by food, I am worthy of everything I dream of. I will eat food that supports me to reach my goals."

 I feel like I need to spend a period of time each night focusing on what I have achieved for the day and the goals I have for the next day.

Challenge myself to try new things, to find my passion to start to feel and not hide myself away.

 To start my list of things I like about myself.

What happens when you decide not to actually feel

This post has been a long time in the making and I have been avoiding it as I didn't want to write these things down, I didn't want to face that this was what was actually going on, cos once I face it I have to address it and move on.

About 3 weeks ago as part of the challenge at the gym we did a fun run, you could do either 6 or 10km. Now this was on a Saturday morning along a main road along the beach, so lots and lots of traffic. In the week preceding this run I started to eat, just little bits here and there, nothing like it use to be. I didn't really think about it at the time, but when I look back on it, I was so scared all week. This "fun" run really got under my skin because of a few factors. It would be the first thing I had to do on my own, normally when I do something new there is one of the other girls from the group with me or Simon. I knew that one of the other amazing girls from the gym Lauren would be there, but Lauren is many KGs ahead of me on this road, she is one of my inspirations and I knew she would be running. I had never tried to do 6km, the week before I had only just managed to do 1km without stopping. Then there was the whole running on a main road thing, I still struggle with my head thinking what must other people think of me.

So basically I was scared and nervous, and rather than acknowledging that and moving thru it I ignored it, I didn't even decide for sure I would do the event until the night before when some of the girls from the group told me I should lol. If I had stopped and thought about this event and planned what I was going to do and how I was going to address it maybe I wouldn't have been eating to stop that horrible feeling welling up inside of me.

Now the eating didn't stop after this event finished. The next thing coming up was week 6 week weigh-in and measure. I didn't notice any of this stuff going on at the time, it is only as I look back that I see this stuff. What was worrying me in the lead up to this is that my good enough may not have been enough. I really had been good until we hit the fun run, and even then I was still rather constrained, only problem was it kept getting worse as I wasn't acknowledging my reasons. I really didn't know what I would do if this wasn't working, I have been trying so hard and working my butt of, and have given up so much time with Simon to do this plan and if it wasn't working what then. The idea that my best wasn't good enough was so frightening to me and so unsettling, the thought of failing really rocks me as I have so much invested and so many reasons for wanting this. Now if I had stopped I would have noticed the changes in my body and I would have been able to see that yes this is working, but again I didn't want to feel that horrible feeling.

Now I did get good results on my 6 week weigh-in, actually I was really happy, but still the eating didn't stop. Why didn't it stop? Well when I look back on it, it was because I didn't address anything, also because I didn't acknowledge what I had managed to do, I didn't rejoice in my achievements, I never challenged that negative thinking. Then this weekend just gone I completed the run for the kids 14.38km "fun" run. This ended up being a very negative event for me. Stupid isn't it, I actually started and finished 14.38km's and I couldn't be happy and proud of that.

I went into the event with no real goal, at least non that I was willing to verbalise. I wanted to do it in around 2 1/2 hours, I wanted to run as much as possible. I was going to try and keep up with an amazing friend Megan. I do alot of training with Megan and I love her sense of humour and her willingness to get in and give it ago, she amazes me with what she can do. So we start and I run with Megan, I even manage to run about 2 kms, which is so huge give that 3 weeks ago I only just managed to run 1km. Then I had to walk, my body really started to hurt and the next 12 km were a fight with my head. I need to say a huge thank you to another amazing lady Simone. Simone pushed herself so hard during the run, and really kicked some goals, but she still managed to stop and get me some jelly beans when I was having a massive blood sugar low, without her I don't think I would have finished. Now I did finish and I did it in 2 hours and 42 mins, and then I cried, not cos I was happy but because I didn't think it was good enough. Really I wish I could slap myself lol. Again I couldn't acknowledge the amazing achievement because I was so stuck in the negative.

Now this eating has continued and it has gotten worse, this week has been crap. I am worried now that I have done damage to my achievements so far and that I will have put on the weight I have lost. I am worried that I wont be able to pull it back it. I am still slightly stuck in that negative.

This blog post for me is about getting it out and stopping the negative. I don't have to be strong, I don't have to be the best, I am allowed to be scared I just need to do it anyway.

I don't really know how I get back to where I need to be, one day at a time I guess. I am thinking I need to pack my food the night before hand and have it ready. I also think I need to go back to not having any money, that way I can't go to the shop. Next is the hard part, how do I actually address my feelings. While all of this was going on I didn't notice it, it wasn't until after the event that I was able to look back and see that is how and why I was feeling and doing. So it seems to come back to being mindful and actually living in the moment. I did a Tai Chi class this week which I found really helped to clear my head and to allow me to find some clarity and space within my head. I am going to have to try some meditation/ yoga/ Tai Chi much more regularly I would like to build up to every day as I feel this would give me some space to actually feel what I need to and the clarity my mind seeks.

I am still struggling cos I am eating but I am acknowledging and I am trying to address and feel.

I have added some comparison pics from my 1st 6  weeks.

You 1st have to love yourself

This a statement I have heard so many times, if you want to lose weight you have to love yourself. Now for me as an overweight person, or fat chick as I often say the thought of loving myself was just horrible, I hated myself, I was fat, disgusting, lazy, useless, no good etc etc. These thought patterns were/are constant in my head and they are the words I use when talking about myself, so how can you love someone that is such a bad person, because that is what I thought I was.

What I realised today is that every one of those things I think about myself, the way I was defining myself, the things I was using to rate how much I loved myself are things I am/do not actually who I am. Loving myself is about who I am, my actual personality. The problem is that for such a long time I haven't use my personality to gauge my worth as a person, I am not really sure who or what my personality is.

Once I realised that to love myself is about my personality not about how I look, I was some what dumbfounded at the simplicity of it and yet this is something that has held me back for such a long time. me being fat doesn't not define who I am, the fact that I have empathy say so much more about me. Now while this statement may be simplistic, I am not so sure putting it into action will be quite so simple. So I am going to start with a list of the personality  traits that I really like about myself.

Weightloss is such a head game

Well it is now the start of the 3rd week with the transformation challenge I am doing at the gym. I do 2 sessions of heavy weights each week and then 2 classes, boot camp, a session run by the gym as part of the challenge and then a couple of walks. I am finding this generally fits in well with my life and I don't mind doing all of these things. Although I must admit, last Tuesday was a Tabata class, and I had nightmares about it and didn't sleep very well for about 2 hours before hand, and if I am honest I can't really say I am looking forward to it this week, but oh well lol.

So everything is going quite well, food is not to bad, I am doing 6 meals a day, protein and omega 3 at every meal, then bulk with veggies or salad or fruit at every meal. I am slowly getting my head around this and Simon has been great and made me some muffin things with flax and protein in them with no sugar. It is nice to be able to have a treat and know you are not undoing all your good work. I am only drinking decaf coffee and herbal tea, although I will have the occasional tea when out at friends. Water I am trying to keep to 3 ltrs a day, but this I really struggle with.

Exercise is going really well, I am now up to 210Kg on the leg press and 120 on a single leg press, I increase my weights every week and keep pushing myself. Arms are slowly improving but I find them a much bigger struggle than I do legs. I am finding that in my classes and also boot camp, I am able to push myself a little further each time and I am getting stronger at pushing thru, although I don't always manage as much as I want to. On Saturday we did the 1000 steps, something I haven't done for a few months now, and I ended up cutting about 20 mins off my time, even with adding the extra track to one tree hill at the top. So proud of that effort, although I still think I can push harder, my average heart rate was only 127ish. When I got to the top of the stairs one of the amazing girls who is also doing the challenge, Sandie, was waiting at the top for me, she was cheering me on and telling me to run, so I ran the last little bit. It meant to much to me to have her there cheering me on.

I am losing weight, in the 1st week I lost 2 kgs and was really happy with that. So I thought I would do a sneaky weigh in on the weekend and was so happy to have lost another 1.3 so I was 130.8, then this morning I am back up only having lost .6 this week. I can notice already the change in my body shape and the increase in definition and yet my head still struggles.

Losing weight is not an easy thing, and motivation doesn't last for very long, and there is always that horrible little voice, Mr Chatty in the back of your head telling you to give up and stop. It is so easy to fall down and not get back up, having to fight these things every days is often really hard and draining. I want there to be a big pay off, I want it to happen quickly, I want the reward. Simon said to me today but this is a for life thing, and I said that's fine, it wont matter when I am thin, I will be able to do it and not get frustrated as I am not doing it to lose weight then, not sure if that will be the case when I get there but that is how it works in my head. Again I am letting myself be defined by a number, I am struggling with the fact that I am being so consistent with my exercise and so good with my food and it is still not happening quickly.

So today is one of those days where I am feeling less that inspired and less than happy with where things are, but that doesn't mean I am going to stop what I am doing, I will keep working, I will keep my chin up. This is where the mind comes in, for me I have to really pull myself up and focus again on the improvements in my life and also my body, I have to actually remind myself of how far I have come, not how far I have to go. When I am doing my best and pushing myself then that is all that matters.

I am proud of the fact that I can now just let these emotions be there, know it is ok, I am frustrated, because this is something I really want, and I can just let it flow over me. I will not let it overtake me or derail me, I will not let these emotions have my power. I will keep on keeping on, pull those big girl pants up and push harder.

Pay it forward and I am not your step up in life..

These two topics have been on my mind of late. I think both are so very relevant to my journey at the moment.

Pay it forward is something I feel very strongly about. I know there are so many people who struggle with weight, and I think we beat ourselves up thinking we are the only ones who feel the way we do, when in fact there are so many other people who feel that way as well.

Through my journey so far there have been so many people who have been supportive of me and have helped to shape me and my journey, I only hope that I am able to give that support to another person. I have this need to support other people who are trudging this path of self discovery. This for me is so much more than just weight loss, for the weight loss to happen I have to have my mindset in the right space and I also have to have me as a priority, I have to value myself enough to put myself forward. I know for myself I have tried so many times to loose weight without involving those other factors, I worked on the if I just eat right, if I just moved more it would all happen and everything would be wonderful. Well it never worked and all that ended up happening is I felt worse about myself. I want to share the things I have learn, I want to pay it forward and help others to maybe not struggle as much as I have. I am not really sure how I will do this. Currently there is a facebook group that I am very active in, I started it at the start of the last round of 12WBT. I hope to be able to encourage and support the people in that group. I will have to think about how I pay it forward on a bigger level.

I really hope that everyone else feels that paying it forward is important, and I hope to see the changes in them and those they are supporting. It really is amazing to share of yourself without expecting anything and without reserve to support another person.

The other part of today's post is I am not your step up in life. As I continue to work through things and come to discover myself more and more I have begun to realise I will let people walk all over me, I will keep my mouth shut even when I think there is something that should be said. Previously I have done this as I have been to scared, worried that I might offend someone and that they might not like me. I am beginning to realise I don't have to be everyone steps, it is important for me to say how I am feeling, I would go as far as to say it is imperative for me to be true to me and voice my opinions. That doesn't mean I think everyone should think the same as me, and when I voice my opinions it should be done with honour and respect of the beliefs of those around me.

This is something I still struggle with, I am working on it and I will continue to work on it everyday. I do not need to be worried about what others think of me. If someone doesn't like me, that is their choice and lets be real about it I do not need them in my life, they can take their path and I can take mine, but they do not have the power to influence me or my journey in any way that I do not want them to.

What do I want to be when I grow up??

I have been thinking about this topic a lot lately. I have worked in the disability field for about 16 odd years and have a University degree in said field. I have also done a professional photography course. I have also started to do a naturapath course, but didn't get very far with it.

I don't want to go back to disability, it was a field I went into because I really didn't know what else to do. Disability is/was my mum's passion, and when I was younger I worked in the field to help her out when she had surgery and then once I moved out of home that was the only job I have ever had so I just stayed there. I don't really enjoy the field, I feel over taken emotionally by it and I struggle with the concept of having to fight the system at every step to get the best possible outcome you can for another person, when you know that still wont be enough.

The only thing I ever really wanted to do was photography, but I never really did. I did do a course when I first left high school and then after that I just stopped taking photos. I never really had any idea what I wanted to be when I grew up, I still struggle with that concept. I have started with photography again and I have done a little bit. I worry that maybe my skills aren't good enough anymore because I haven't been practising and I seem to be so far behind the pack, and to be honest people really don't seem interested in getting photos done with me. So I am not sure if that is as a result of my photos not being as good as they could be, or because I haven't really put myself out there enough.

The only other area that has sparked a small amount of interest is something like counselling or maybe a life coach, I would love to be able to help others work thru the stuff I am working thru now.

It concerns me that I am not sure what I want to do, I will have to go back to work at the latest when Jhett starts school, but maybe before then, particularly if we want to get a head financially. So do I need to go do some study, do I need to just practise more with the photography and put myself out there more. What I really wanted to do was black and white photos that were hand coloured, that would be such a niche market, I don't even know that there is any point.

So I sit here feeling very directionless. There is a part of me that is starting to thing, as I write this post that maybe just maybe what I need to do is start taking photos every day and go back to practising my skills, become friends with my camera and then put together some advertising packages and give them out to local school etc etc. Maybe I don't feel the passion as I am to scared to really give into it in case I fail.

Fuck it, I want to be a photographer. I will be friends with my camera every day. I will take part in the photography comps that I know of. I will post on my business page on facebook everyday.

The 3 c's and being a flounder

I have really been struggling of late with a few things and my mind is still a little puzzled so I have had trouble deciding what I wanted to post.

I have decided to post about the 3 C's as it is something that has been very close to my heart for the last few weeks. The 3C's refers to coke zero, chocolate and coffee, actually a large Gloria Jeans white Chocolate mocha. I use to have these things regularly, coke and choc was daily and the coffee was at least 3 times a week. That is a massive amount of food I was putting into my body on top of everything else I ate. These products impacted me nutritionally, I am addicted to them and they have become my coping mechanism with a lot of issues, they have also caused me to have teeth issues due to all the sugar.

It was and still is such a difficult thing to give these things up. I am currently struggling and very much want Chocolate. Life is not to bad but I am feeling rather conflicted about some stuff that is happening at the moment, I will post about it when I have worked in through in my head. Simon is back at work and I am board. Then there is the floundering, but I will get to that in a minute.

I have not had the 3 C's for 3 and a half weeks now, and I am very proud of that, it is such a difficult thing at times. For me it is all about the conscious decision to not have those things, and when I have over eaten or eaten the wrong thing of late it has been a decision to do it, I know that may seem strange but for me the big thing is that this is controlled, I haven't just done this without thinking. So it is a step forward, and that is all I can focus on.

Now lets move on to the floundering....
I really feel like I am in limbo a little. I am finding it really difficult to the be happy for everyone else with their weight loss as mine just isn't happening. I feel horrible that I am jealous of them, and then I begin to doubt myself, maybe I am just not strong enough to stick to the menu plan. So many others seem to be able to do it and seem to be getting really good results. I had a measurement done at the gym the other day and from memory the last one would have been at least 6 weeks ago and I have lost 10 Cm's over all, 4 off my waist, so yes it is moving but man how slow can it go. Also I have lost more muscle which is so not what I want to happen. I am so not sure what to do or where to go from here.

I am so much fitter but I don't want to be the fat fit girl. I want to be a health weight and I want to be toned and I want to be able to buy the clothes I like. I want to be able to feel happy for everyone who is losing weight, and not feel bitter cos they are doing something that I don't seem to be able to do.

So when we come to the crunch is it just a case of I didn't follow an eating plan well enough. Am I still eating to much of the wrong stuff, are my portions wrong. I struggle with the concept of having to count calories and weigh everything for the rest of my life. We are exploring the fail-safe diet for the kids and see if that helps Jhett with a few of his issues, so as a family this will change the way we eat, so that may have some level of impact on my eating pattern.

12 WBT

I thought it was about time I talked about the 12WBT program, I think from memory I commented earlier that I was still coming to terms with the fact that while I didn't get what I wanted out of the program I may have got what I needed. I think I have also touched on this in my old blog.

When I went into the last round of the 12wbt program I expected to lose over 20kgs, I was (still am) a big girl and I was sure I would be one of those people who lost over 20 % of their body weight. It didn't happen that way. I could have been better with food, I really don't know how people my size manage to stick to the 1200 cals and not feel deprived or come to resent the food they are eating. I did become very angry at food, and I was feeling so deprived, hungry and disillusioned all the time. I am not sure that I was ever successful at staying on the 1200 for more than a couple of days. I have increased my daily cals and I don't count as religiously as I could, for me currently that fits better with my life and also my head space. This is something I will continue to monitor and revise when and if I need to.

I think one of my other issues is I didn't exercise everyday. With my previous heart rate monitor i was still doing over a thousand cals in a session, so I didn't push myself to go everyday. I would think well this combat class is over 1000 so it wont matter if I don't do anything today. Since I have my new heart rate monitor (that will have its own post soon). I am only doing about 500 in a class, so I am beginning to realise I actually have to work harder. I did a 2 hour boot camp today and did just over 1000 and I worked my ample butt off to get to that.

So in the end I lost 21cms over my body and about 6 kgs, which is so far from what I wanted/thought I would achieve, for a long time I was very disheartened by this. It became a reflection of my self worth, I decided I just wasn't good enough.

When I look back over the 12 weeks I am starting to realise what I did actually achieve and receive and that for me those things were so much more important and that without them weight loss would not be a possibility. The things that I got out of the 12 weeks were first and foremost an amazing group of friends who I think of more like my family now, I don't know what I would have done without the support of these amazing ladies, there is always someone there with a kind word, I hand up or even a kick up the butt. A realisation that I am not the horrible person I tell myself I am, and that I can be a very valued member of a group. That I can actually be nice to myself and that I am so much stronger than I ever believed possible, that I can do things I don't think I can and that it is OK to give something my best shot and even if I don't make it all the way as long as I try my hardest/best that is all that matters.

I think these things were so needed for me to be able to even consider actually adapting my lifestyle to be that of a fit and healthy person. While I am still disappointed at times that I didn't achieve my goals I am so amazed at my growth and development over the last few months, I am so proud of the fact that I am continuing to work on my head space as well as my weight loss.

Food is fuel but why does it mean something different to me

So I want to talk about food. I mentioned earlier that food is fuel for the body, and yet why do I tend to only put in the crap.

I have a sweet tooth that is off the chart, and I have some texture cravings as well. I love chocolate so very very much. I was eating it everyday and more than once a day. I feel like I have to have it to survive and the thoughts of what ever I am craving consume me to the point where I can't think of anything else, my mood changes and I basically become a bitch.

OK so food obviously serves a purpose for me, I hide behind it, and use to to suppress my feelings but I also use it to get satisfaction. I talked about my emotional disconnection and what is so scary about a feeling in previous posts and highlighted that I use food to not feel, so I don't actually get satisfaction from anything and food gives that to me. Rather than enjoying life and its moments I enjoy food and that rush I get from the sugars.

So why is this how I use food, I have been thinking about that today, (This blog things is making me take some long hard looks at myself and it is very confronting) it comes back to the times when I think I was the happiest; during family gatherings, and the central part of these family gatherings was always food. I loved these times when we would all sit around the table and talk and laugh. I also remember when I was younger I would find money and go to the milk bar across the road and get lollies, I would do this when I was home from school sick and mum wasn't around. even back then I was hiding my food habits. I am really not sure why I felt the need to do this, we did have lollies and things when we were younger. I can remember so many different times when I would do things just looking for the sweet fix. I have been doing some reading of late and I am starting to wonder if some of my sweet tooth issues come from some hormone/chemical type inbalances in my body and my emotional eating is just making those things worse. This doesn't diminish the fact that the things I choose to eat are just that the things I choose to eat.

I continue to try to remember food is just a fuel for my body, some days I win some days I don't. I am beginning to notice the days I don't seem to be when I haven't drunk enough water. I am sure over time it will get easier, it is currently still a struggle ever day. I haven't had any chocolate for about 10 days now, I have had some sweet things and I am finding I still have the cravings, sometimes I give in sometimes I don't. I am starting to learn I don't need the food to be able to survive the day, the feeling, the event, I am starting to learn to feel and release.

There is also a small part of me (getting smaller by the day) the thinks I am not worth the good food. Someone who is such a failure and a nobody does not deserve good food. That evil little voice yet again. I logically know that is not the case and I am trying very hard to believe that emotionally and most days I am better at it. Simon and I have recently been seeing a counsellor and one of the things he said to be was try talking to yourself like you would talk to another person, that has helped. One of the amazing ladies I meet thru 12wbt program also had some amazing advice which has really helped
The negative voice is called Mr Chatty and this is a technique her daughter had been given "His name is Mr Chatty and he is always around. She has learned to acknowledge he is there and accept that he will always want to have his say but she doesn't always have to listen to him. She tells him exactly that. I know you are sitting on my shoulder talking to me but I have this under control thanks, I am capable of completing this task so butt out!. Realising you have that talk going on is a huge step to being able to live alongside it - it will probably never leave you, but you will learn over time to ignore it when you need to or hang on to it as well if the occasion arises." Thankyou so much Karen.

Why is a feeling so scary

My previous post bought up some other issues for me. The one that really jumped out at me was why am I so scared to feel.

I am not really sure, I have been pondering this and I am leaning towards a control thing. I have lived my life trying to be this person I thought everyone expected me to be, part of that was being the level one the one who everyone could turn to. So maybe for me the thought of a feeling just doesn't allow me to be that person.

I don't remember much about my childhood, I do remember feeling things very strongly and that it hurt and I would end up in a bit of a state because I just didn't know what to do with that feeling. Mum said when I was little I was often very upset and hard to console. I can also remember my grandmother having to sit and try and calm me when I had to go to bed as I would be almost hysterical.

I think I am scared of not being able to control it if I let it go, I feel like I am being overwhelmed and yet I am not sure how to cope with it. What if I don't have to cope with it, what if I just let that feeling be and let it wash over me and leave?

The thought of being open to a feeling means I am left vulnerable, I am open to attack and from being hurt again. I know from the times I have been caught of guard I feel deeply, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, that feeling takes over me and I feel that emotion so strongly that it takes my breath away. So why do i think that is wrong, why should I be able to be the person who does that. Yes there will be times I get hurt, but I have been hurt before and I have survived it, in many cases I have learnt from it and even moved forward.

Sitting here writing I feel such sadness inside of me. I am determined to replace that with happiness and a hunger to live my life to the fullest.

Who am I really

One thing that I have really noticed of late is that I am very emotionally disconnected from myself and how I actually feel. Logically I can tell you where my issues lie and the things that I think many of my issues stem from, you would think then I would be able to address that and change it. The problem is because I don't connect to it emotionally it doesn't actually mean anything to me.

I am starting to realise that I actually don't know who I am underneath everything. So much of my personality is a result of me doing the things I thought were expected and required, not the things I love, and now I have no idea what it is I actually love.

When I start to probe this subject with myself I begin to understand that for me the thought of being emotionally connect to myself is so daunting that I am not sure I am strong enough to do it. To force myself to actually feel things, I am not sure I know how to process a feeling because I spend so much time eating to stop them, how do I deal with them if I don't eat them away. Also I actually have to start to look at me and try and find my passion, the things that make my soul hum, the parts of the day that make it shine for you. I am so worried that I don't have that, because I don't know what those things are for me. What if I don't like who I am.

Unfortunately I have come to the realisation that to be successful in this weight loss journey I am going to have to start to pull back those layers, feel the feelings and put myself out there. It is also becoming apparent that unless I start to connect with myself and actually start to live my life by being in the moment, by noticing the little things, by feeling the hum of my soul when I am passionate I will have a very mundane boring and ultimately unfulfilled life.

This disconnecting from myself is part of my safety net, it stops me from having to hear that little voice that is always telling me I am not good, hopeless, can't do anything right. It is what stops me from feeling the pain that seems to be buried deep within because I don't feel like I have ever been good enough, because I am not perfect. I have this unrealistic thought process that goes along the lines of "If I was just better that wouldn't have happened", for example if I was a better daughter my mum and dad would have stayed together, they split up when I was 3. These are things I would never expect of anyone else, so why do I expect them of me? Why do I demand that I am 100% perfect, and nothing else is acceptable, without that level of perfection I am nothing.

So how do you begin to feel, to peel back the layers and actually let yourself be raw to the experience, to the moment? I am still trying to work that out, I have started by not eating those feelings, and by putting these thoughts and feelings on this blog, I am challenging those thought, I am trying to re-wire those thinking patterns, I am aware of what I do and I am trying to stop it.

Last night I was so frustrated with the kids, and feeling very stressed and I was starting to yell and snap and generally be nasty to them, normally I would go and eat and that would calm the situation. I didn't yesterday, we went for a walk it didn't help I came back stressed/angry still and the night didn't get any better. I woke up still in a bad mood. I hate that I get like that, that I am nasty to the kids.

So what do I do and what have I learnt. Well I have learnt, I still dont let those feelings bubble up to the surface and actually feel them and let them go, I try and hold them down and I feel like I am just bubbling away costantly about to burst. It is that constant bubbling that makes it worse and prolonges it. I need to find a way to let those feelings go. I am not sure what I do now, I know I have to try something different, maybe I need to actually identify what I am feeling and how that is manifesting, maybe I need to walk away from the kids for 5 mins and let it wash over me, then do something physical, box, run around the backyard. So now I fight to break the cycle to make myself feel.

Weight loss

Well weight loss, its something that dominates the lives of so many of us, and something that will probably be a prominent feature of this blog.

In may this year I started trying to lose weight AGAIN. I have been overweight for such a long time, I have not been thin since before puberty. I don't remember a time when I was happy with my skin and what it looked like. I also don't remember a time when I was ever successful at this whole weight loss crap.

I am not sure what was different this time, or why I decided to try AGAIN, but I did. I am currently still going. I have completed 1 round of Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation program. I didn't get what I wanted out of this program, I am still struggling with the concept that maybe I got what I needed.

I have and still do struggle every single day with my weight, and what is the right thing to do to lose weight. I am currently using the Symply too good too be true books and trying to see and use food for what it is, a fuel source for my body, nothing more nothing less. That is such a foreign concept for me, food is what I use to stop me from feeling anything and everything, from living in the minute.

I am trying to engage myself in a range of physical activities. I hate physical activities, it makes me so uncomfortable and self conscious. I have never been good at it, I always came last, no one ever wanted me on their team and I was very very un-coordinated. When I think about the fact that no-one ever wanted me on their teams it makes me so sad, I just felt like I was a nothing, I useless nobody. No one should feel like that when they are a little kid. So i push myself to go to the gym, and I do a boot camp outside, where other people can see me. I have to make my head acknowledge that this is not about them, it is about me and bugger anyone who thinks negative thoughts about me, they don't mean anything to me anyway so why do I care.

Currently I am working on not stepping on the scales, the scales really mess with my head. If the number is not what I want to hear/see I go off the rails. It can force me into such a downward spiral, it is just not worth it. During my recent travels I have been told from a few different sources that it can take a little while for the body to respond when you make some changes, sometimes up to 4 weeks. So then why would I step on the scales, knowing that if its not what I want I am going to eat something. My clothes are loser and my body shape is changing, my arse is not as flat and pitted lol, it is more round now and a little smoother.

There is so much of my life that is impacted and even dictated by my weight and how much I have let that part of me shape the rest of me and my life. I don't want that any more I want my life back, I am just not really sure who I am underneath all of this.

Who, What , Why and Where

All are such hard questions.

This blog is about me, my life and my struggles to find who I am and to be the best version of me possible.
My name is Danielle, I am 33. I have 4 children and 2 step-children. I have 2 ex-husbands and I have been overweight all my life. I am intelligent, university trained and very good at the profession I am trained in. I am caring and generous often to the detriment of myself. I hate conflict. My parents are divorced, my step-father died when he was 39, my mother has remarried. My father recently remarried. i am currently trying to start my own photography business, but it is not really going any where.

This blog came about because I have another blog that started as a way to stay on track with my weight loss, but it didn't really have any purpose and it didn't fulfil the need I had. Feel free to pop over and review my other blog there are some before and after photos and some posts about my travels so far. http://rollerderbyhereicome.blogspot.com/ This blog is also linked to some bad memories and I wanted to move away from them and not have them there as a constant reminder.

I want this blog to be a place where I can post about my trials with weight loss, but also my life in general. I have never been a diary person but maybe it will help me to untangle the mess that is my thoughts. It may end up all over the place, so I apologise in advance.