Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Reality and feeling the funk

I feel like I need to apologies, I have been playing a huge game of back and forth, of saying I am going to do this, of saying I am committed and then running away and doing the exact opposite. At the time I didn't even realize this was what I was doing. I demanded a certain level from myself and I haven't been able to give that and so I have hidden from everyone including myself.
Perfection can never be achieved when you are expecting a godlike performance.

As part of my life coach training I have been doing NLP, and as part of that we explored limited beliefs. What this identified for me was a very in-ground feeling of worthlessness, not being good enough and a failure. When I started to go back and look over things I began to see that because I had this belief about myself I actually did things to make sure I was a failure, and there was no need for me to try at anything as I was a failure, so I would never achieve anyway. This thought process had dictated so much of my life and what I had done.

This training has given me a chance to review so much about myself and to address some things that were really holding me back. I have taken steps to address these issues and on the whole I actually feel rather ok emotionally.

So if I have dealt with that stuff what is going on now........

To be honest fucked if I know.

I am struggling with Jhett not sleeping and that has made my exercise routine take a flying leap. I have also found that lately my body is really suffering, and I have lots of aches and pains.

What I am trying to do is not run away and hide, to be open honest and put it out there, and to be honest I am not feeling motivated at all.

I am continuing to work on my head stuff, I have my goal up and visible, I have my daily mantra and I am working on being mindful. I have set myself a challenge to start doing some hula hooping, lol. I have wanted to for awhile, but always put it off. Also it is meant to be very good for helping to loosen up back muscles, so that can only be a good thing.

I am working at getting back involved, sharing this journey is what is important to me, I find it to be so motivation, inspiring and also fulfilling, so this is the start of me getting back under way.

Currently I have a food plan to follow, I haven't been following it. There is a part of me that feels I need to do my own stuff, and a part of me that doesn't trust myself to do my own stuff. Space is something that is lacking in my brain at times, and I have made the decision to continue to follow this program thru to the end, so I dont have to think and so I can say I finished something.

I have gained back about 14kgs and I struggle with that, I feel very defined by my weight and also my lack of success. I have allowed it to have power over me as I have tried to hide from it and ignore the fact that this is my reality. I have used excuses and backed out of doing things I would normally do. Its time to put my foot down this is my reality and my funk is well and truly happening, but it will not stop me. I will beat it.

I struggle with this journey as I feel like there is no path that works for me and that the stairs are miles apart and I can't take a step that is that big. I struggle to trust that it is ok to make a mistake, that it is ok to not know and that it is ok to just be in the right here and right now.

There is not a lot of answers here, I am muddled, and somewhat frustrated and also feeling a little pushed aside by people I thought actually had my back. Now these are my issues, my interpretation of the events, so I will allow the wallowing tonight but it will be gone in the morning.

There will be answers and direction in the morning.