Wednesday, 28 November 2012

Monday, 26 November 2012

I am scared

I am no longer going to be living the negative, I am going to focus on the positive, but I need to have this out.

I am so scared of not being able to do this, I am so scared that it wont work and I will have to accept something I don't want to. I am scared of disappointing people, I am scared of getting sick.

I am scared of what my life would be like if I lost weight, I don't know a life without a shield to hide behind, I feel vulnerable, and small.

Getting myself sorted

So I talked about putting everything together that I have said I should do, so here it is:

  • Organize each day, know my meals and pack my snacks and lunch
  • Ground myself everyday, for me this means spending approx 10 mins with my bare feet on the ground, focusing on the day and what is important to me, what I am grateful for and who I am
  • Develop a goal and reward system
  • Be proud of my achievements for the week
  • Water Water and more water.
  • Review what I am thankful for in the day/ Gratitude diary.
  • Daily Mantra

I was so sure there was so much more, so in all honest I have just been living my excuses, I haven't even been looking for ways to overcome them.

So I am going to try and focus on these things, and take it one step at a time. I have done a shop and I even ate a lunch, that meets all my requirements.

Saturday, 24 November 2012

When your butt doesn't fit

I started today with boot camp and boxing, and I had attitude, princess attitude lol. I was so frustrated with myself as it is so obvious to me how much fitness I have lost recently, I am annoyed that I have allowed myself to sink back into the pit of unhealthy-ness I find myself in once again.

This afternoon it was Alexy's first dance concert, they performed on Thursday night as well, I didn't watch Thursday, rather I helped out the back. Today I was all excited to see her perform, and I sit down in the seat and bugger my butt doesn't fit, that may not be quite what I thought lol. Again that feeling of disgust, failure dread and the tears where there ready to go.

Somewhere this afternoon I decided that I will not be beaten and I am only human, I will slip up, oh well so what pick up lets go and move on. I will not allow myself to be consumed and stopped by the negative, it is now on my list of reasons I want to be healthy, I will use it to motivate me so I don't have to feel this again.

Tomorrow morning I have the last fitness test for the challenge with Matt Silk, I am aware that this is not going to be pretty, I have allowed  my excuses to take control lately and have not achieved any of the things I set out to at the start of this 12 weeks. So tomorrow is the bench mark for me to get healthy from, it will not be a negative for me, I can choose to wallow in the fact that I have not used my time to achieve what I want, or I can use the time coming up to achieve what I want. Seems rather straight forward when you think of it that way.

Wednesday, 21 November 2012

5 days.....then it falls apart

I would hate to be my life coach, I don't do any of the things I say I will, I don't do anything of the things I think I need to do to help me move on from being controlled by food and my eating habits.

I did so well for 5 days and then crapola, there doesn't seem to be any real reason, other than organization and planning. The days are different and more things happen and I find it harder to be on top of it all. Since it has gone to crap I have made no effort to bring it back into line. Then the bulk of the family caught Gastro. I seemed to get a bad run, and for about 4 or 5 days I didn't eat much, other than bread, then last night another gall stone attack, that's two in about two weeks.I haven't had an attack for such a long time, and this one stopped me from going to bootcamp. My body is all over the place, it doesn't know if it is Arthur or Martha.

I have done this to myself,  I have used enough excuses to sink a battle ship, even my excuses have excuses. I have hidden, I have run away and most of all I have made my body unhealthy. Matt Silk posted on Facebook this morning, and it really struck a cord with me and made me acknowledge some stuff.
 "cut the BS & excuses ... Just do it!!!"

After last night, I have changed my focus to health and supporting my body. Weight loss can no longer be my focus, it doesn't make me look after my body, often it makes me fight against and punish my body. It is never about feeling better, it is always about going further, lifting more and getting smaller. Feels like I have missed the point.

So given how bad I am at following my own advice, I have decided to go back thru all my posts and write it all in one spot. See where that goes, and what I need to do, but there is not more BS and excuses, now it is just about being healthy.