Tuesday, 31 January 2012

The 3 c's and being a flounder

I have really been struggling of late with a few things and my mind is still a little puzzled so I have had trouble deciding what I wanted to post.

I have decided to post about the 3 C's as it is something that has been very close to my heart for the last few weeks. The 3C's refers to coke zero, chocolate and coffee, actually a large Gloria Jeans white Chocolate mocha. I use to have these things regularly, coke and choc was daily and the coffee was at least 3 times a week. That is a massive amount of food I was putting into my body on top of everything else I ate. These products impacted me nutritionally, I am addicted to them and they have become my coping mechanism with a lot of issues, they have also caused me to have teeth issues due to all the sugar.

It was and still is such a difficult thing to give these things up. I am currently struggling and very much want Chocolate. Life is not to bad but I am feeling rather conflicted about some stuff that is happening at the moment, I will post about it when I have worked in through in my head. Simon is back at work and I am board. Then there is the floundering, but I will get to that in a minute.

I have not had the 3 C's for 3 and a half weeks now, and I am very proud of that, it is such a difficult thing at times. For me it is all about the conscious decision to not have those things, and when I have over eaten or eaten the wrong thing of late it has been a decision to do it, I know that may seem strange but for me the big thing is that this is controlled, I haven't just done this without thinking. So it is a step forward, and that is all I can focus on.

Now lets move on to the floundering....
I really feel like I am in limbo a little. I am finding it really difficult to the be happy for everyone else with their weight loss as mine just isn't happening. I feel horrible that I am jealous of them, and then I begin to doubt myself, maybe I am just not strong enough to stick to the menu plan. So many others seem to be able to do it and seem to be getting really good results. I had a measurement done at the gym the other day and from memory the last one would have been at least 6 weeks ago and I have lost 10 Cm's over all, 4 off my waist, so yes it is moving but man how slow can it go. Also I have lost more muscle which is so not what I want to happen. I am so not sure what to do or where to go from here.

I am so much fitter but I don't want to be the fat fit girl. I want to be a health weight and I want to be toned and I want to be able to buy the clothes I like. I want to be able to feel happy for everyone who is losing weight, and not feel bitter cos they are doing something that I don't seem to be able to do.

So when we come to the crunch is it just a case of I didn't follow an eating plan well enough. Am I still eating to much of the wrong stuff, are my portions wrong. I struggle with the concept of having to count calories and weigh everything for the rest of my life. We are exploring the fail-safe diet for the kids and see if that helps Jhett with a few of his issues, so as a family this will change the way we eat, so that may have some level of impact on my eating pattern.

Wednesday, 25 January 2012

12 WBT

I thought it was about time I talked about the 12WBT program, I think from memory I commented earlier that I was still coming to terms with the fact that while I didn't get what I wanted out of the program I may have got what I needed. I think I have also touched on this in my old blog.

When I went into the last round of the 12wbt program I expected to lose over 20kgs, I was (still am) a big girl and I was sure I would be one of those people who lost over 20 % of their body weight. It didn't happen that way. I could have been better with food, I really don't know how people my size manage to stick to the 1200 cals and not feel deprived or come to resent the food they are eating. I did become very angry at food, and I was feeling so deprived, hungry and disillusioned all the time. I am not sure that I was ever successful at staying on the 1200 for more than a couple of days. I have increased my daily cals and I don't count as religiously as I could, for me currently that fits better with my life and also my head space. This is something I will continue to monitor and revise when and if I need to.

I think one of my other issues is I didn't exercise everyday. With my previous heart rate monitor i was still doing over a thousand cals in a session, so I didn't push myself to go everyday. I would think well this combat class is over 1000 so it wont matter if I don't do anything today. Since I have my new heart rate monitor (that will have its own post soon). I am only doing about 500 in a class, so I am beginning to realise I actually have to work harder. I did a 2 hour boot camp today and did just over 1000 and I worked my ample butt off to get to that.

So in the end I lost 21cms over my body and about 6 kgs, which is so far from what I wanted/thought I would achieve, for a long time I was very disheartened by this. It became a reflection of my self worth, I decided I just wasn't good enough.

When I look back over the 12 weeks I am starting to realise what I did actually achieve and receive and that for me those things were so much more important and that without them weight loss would not be a possibility. The things that I got out of the 12 weeks were first and foremost an amazing group of friends who I think of more like my family now, I don't know what I would have done without the support of these amazing ladies, there is always someone there with a kind word, I hand up or even a kick up the butt. A realisation that I am not the horrible person I tell myself I am, and that I can be a very valued member of a group. That I can actually be nice to myself and that I am so much stronger than I ever believed possible, that I can do things I don't think I can and that it is OK to give something my best shot and even if I don't make it all the way as long as I try my hardest/best that is all that matters.

I think these things were so needed for me to be able to even consider actually adapting my lifestyle to be that of a fit and healthy person. While I am still disappointed at times that I didn't achieve my goals I am so amazed at my growth and development over the last few months, I am so proud of the fact that I am continuing to work on my head space as well as my weight loss.

Thursday, 19 January 2012

Food is fuel but why does it mean something different to me

So I want to talk about food. I mentioned earlier that food is fuel for the body, and yet why do I tend to only put in the crap.

I have a sweet tooth that is off the chart, and I have some texture cravings as well. I love chocolate so very very much. I was eating it everyday and more than once a day. I feel like I have to have it to survive and the thoughts of what ever I am craving consume me to the point where I can't think of anything else, my mood changes and I basically become a bitch.

OK so food obviously serves a purpose for me, I hide behind it, and use to to suppress my feelings but I also use it to get satisfaction. I talked about my emotional disconnection and what is so scary about a feeling in previous posts and highlighted that I use food to not feel, so I don't actually get satisfaction from anything and food gives that to me. Rather than enjoying life and its moments I enjoy food and that rush I get from the sugars.

So why is this how I use food, I have been thinking about that today, (This blog things is making me take some long hard looks at myself and it is very confronting) it comes back to the times when I think I was the happiest; during family gatherings, and the central part of these family gatherings was always food. I loved these times when we would all sit around the table and talk and laugh. I also remember when I was younger I would find money and go to the milk bar across the road and get lollies, I would do this when I was home from school sick and mum wasn't around. even back then I was hiding my food habits. I am really not sure why I felt the need to do this, we did have lollies and things when we were younger. I can remember so many different times when I would do things just looking for the sweet fix. I have been doing some reading of late and I am starting to wonder if some of my sweet tooth issues come from some hormone/chemical type inbalances in my body and my emotional eating is just making those things worse. This doesn't diminish the fact that the things I choose to eat are just that the things I choose to eat.

I continue to try to remember food is just a fuel for my body, some days I win some days I don't. I am beginning to notice the days I don't seem to be when I haven't drunk enough water. I am sure over time it will get easier, it is currently still a struggle ever day. I haven't had any chocolate for about 10 days now, I have had some sweet things and I am finding I still have the cravings, sometimes I give in sometimes I don't. I am starting to learn I don't need the food to be able to survive the day, the feeling, the event, I am starting to learn to feel and release.

There is also a small part of me (getting smaller by the day) the thinks I am not worth the good food. Someone who is such a failure and a nobody does not deserve good food. That evil little voice yet again. I logically know that is not the case and I am trying very hard to believe that emotionally and most days I am better at it. Simon and I have recently been seeing a counsellor and one of the things he said to be was try talking to yourself like you would talk to another person, that has helped. One of the amazing ladies I meet thru 12wbt program also had some amazing advice which has really helped
The negative voice is called Mr Chatty and this is a technique her daughter had been given "His name is Mr Chatty and he is always around. She has learned to acknowledge he is there and accept that he will always want to have his say but she doesn't always have to listen to him. She tells him exactly that. I know you are sitting on my shoulder talking to me but I have this under control thanks, I am capable of completing this task so butt out!. Realising you have that talk going on is a huge step to being able to live alongside it - it will probably never leave you, but you will learn over time to ignore it when you need to or hang on to it as well if the occasion arises." Thankyou so much Karen.

Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Why is a feeling so scary

My previous post bought up some other issues for me. The one that really jumped out at me was why am I so scared to feel.

I am not really sure, I have been pondering this and I am leaning towards a control thing. I have lived my life trying to be this person I thought everyone expected me to be, part of that was being the level one the one who everyone could turn to. So maybe for me the thought of a feeling just doesn't allow me to be that person.

I don't remember much about my childhood, I do remember feeling things very strongly and that it hurt and I would end up in a bit of a state because I just didn't know what to do with that feeling. Mum said when I was little I was often very upset and hard to console. I can also remember my grandmother having to sit and try and calm me when I had to go to bed as I would be almost hysterical.

I think I am scared of not being able to control it if I let it go, I feel like I am being overwhelmed and yet I am not sure how to cope with it. What if I don't have to cope with it, what if I just let that feeling be and let it wash over me and leave?

The thought of being open to a feeling means I am left vulnerable, I am open to attack and from being hurt again. I know from the times I have been caught of guard I feel deeply, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, that feeling takes over me and I feel that emotion so strongly that it takes my breath away. So why do i think that is wrong, why should I be able to be the person who does that. Yes there will be times I get hurt, but I have been hurt before and I have survived it, in many cases I have learnt from it and even moved forward.

Sitting here writing I feel such sadness inside of me. I am determined to replace that with happiness and a hunger to live my life to the fullest.

Who am I really

One thing that I have really noticed of late is that I am very emotionally disconnected from myself and how I actually feel. Logically I can tell you where my issues lie and the things that I think many of my issues stem from, you would think then I would be able to address that and change it. The problem is because I don't connect to it emotionally it doesn't actually mean anything to me.

I am starting to realise that I actually don't know who I am underneath everything. So much of my personality is a result of me doing the things I thought were expected and required, not the things I love, and now I have no idea what it is I actually love.

When I start to probe this subject with myself I begin to understand that for me the thought of being emotionally connect to myself is so daunting that I am not sure I am strong enough to do it. To force myself to actually feel things, I am not sure I know how to process a feeling because I spend so much time eating to stop them, how do I deal with them if I don't eat them away. Also I actually have to start to look at me and try and find my passion, the things that make my soul hum, the parts of the day that make it shine for you. I am so worried that I don't have that, because I don't know what those things are for me. What if I don't like who I am.

Unfortunately I have come to the realisation that to be successful in this weight loss journey I am going to have to start to pull back those layers, feel the feelings and put myself out there. It is also becoming apparent that unless I start to connect with myself and actually start to live my life by being in the moment, by noticing the little things, by feeling the hum of my soul when I am passionate I will have a very mundane boring and ultimately unfulfilled life.

This disconnecting from myself is part of my safety net, it stops me from having to hear that little voice that is always telling me I am not good, hopeless, can't do anything right. It is what stops me from feeling the pain that seems to be buried deep within because I don't feel like I have ever been good enough, because I am not perfect. I have this unrealistic thought process that goes along the lines of "If I was just better that wouldn't have happened", for example if I was a better daughter my mum and dad would have stayed together, they split up when I was 3. These are things I would never expect of anyone else, so why do I expect them of me? Why do I demand that I am 100% perfect, and nothing else is acceptable, without that level of perfection I am nothing.

So how do you begin to feel, to peel back the layers and actually let yourself be raw to the experience, to the moment? I am still trying to work that out, I have started by not eating those feelings, and by putting these thoughts and feelings on this blog, I am challenging those thought, I am trying to re-wire those thinking patterns, I am aware of what I do and I am trying to stop it.

Last night I was so frustrated with the kids, and feeling very stressed and I was starting to yell and snap and generally be nasty to them, normally I would go and eat and that would calm the situation. I didn't yesterday, we went for a walk it didn't help I came back stressed/angry still and the night didn't get any better. I woke up still in a bad mood. I hate that I get like that, that I am nasty to the kids.

So what do I do and what have I learnt. Well I have learnt, I still dont let those feelings bubble up to the surface and actually feel them and let them go, I try and hold them down and I feel like I am just bubbling away costantly about to burst. It is that constant bubbling that makes it worse and prolonges it. I need to find a way to let those feelings go. I am not sure what I do now, I know I have to try something different, maybe I need to actually identify what I am feeling and how that is manifesting, maybe I need to walk away from the kids for 5 mins and let it wash over me, then do something physical, box, run around the backyard. So now I fight to break the cycle to make myself feel.

Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Weight loss

Well weight loss, its something that dominates the lives of so many of us, and something that will probably be a prominent feature of this blog.

In may this year I started trying to lose weight AGAIN. I have been overweight for such a long time, I have not been thin since before puberty. I don't remember a time when I was happy with my skin and what it looked like. I also don't remember a time when I was ever successful at this whole weight loss crap.

I am not sure what was different this time, or why I decided to try AGAIN, but I did. I am currently still going. I have completed 1 round of Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation program. I didn't get what I wanted out of this program, I am still struggling with the concept that maybe I got what I needed.

I have and still do struggle every single day with my weight, and what is the right thing to do to lose weight. I am currently using the Symply too good too be true books and trying to see and use food for what it is, a fuel source for my body, nothing more nothing less. That is such a foreign concept for me, food is what I use to stop me from feeling anything and everything, from living in the minute.

I am trying to engage myself in a range of physical activities. I hate physical activities, it makes me so uncomfortable and self conscious. I have never been good at it, I always came last, no one ever wanted me on their team and I was very very un-coordinated. When I think about the fact that no-one ever wanted me on their teams it makes me so sad, I just felt like I was a nothing, I useless nobody. No one should feel like that when they are a little kid. So i push myself to go to the gym, and I do a boot camp outside, where other people can see me. I have to make my head acknowledge that this is not about them, it is about me and bugger anyone who thinks negative thoughts about me, they don't mean anything to me anyway so why do I care.

Currently I am working on not stepping on the scales, the scales really mess with my head. If the number is not what I want to hear/see I go off the rails. It can force me into such a downward spiral, it is just not worth it. During my recent travels I have been told from a few different sources that it can take a little while for the body to respond when you make some changes, sometimes up to 4 weeks. So then why would I step on the scales, knowing that if its not what I want I am going to eat something. My clothes are loser and my body shape is changing, my arse is not as flat and pitted lol, it is more round now and a little smoother.

There is so much of my life that is impacted and even dictated by my weight and how much I have let that part of me shape the rest of me and my life. I don't want that any more I want my life back, I am just not really sure who I am underneath all of this.

Who, What , Why and Where

All are such hard questions.

This blog is about me, my life and my struggles to find who I am and to be the best version of me possible.
My name is Danielle, I am 33. I have 4 children and 2 step-children. I have 2 ex-husbands and I have been overweight all my life. I am intelligent, university trained and very good at the profession I am trained in. I am caring and generous often to the detriment of myself. I hate conflict. My parents are divorced, my step-father died when he was 39, my mother has remarried. My father recently remarried. i am currently trying to start my own photography business, but it is not really going any where.

This blog came about because I have another blog that started as a way to stay on track with my weight loss, but it didn't really have any purpose and it didn't fulfil the need I had. Feel free to pop over and review my other blog there are some before and after photos and some posts about my travels so far. http://rollerderbyhereicome.blogspot.com/ This blog is also linked to some bad memories and I wanted to move away from them and not have them there as a constant reminder.

I want this blog to be a place where I can post about my trials with weight loss, but also my life in general. I have never been a diary person but maybe it will help me to untangle the mess that is my thoughts. It may end up all over the place, so I apologise in advance.