Wednesday, 23 May 2012

Emazon the start of the begining of the real me

On Sunday I went to an emazon session. I had no idea what to expect but I went in with an open head and heart. Since my last weigh in I have tried so hard to stay on track and I have managed about 75% but it has been bloody hard work. I think that I struggle with the hard work that is involved and the crap that goes on in my head along with all that hard work. Since Sunday it hasent been so hard.

So Emazon was amazing, I walked out with a feeling of calmness, strength and focus that I have never had before. I walked in feeling such self-doubt, self-loathing for the things I perceived as my inadequacies and I huge fear/hatred of food. When food is such a source of anger and frustration is makes it very hard on a daily basis to eat and not rebel. Once I had finished the session food was just that food, it doesn't have any power over me and I can eat what ever I want to, but it comes down to if that food is supporting me or not and if I choose to value that food for what it is, and that if fuel for my body. Food is not an event, not a crutch, not a boredom killer, it is just fuel nothing more nothing less. I haven't been 100% with food since Sunday but when I have eaten something that is not fuel I haven't let it consume my thinking and send me into a negative spiral, its just food, I made a choice, its done lets move on.

I found my inner inner strength, my determination and my desire to do this for me. I feel for the first time that I am coming in from the dark, that I am beginning to hear me, it is quite and soft but it is there.

Emazon said within the next 6-8 weeks we would all face a challenge, well mine decided to come on Monday night. Those of you who have been following me for a while might know that I have had massive car issues for over 12 months, so we got a new 2nd hand car. Well this car broke down, on the way to my daughters school band concert, so we walked, then walked back to the car and it still wouldn't start. Normally this would send me into a tail spin, the world hates me, I must be a bad person, nothing every goes right etc etc and of course I would eat and eat and eat. This would go on for days and particularly in a situation like we are in now when the car is still in the location it broke down and we don't have the money to fix it. This time I said to myself it is a car, nothing more nothing less, it broke down, big deal. I can use public transport and I can use this opportunity to fix any issues the car may have so this doesn't happen again. I was amazed at how I have managed to stay calm and I feel strong, I feel like I have controlled the situation, like I am living my life rather than being controlled by it.

I am practicing the technique Emazon taught us, to be able to draw ourselves back into the moment with ourselves, rather than the auto-pilot with the negative self-talk that tend to dominate our lives. It is amazing how different things feel when you are actually experiencing them. Mind you I have discovered my balance is not good enough to be able to do lunges with my eyes closed lol.

I have also started a new supplement regime which I am excited about. I started today, and already I am noticing the increased level of energy and the decrease in bloating. This is such an opportunity for me and something that come about as I was brave enough to just say yes. I added a facebook page recently that was about saying yes to things and experiencing all that life has to offer. Whats so exciting about saying yes is the doors that are opened to you once you start to trust yourself and your abilities and stop fearing the change and opportunity.

Thursday, 10 May 2012

Lets get Honest

Well today  i had my 12 week weigh in for my gym challenge. I knew that I had not done overly well in these last six weeks, but to find out that of the 6 kgs of fat I had lost at the 6 week mark, I have put it all on bar 200grams is devastating. I am so disappointed, frustrated and angry at myself. I want to cry, i just don't want to do it in front of anyone, so maybe in the shower.

So what now......... lets start with some honesty.

My food is wrong, I have been eating crap and there have been days where I have binged. I have not been accountable for what has gone in my mouth. So to start with Simon has all the money and my ATM card again, so I can't buy crap. I need to pack my daily food every night, I know organisation is one of my big keys. I also have to find ways to get around my sweet tooth. There are some options for snack options maybe with protein powder, I think I will start to look into those. Portion sizes I think are to big. I hate writing everything down so I have decided I will take a picture of everything I eat and drink, I will be posting this on facebook in a private folder so I don't annoy the crap out of everyone, if you feel like following my progress let me know and I will add you to the folder.

Next thing is enough with the excuses, saying I am lazy, I don't like cooking, I don't focus enough on my goals are all things I do to stop myself from having to actually do the hard work involved. There are ways to work around each and every one of these things I just have to do it.

My head is holding me back at the moment to a huge extend. I have booked in to attend an Emazon session which I am really looking forward to. I need to continue to live in the moment, the moment that is my life and the day to day things that come along with that.

I feel like crap, and I want to eat crap I want to stop focusing on the fact that I fucked things up again, that I had a chance to lose weight and I stopped it. I wont eat crap, I will feel like crap. Maybe tomorrow I will be able to focus on the things I did well.

So time to pull those big girl pants up start with some honest and mindfulness and try again, things will be different and I will succeed. Next weigh in is in 6 weeks time.