Saturday, 16 June 2012

The pain of needing acceptance

Last night it was very clearly bought home to me how much I still crave acceptance. I am always so concerned that what I am doing may cause someone else to feel uncomfortable or not like me and there are times that fear will actually stop me from doing something I want to do for me. As a result I also have difficult asking for or accepting help, and saying no to different things.

I really want to be able to say NO, to ask for help and to feel ok to just be me in my skin. This was touched on at the Emazon session and I am really looking forward to getting the mind CD so I can work thru this block. I know this is holding me back so much and I know this lack of acceptance of myself is what is at the root of my difficult with losing weight. I have previously talked about needed to start listing my qualities/talents/ the things that make me me, I have never actually done it but I think this is something I need to start doing. There has to be a way to move to acceptance of myself.

I had an experience that left me in tears in public last night, i felt so insignificant and also disrespected that I just wanted to run away and hide. I had gone to a pub/club thing with an amazing friend. When we arrived we got chatting to a lady there and went to walk into the location with her, she had previously been inside. So this lady walks, in my friend walks in, I say"hey do we need to go that side", Bec says "Nah lets go", so I follow her, no more than a rulers length apart. Security stop me and make me go to the back of the line on the other side, all I can think is I got sent to the back of the line as I was fat. They let Bec walk in, they saw we were together and yet they stopped me. Stuff like this shouldn't bother me, but it really really did.

I currently have a few balls that I am trying to juggle and life is rather stressful at the moment, so I have taken a step back from some of the facebook groups I am part of. I am feeling the need to protect and shelter myself, but also to take some time to re-energies my batteries. I am taking comments very personally and I am sure that is not how they are meant.

In saying all of that I need to look at why I am letting others views bother me so much, it really shouldn't matter but I am still striving to be good enough and accepted and so when something doesn't work out that I have planned, I feel like such a failure and that it is all my fault.

I am not sure how I want to finish this post, I know its not there is still more I want to say, so I will come back to this there will be a part 2.

Sunday, 10 June 2012

And the circle continues

Again I am stuck, I have put on some weight and I feel like I am stagnating in the same spot. I feel like my head is starting to come together and then it falls apart. So back on to the roller coaster of trying to get this weight loss journey to become consistent.

After really searching and thinking I am starting to see that it is so easy to lie to myself, as a result, often I am not eating well and I don't even acknowledge it. How it tends to work for me is that I eat my 6 meals and they are healthy meals that follow the guidelines I am using but it is the bits in between. The times I eat things like choc, cake, chips and lollies, these things I don't seem to count or remember so I will look back on my week and feel frustrated and disheartened because I have not lost weight or have put it on when I am saying I have had a clean week. To address this I need to plan my meals, I am going to start menu planning again and then packing these meals the night before. If it is packed and ready to go it is so much easier. I need to eat away from distraction, now I sit on the couch and either watch TV or Facebook, sometimes both. I need to turn off the TV, for noise I can use the radio.

I have previously talked about the fact that I have struggled with staying focused on my goals and that I felt I needed to break them down into weekly goals to keep me focused. So I have developed a daily tracking sheet, I am going to print this up A3 size and laminate it and put magnets on the back. Here is my first one, I am sure this will change over time. This will enable me to have a concrete plan for each day and a constant reminder of what I am doing and Why.

It really is hard to struggle everyday and feel like you are not going anywhere. Sometimes you really have to stop and look at where you came from to notice the differences. In saying that you really need to stop focusing on the future or the past and live in the now. What can I do now, what do I want to do now, what will make me smile, what will give my family and myself some wonderful memories. To an extent I still sit around and wait for life to catch me, although I am getting better on this front.

Recently I have let outside things get in the way, I have let food and exercise fall to the side, I have not given them the priority in my life that they should have. Life does get in the way at times, but I think we have to choose do we let life derail us or do we change things around and do what we can. I let life derail me, life will always be there and things will always come up, so if every time something pops up I get derailed I am always going to be going back and fort between those few kilos.

Weight loss needs to be my priority, so much of my life and also my families life has been put on hold or changed because of my weight loss journey and yet I don't make it a priority, I say that I am but really I am just blowing steam, its a load of crap. So pull me up, challenge me next time you talk to me. The next 12 months are about this weight loss journey and the direction my life is starting to take.