Last night it was very clearly bought home to me how much I still crave acceptance. I am always so concerned that what I am doing may cause someone else to feel uncomfortable or not like me and there are times that fear will actually stop me from doing something I want to do for me. As a result I also have difficult asking for or accepting help, and saying no to different things.
I really want to be able to say NO, to ask for help and to feel ok to just be me in my skin. This was touched on at the Emazon session and I am really looking forward to getting the mind CD so I can work thru this block. I know this is holding me back so much and I know this lack of acceptance of myself is what is at the root of my difficult with losing weight. I have previously talked about needed to start listing my qualities/talents/ the things that make me me, I have never actually done it but I think this is something I need to start doing. There has to be a way to move to acceptance of myself.
I had an experience that left me in tears in public last night, i felt so insignificant and also disrespected that I just wanted to run away and hide. I had gone to a pub/club thing with an amazing friend. When we arrived we got chatting to a lady there and went to walk into the location with her, she had previously been inside. So this lady walks, in my friend walks in, I say"hey do we need to go that side", Bec says "Nah lets go", so I follow her, no more than a rulers length apart. Security stop me and make me go to the back of the line on the other side, all I can think is I got sent to the back of the line as I was fat. They let Bec walk in, they saw we were together and yet they stopped me. Stuff like this shouldn't bother me, but it really really did.
I currently have a few balls that I am trying to juggle and life is rather stressful at the moment, so I have taken a step back from some of the facebook groups I am part of. I am feeling the need to protect and shelter myself, but also to take some time to re-energies my batteries. I am taking comments very personally and I am sure that is not how they are meant.
In saying all of that I need to look at why I am letting others views bother me so much, it really shouldn't matter but I am still striving to be good enough and accepted and so when something doesn't work out that I have planned, I feel like such a failure and that it is all my fault.
I am not sure how I want to finish this post, I know its not there is still more I want to say, so I will come back to this there will be a part 2.