Tuesday, 30 October 2012

Reality and feeling the funk

I feel like I need to apologies, I have been playing a huge game of back and forth, of saying I am going to do this, of saying I am committed and then running away and doing the exact opposite. At the time I didn't even realize this was what I was doing. I demanded a certain level from myself and I haven't been able to give that and so I have hidden from everyone including myself.
Perfection can never be achieved when you are expecting a godlike performance.

As part of my life coach training I have been doing NLP, and as part of that we explored limited beliefs. What this identified for me was a very in-ground feeling of worthlessness, not being good enough and a failure. When I started to go back and look over things I began to see that because I had this belief about myself I actually did things to make sure I was a failure, and there was no need for me to try at anything as I was a failure, so I would never achieve anyway. This thought process had dictated so much of my life and what I had done.

This training has given me a chance to review so much about myself and to address some things that were really holding me back. I have taken steps to address these issues and on the whole I actually feel rather ok emotionally.

So if I have dealt with that stuff what is going on now........

To be honest fucked if I know.

I am struggling with Jhett not sleeping and that has made my exercise routine take a flying leap. I have also found that lately my body is really suffering, and I have lots of aches and pains.

What I am trying to do is not run away and hide, to be open honest and put it out there, and to be honest I am not feeling motivated at all.

I am continuing to work on my head stuff, I have my goal up and visible, I have my daily mantra and I am working on being mindful. I have set myself a challenge to start doing some hula hooping, lol. I have wanted to for awhile, but always put it off. Also it is meant to be very good for helping to loosen up back muscles, so that can only be a good thing.

I am working at getting back involved, sharing this journey is what is important to me, I find it to be so motivation, inspiring and also fulfilling, so this is the start of me getting back under way.

Currently I have a food plan to follow, I haven't been following it. There is a part of me that feels I need to do my own stuff, and a part of me that doesn't trust myself to do my own stuff. Space is something that is lacking in my brain at times, and I have made the decision to continue to follow this program thru to the end, so I dont have to think and so I can say I finished something.

I have gained back about 14kgs and I struggle with that, I feel very defined by my weight and also my lack of success. I have allowed it to have power over me as I have tried to hide from it and ignore the fact that this is my reality. I have used excuses and backed out of doing things I would normally do. Its time to put my foot down this is my reality and my funk is well and truly happening, but it will not stop me. I will beat it.

I struggle with this journey as I feel like there is no path that works for me and that the stairs are miles apart and I can't take a step that is that big. I struggle to trust that it is ok to make a mistake, that it is ok to not know and that it is ok to just be in the right here and right now.

There is not a lot of answers here, I am muddled, and somewhat frustrated and also feeling a little pushed aside by people I thought actually had my back. Now these are my issues, my interpretation of the events, so I will allow the wallowing tonight but it will be gone in the morning.

There will be answers and direction in the morning.


  1. Self-sabotage... the last weapon! You can do this Dani - just remember that it's one day at a time, and if it takes you 10 years to get to goal, well... at least you got there! I've been feeling shit about my loss recently as I've put on about 8kg. Then I went back and signed up for round 4 - logged in to log my weight and I'm right back where I started there. So while I've lost and gained 8kg this year, I haven't put on any more than where I started. There's gotta be a bonus in that somewhere...

  2. Thanks for your honesty Danielle. I can totally relate to where you're coming from. I have spent months yo-yoing, at times feeling deprived, and at other times feeling happy and motivated! My weight has moved down a few kilos, up a few, up a bit more, down again - and I find myself 7 or so months later pretty much back at the beginning. It's frustrating, infuriating, depressing, and agonising! I have hugely life-changing events and goals that I'm trying to plan for - with so much hinging on my personal health. I'm devastated that I still haven't found or flicked my own switch to really make the lifestyle changes I need to make in order to get the results i'm looking for. I didn't expect the journey to be easy, but I didn't expect to still be camped out at the bottom of the first hill !!!!! Lol. *hugs* B. x