Friday, 27 April 2012

Is the struggle worth the journey.

After my last post, an amazing friend who I have know for a long time called me, there was a level of concern that things were seeming quite negative. I feel like while much of this journey and the bits that end up here on my blog often highlight the negative, I am ok with that I feel like it is the struggle I need to go thru to make the end point the best possible version of me. I don't ever want to go back to being overweight, actually I don't want to go backwards at any point, but for me that means I need to address some of the reason why I am over weight. While this journey is difficult and at times emotionally challenging I am proud of the fact that I am able to move forward and continue on this path of physical, emotional and spiritual self-discovery.

I am still struggling a little, more because I am letting myself. It is so much easier to sit here and do nothing rather than force myself to get out there and do things. I have spent many days trying to work out what was holding me back, because there must be something holding me back, right? I mean seriously I wouldn't be eating crap if there wasn't something going on in my head. I had been going back and forward and struggling and nothing was coming up that was new. Tuesday I was on the way to the dentist, big shout out to another amazing lady I have met on this journey, thank you so much, and it hit me there is nothing holding me back, there is no deep seeded emotional issue,(that is new lol) I just need to choose to eat healthy and live this life. I need to be prepared to say no to myself and to be strong.

Today I was reading an article about Compulsive overeating and it rang true with me, I am a compulsive over eater, there are days where I wake up thinking about food and ways I can get the food I want, I want it for the texture, the taste, the convenience and just because. I think about food all day often. This ties in to being lazy and not having a full life, it gives me time to think about food. I think it was in this article, that it said something along the lines of you will never fill the hole in your soul with food. That is what I have been trying to do. Here is the link to the article A few years ago I went to a Overeaters Anonymous meeting, the food equivalent of AA. This is something I may look into more, but I thought I would list the 12 steps on here.

  1. We admitted we were powerless over food - that our lives had become unmanageable.
  2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
  3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
  4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
  5. Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
  6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
  7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
  8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
  9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
  10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
  11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
  12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
Permission to use the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous for adaptation granted by AA World Services, Inc.
The other thing I have realised today is that I am some what unfocused on this weight loss journey. I have some goals but I feel like they are not concrete for me, so over the weekend I want to review these goals and plan out how I am going to reach them. Add information to the calender, my phone and my diary. Hopefully having these things planned out and in front of me will help me to focus on a regular basis and support me in my quest to not be controlled by food.

This last week I have been sick, ever since I moved to Melbourne, 12 odd years ago I get a cold/cough thing, which basically is just this persistent cough where I keep myself up and can make myself vomit. I hate it, drives me batty and will last from a day or 2 up to the longest I have had it for is 10 odd weeks, when it is really bad I loose my voice and can't breath properly. I haven't trained this week because I didn't want to make it worse, it seems to be something I get when I am run down. Although I didn't really feel like I was run down, maybe it was all the crap food. Its not getting any better and now I am stuck, so I think I am going to leave it for the weekend and try and rest as much as I can and then back into things on Monday.

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