For anyone who has been reading my blog you will notice from my last few posts that I have been struggling a little. This feeling has continued and my realisation over the last few days has been that mostly I am just a little lost.
I have found that my way of coping with all the perceived expectations I placed on myself, my shame at how over weight I was and my complete loathing for myself was to hid, even from myself. I have mentioned before that I really don't have an idea about what makes me passionate, I don't know what it is that makes me excited.
Lately I have been feeling an extreme lack of motivation and enthusiasm. I spend my days sitting on the couch watching TV and doing nothing, I don't even keep up with cleaning most of the time as I just don't feel like doing anything. I understand that some of that will be residual from my bad eating but I feel it is more than that. I feel like my life has no direction, nothing that brings a smile to my face (not including my family in this conversation) and defiantly nothing that makes me feel alive and refreshed. exercise doesn't do that for me yet, it is still a chore, maybe one day. My head is just this hazy of nothingness and it just seems like it is to much to get up and do anything cos I am not actually living in my life.
The majority of people are able to tell you what interests them or what their passions are, for me when I start to think about that there is just this nothingness, just a hazy its like I am just not connected to that part of me. I guess part of that comes from the fact that I have never thought I was worthy of anything so didn't value myself enough to ever really develop hobbies or interests.
At the moment I am feeling like my life is a lot of nothing and it is not helping to motivate me or encourage me to do anything. I know that sitting on the couch all day doesn't help and just makes it worse. So I have to start sitting on the couch less, try lots of new different things so I can try and find that thing/s that makes me excited. My family were/are Christian but haven't been church going for quite a few years now, I have been feeling the pull to move back towards going to church again so this is something I will explore as well.
Life is very much what you make it and right now I feel like I am being passed by and not actually living. I want to live my life with passion, commitment and to the fullest and right now that is not happening.