What happens when you decide not to actually feel

This post has been a long time in the making and I have been avoiding it as I didn't want to write these things down, I didn't want to face that this was what was actually going on, cos once I face it I have to address it and move on.

About 3 weeks ago as part of the challenge at the gym we did a fun run, you could do either 6 or 10km. Now this was on a Saturday morning along a main road along the beach, so lots and lots of traffic. In the week preceding this run I started to eat, just little bits here and there, nothing like it use to be. I didn't really think about it at the time, but when I look back on it, I was so scared all week. This "fun" run really got under my skin because of a few factors. It would be the first thing I had to do on my own, normally when I do something new there is one of the other girls from the group with me or Simon. I knew that one of the other amazing girls from the gym Lauren would be there, but Lauren is many KGs ahead of me on this road, she is one of my inspirations and I knew she would be running. I had never tried to do 6km, the week before I had only just managed to do 1km without stopping. Then there was the whole running on a main road thing, I still struggle with my head thinking what must other people think of me.

So basically I was scared and nervous, and rather than acknowledging that and moving thru it I ignored it, I didn't even decide for sure I would do the event until the night before when some of the girls from the group told me I should lol. If I had stopped and thought about this event and planned what I was going to do and how I was going to address it maybe I wouldn't have been eating to stop that horrible feeling welling up inside of me.

Now the eating didn't stop after this event finished. The next thing coming up was week 6 week weigh-in and measure. I didn't notice any of this stuff going on at the time, it is only as I look back that I see this stuff. What was worrying me in the lead up to this is that my good enough may not have been enough. I really had been good until we hit the fun run, and even then I was still rather constrained, only problem was it kept getting worse as I wasn't acknowledging my reasons. I really didn't know what I would do if this wasn't working, I have been trying so hard and working my butt of, and have given up so much time with Simon to do this plan and if it wasn't working what then. The idea that my best wasn't good enough was so frightening to me and so unsettling, the thought of failing really rocks me as I have so much invested and so many reasons for wanting this. Now if I had stopped I would have noticed the changes in my body and I would have been able to see that yes this is working, but again I didn't want to feel that horrible feeling.

Now I did get good results on my 6 week weigh-in, actually I was really happy, but still the eating didn't stop. Why didn't it stop? Well when I look back on it, it was because I didn't address anything, also because I didn't acknowledge what I had managed to do, I didn't rejoice in my achievements, I never challenged that negative thinking. Then this weekend just gone I completed the run for the kids 14.38km "fun" run. This ended up being a very negative event for me. Stupid isn't it, I actually started and finished 14.38km's and I couldn't be happy and proud of that.

I went into the event with no real goal, at least non that I was willing to verbalise. I wanted to do it in around 2 1/2 hours, I wanted to run as much as possible. I was going to try and keep up with an amazing friend Megan. I do alot of training with Megan and I love her sense of humour and her willingness to get in and give it ago, she amazes me with what she can do. So we start and I run with Megan, I even manage to run about 2 kms, which is so huge give that 3 weeks ago I only just managed to run 1km. Then I had to walk, my body really started to hurt and the next 12 km were a fight with my head. I need to say a huge thank you to another amazing lady Simone. Simone pushed herself so hard during the run, and really kicked some goals, but she still managed to stop and get me some jelly beans when I was having a massive blood sugar low, without her I don't think I would have finished. Now I did finish and I did it in 2 hours and 42 mins, and then I cried, not cos I was happy but because I didn't think it was good enough. Really I wish I could slap myself lol. Again I couldn't acknowledge the amazing achievement because I was so stuck in the negative.

Now this eating has continued and it has gotten worse, this week has been crap. I am worried now that I have done damage to my achievements so far and that I will have put on the weight I have lost. I am worried that I wont be able to pull it back it. I am still slightly stuck in that negative.

This blog post for me is about getting it out and stopping the negative. I don't have to be strong, I don't have to be the best, I am allowed to be scared I just need to do it anyway.

I don't really know how I get back to where I need to be, one day at a time I guess. I am thinking I need to pack my food the night before hand and have it ready. I also think I need to go back to not having any money, that way I can't go to the shop. Next is the hard part, how do I actually address my feelings. While all of this was going on I didn't notice it, it wasn't until after the event that I was able to look back and see that is how and why I was feeling and doing. So it seems to come back to being mindful and actually living in the moment. I did a Tai Chi class this week which I found really helped to clear my head and to allow me to find some clarity and space within my head. I am going to have to try some meditation/ yoga/ Tai Chi much more regularly I would like to build up to every day as I feel this would give me some space to actually feel what I need to and the clarity my mind seeks.

I am still struggling cos I am eating but I am acknowledging and I am trying to address and feel.

I have added some comparison pics from my 1st 6  weeks.