Thursday, 19 January 2012

Food is fuel but why does it mean something different to me

So I want to talk about food. I mentioned earlier that food is fuel for the body, and yet why do I tend to only put in the crap.

I have a sweet tooth that is off the chart, and I have some texture cravings as well. I love chocolate so very very much. I was eating it everyday and more than once a day. I feel like I have to have it to survive and the thoughts of what ever I am craving consume me to the point where I can't think of anything else, my mood changes and I basically become a bitch.

OK so food obviously serves a purpose for me, I hide behind it, and use to to suppress my feelings but I also use it to get satisfaction. I talked about my emotional disconnection and what is so scary about a feeling in previous posts and highlighted that I use food to not feel, so I don't actually get satisfaction from anything and food gives that to me. Rather than enjoying life and its moments I enjoy food and that rush I get from the sugars.

So why is this how I use food, I have been thinking about that today, (This blog things is making me take some long hard looks at myself and it is very confronting) it comes back to the times when I think I was the happiest; during family gatherings, and the central part of these family gatherings was always food. I loved these times when we would all sit around the table and talk and laugh. I also remember when I was younger I would find money and go to the milk bar across the road and get lollies, I would do this when I was home from school sick and mum wasn't around. even back then I was hiding my food habits. I am really not sure why I felt the need to do this, we did have lollies and things when we were younger. I can remember so many different times when I would do things just looking for the sweet fix. I have been doing some reading of late and I am starting to wonder if some of my sweet tooth issues come from some hormone/chemical type inbalances in my body and my emotional eating is just making those things worse. This doesn't diminish the fact that the things I choose to eat are just that the things I choose to eat.

I continue to try to remember food is just a fuel for my body, some days I win some days I don't. I am beginning to notice the days I don't seem to be when I haven't drunk enough water. I am sure over time it will get easier, it is currently still a struggle ever day. I haven't had any chocolate for about 10 days now, I have had some sweet things and I am finding I still have the cravings, sometimes I give in sometimes I don't. I am starting to learn I don't need the food to be able to survive the day, the feeling, the event, I am starting to learn to feel and release.

There is also a small part of me (getting smaller by the day) the thinks I am not worth the good food. Someone who is such a failure and a nobody does not deserve good food. That evil little voice yet again. I logically know that is not the case and I am trying very hard to believe that emotionally and most days I am better at it. Simon and I have recently been seeing a counsellor and one of the things he said to be was try talking to yourself like you would talk to another person, that has helped. One of the amazing ladies I meet thru 12wbt program also had some amazing advice which has really helped
The negative voice is called Mr Chatty and this is a technique her daughter had been given "His name is Mr Chatty and he is always around. She has learned to acknowledge he is there and accept that he will always want to have his say but she doesn't always have to listen to him. She tells him exactly that. I know you are sitting on my shoulder talking to me but I have this under control thanks, I am capable of completing this task so butt out!. Realising you have that talk going on is a huge step to being able to live alongside it - it will probably never leave you, but you will learn over time to ignore it when you need to or hang on to it as well if the occasion arises." Thankyou so much Karen.

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