Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Why is a feeling so scary

My previous post bought up some other issues for me. The one that really jumped out at me was why am I so scared to feel.

I am not really sure, I have been pondering this and I am leaning towards a control thing. I have lived my life trying to be this person I thought everyone expected me to be, part of that was being the level one the one who everyone could turn to. So maybe for me the thought of a feeling just doesn't allow me to be that person.

I don't remember much about my childhood, I do remember feeling things very strongly and that it hurt and I would end up in a bit of a state because I just didn't know what to do with that feeling. Mum said when I was little I was often very upset and hard to console. I can also remember my grandmother having to sit and try and calm me when I had to go to bed as I would be almost hysterical.

I think I am scared of not being able to control it if I let it go, I feel like I am being overwhelmed and yet I am not sure how to cope with it. What if I don't have to cope with it, what if I just let that feeling be and let it wash over me and leave?

The thought of being open to a feeling means I am left vulnerable, I am open to attack and from being hurt again. I know from the times I have been caught of guard I feel deeply, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, that feeling takes over me and I feel that emotion so strongly that it takes my breath away. So why do i think that is wrong, why should I be able to be the person who does that. Yes there will be times I get hurt, but I have been hurt before and I have survived it, in many cases I have learnt from it and even moved forward.

Sitting here writing I feel such sadness inside of me. I am determined to replace that with happiness and a hunger to live my life to the fullest.


  1. Gosh, these habits are so hard to break! A friend at work and I have been 'venting' way too much lately and we now have a saying.. Buddha on the mountain... It means that we just need to let go and let peace come in. Sometimes we scream 'BUDDHA ON THE MOUNTAIN' at each other because inner peace doesn't seem that easy - but even that breaks the tension and is a little relaxing.

    1. Thanks so much for that. I love the saying, I might just have to borrow that. I hope you manage to find your inner peace xox