My previous post bought up some other issues for me. The one that really jumped out at me was why am I so scared to feel.
I am not really sure, I have been pondering this and I am leaning towards a control thing. I have lived my life trying to be this person I thought everyone expected me to be, part of that was being the level one the one who everyone could turn to. So maybe for me the thought of a feeling just doesn't allow me to be that person.
I don't remember much about my childhood, I do remember feeling things very strongly and that it hurt and I would end up in a bit of a state because I just didn't know what to do with that feeling. Mum said when I was little I was often very upset and hard to console. I can also remember my grandmother having to sit and try and calm me when I had to go to bed as I would be almost hysterical.
I think I am scared of not being able to control it if I let it go, I feel like I am being overwhelmed and yet I am not sure how to cope with it. What if I don't have to cope with it, what if I just let that feeling be and let it wash over me and leave?
The thought of being open to a feeling means I am left vulnerable, I am open to attack and from being hurt again. I know from the times I have been caught of guard I feel deeply, from the tips of my toes to the top of my head, that feeling takes over me and I feel that emotion so strongly that it takes my breath away. So why do i think that is wrong, why should I be able to be the person who does that. Yes there will be times I get hurt, but I have been hurt before and I have survived it, in many cases I have learnt from it and even moved forward.
Sitting here writing I feel such sadness inside of me. I am determined to replace that with happiness and a hunger to live my life to the fullest.