Tuesday, 17 January 2012

Weight loss

Well weight loss, its something that dominates the lives of so many of us, and something that will probably be a prominent feature of this blog.

In may this year I started trying to lose weight AGAIN. I have been overweight for such a long time, I have not been thin since before puberty. I don't remember a time when I was happy with my skin and what it looked like. I also don't remember a time when I was ever successful at this whole weight loss crap.

I am not sure what was different this time, or why I decided to try AGAIN, but I did. I am currently still going. I have completed 1 round of Michelle Bridges 12 week body transformation program. I didn't get what I wanted out of this program, I am still struggling with the concept that maybe I got what I needed.

I have and still do struggle every single day with my weight, and what is the right thing to do to lose weight. I am currently using the Symply too good too be true books and trying to see and use food for what it is, a fuel source for my body, nothing more nothing less. That is such a foreign concept for me, food is what I use to stop me from feeling anything and everything, from living in the minute.

I am trying to engage myself in a range of physical activities. I hate physical activities, it makes me so uncomfortable and self conscious. I have never been good at it, I always came last, no one ever wanted me on their team and I was very very un-coordinated. When I think about the fact that no-one ever wanted me on their teams it makes me so sad, I just felt like I was a nothing, I useless nobody. No one should feel like that when they are a little kid. So i push myself to go to the gym, and I do a boot camp outside, where other people can see me. I have to make my head acknowledge that this is not about them, it is about me and bugger anyone who thinks negative thoughts about me, they don't mean anything to me anyway so why do I care.

Currently I am working on not stepping on the scales, the scales really mess with my head. If the number is not what I want to hear/see I go off the rails. It can force me into such a downward spiral, it is just not worth it. During my recent travels I have been told from a few different sources that it can take a little while for the body to respond when you make some changes, sometimes up to 4 weeks. So then why would I step on the scales, knowing that if its not what I want I am going to eat something. My clothes are loser and my body shape is changing, my arse is not as flat and pitted lol, it is more round now and a little smoother.

There is so much of my life that is impacted and even dictated by my weight and how much I have let that part of me shape the rest of me and my life. I don't want that any more I want my life back, I am just not really sure who I am underneath all of this.

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