Wednesday, 18 January 2012

Who am I really

One thing that I have really noticed of late is that I am very emotionally disconnected from myself and how I actually feel. Logically I can tell you where my issues lie and the things that I think many of my issues stem from, you would think then I would be able to address that and change it. The problem is because I don't connect to it emotionally it doesn't actually mean anything to me.

I am starting to realise that I actually don't know who I am underneath everything. So much of my personality is a result of me doing the things I thought were expected and required, not the things I love, and now I have no idea what it is I actually love.

When I start to probe this subject with myself I begin to understand that for me the thought of being emotionally connect to myself is so daunting that I am not sure I am strong enough to do it. To force myself to actually feel things, I am not sure I know how to process a feeling because I spend so much time eating to stop them, how do I deal with them if I don't eat them away. Also I actually have to start to look at me and try and find my passion, the things that make my soul hum, the parts of the day that make it shine for you. I am so worried that I don't have that, because I don't know what those things are for me. What if I don't like who I am.

Unfortunately I have come to the realisation that to be successful in this weight loss journey I am going to have to start to pull back those layers, feel the feelings and put myself out there. It is also becoming apparent that unless I start to connect with myself and actually start to live my life by being in the moment, by noticing the little things, by feeling the hum of my soul when I am passionate I will have a very mundane boring and ultimately unfulfilled life.

This disconnecting from myself is part of my safety net, it stops me from having to hear that little voice that is always telling me I am not good, hopeless, can't do anything right. It is what stops me from feeling the pain that seems to be buried deep within because I don't feel like I have ever been good enough, because I am not perfect. I have this unrealistic thought process that goes along the lines of "If I was just better that wouldn't have happened", for example if I was a better daughter my mum and dad would have stayed together, they split up when I was 3. These are things I would never expect of anyone else, so why do I expect them of me? Why do I demand that I am 100% perfect, and nothing else is acceptable, without that level of perfection I am nothing.

So how do you begin to feel, to peel back the layers and actually let yourself be raw to the experience, to the moment? I am still trying to work that out, I have started by not eating those feelings, and by putting these thoughts and feelings on this blog, I am challenging those thought, I am trying to re-wire those thinking patterns, I am aware of what I do and I am trying to stop it.

Last night I was so frustrated with the kids, and feeling very stressed and I was starting to yell and snap and generally be nasty to them, normally I would go and eat and that would calm the situation. I didn't yesterday, we went for a walk it didn't help I came back stressed/angry still and the night didn't get any better. I woke up still in a bad mood. I hate that I get like that, that I am nasty to the kids.

So what do I do and what have I learnt. Well I have learnt, I still dont let those feelings bubble up to the surface and actually feel them and let them go, I try and hold them down and I feel like I am just bubbling away costantly about to burst. It is that constant bubbling that makes it worse and prolonges it. I need to find a way to let those feelings go. I am not sure what I do now, I know I have to try something different, maybe I need to actually identify what I am feeling and how that is manifesting, maybe I need to walk away from the kids for 5 mins and let it wash over me, then do something physical, box, run around the backyard. So now I fight to break the cycle to make myself feel.

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